하루가 가는 소릴 들어 너 없는 세상 속에 달이 저물고 해가 뜨는 서러움 한날도 한시도 못살 것 같더니 그저 이렇게 그리워 하며 살아 어디서부터~ 잊어갈까 오늘도 기억 속에 니가 찾아와 하루 종일 떠들어 니 말투 니 표정 너무 분명해서 마치 지금도 내 곁에 네가 사는 것만 같아~~ 사랑인걸 사랑인걸 지워봐도 사랑인걸 아무리 비워내도 내 안에는 너만 살아 너 하나만 너 하나만 기억하고 원하는걸 보고픈 너의 사진을 꺼내어보다 잠들어~어~
어디서부터 잊어 갈까 오늘도 기억 속에 니가 찾아와 하루 종일 떠들어 니말투 니 표정 너무 분명해서 마치 지금도 내 곁에 네가 사는 것만 같아~~ 사랑인걸 사랑인걸 지워봐도 사랑인걸 아무리 비워내도 내 안에는 너만 살아 너 하나만 너하나만 기억하고 원하는걸 보고픈 너의 사진을 꺼내어보다 잠들어.
잠결에 흐르던 눈물이 곧 말라가듯 조금씩 흐려지겠지 우워어어~ 손 내밀면 닿을 듯 아직은 눈에 선한 네 얼굴 사랑해 사랑해 잊으면 안되~~ 예이에
너 만 보고 너만 알고 너만 위해 살았던 나 마음 둘 곳을 몰라 하루가 일년 같아
아무것도 아무 일도 아무 말도 못하는 나 그래도 사랑을 믿어 그래도 사랑을 믿어
This past weekend I watched A Walk to Remember. I hadn't watched this movie in ages and was in a mushy-corny-chick flicky mood so I sat down to watch. About an hour and 15 minutes into it, I was in tears. Not the depressed kind of tears but the nostalgic and wistful kind of tears. Not the sadness that accompanies grief but the quiet sadness that comes from longing.
It's so funny how certain movies or certain songs can bring you back to a deeply imbedded emotional state. I find it amazing how something that is so unrelated to your life can act as a catalyst for flooding memories and feelings. Although the theme of A Walk to Remember somewhat coincides with recent transpired events, I never knew such a mindless, rather insipid movie could move me to tears, and moreover, move me to memories. Art has such a way of striking familar chords within a person, however unrelated and irrelevant it may be to your own life or circumstance.
The smell of Bath and Body Work's Moonlight Path lotion reminds me of my 10-day vacation in Milan. Lifehouse's "Somewhere in Between" reminds me of a lazy summer with Tommy. Ice cream trucks remind me of my childhood.
Hands down, this has been the most difficult school year for me.
When I look back at the past two semesters, I'm in such awe at how the human mind can learn to adapt to adversity. How we can learn to simply function when our lives seem so shattered.
I learned how precious life is. And how completely heartbreaking and painful it is as well.
I remember in September, when I went through my first real breakup, I thought my life was going to end. I lost 10% of my body weight and became pretty nonfunctional for a long time. I recall lying in bed, bawling my eyes out, refusing to get up, eat, shower, or do anything. After events that have recently transpired, I feel so silly, shameful, and embarassed at how upset I was in light of recent events.
I buried my first love. Tommy's death was the most shocking and life-altering event that has happened to me. I still remember so vividly, receiving the phone call at 6:00 AM. I remember how my world came crashing down in moments. I remember going through the motions everyday and I still wonder how I went to his wake, his funeral. How I buried someone who was everything to me. The tears I cried, the utter grief and loss I felt.
I think I've changed so much this year. I miss the naivete and idealism that accompanied freshmen year. Through the tragedy and hitting rock bottom repeatedly, I think I've become exponentially more cynical and jaded. I wish I could view life for the beauty it once held and not the pervasive pain it has caused me.
I won't ever be completely OK. There's such a huge disparity between a breakup and the loss of a life. I once thought my life was absolutely wretched when Tommy and I broke up. But how can I compare the permanence and finality of his death to anything else I've experienced? Death is not something you "get over". There's no reassurance that one day, he'll slip from my mind. It's something I will eventually learn to live with it. I'm struggling to make peace with it, to stop the shock from hitting me over and over. To grasp the concept of death is so difficult. How do people learn to accept tragedy?
Through tears and laughter? Through pictures and memories?
I've become so good at pretending that I'm OK.
I miss being happy.
------
Like the last time that I committed suicide,
Social suicide.
Yeah so I'm already dead, on the inside,
But I can still pretend.
With my memories and photographs,
I've learned to love the lie.
Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm riding hard on the last lines of every lie.
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode,
I'm about to explode.
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect and I have learned to accept:
All my problems and short comings,
Cause I am so visceral yet deeply inept.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself.
Through other peoples' descriptions of life.
I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless.
I can't believe this much time has elapsed since you've left. Everyday I wake up and go through my routine, but I'm not okay. I miss you so much baby. It's so hard going through the motions knowing you're gone. I try to tell myself that you're living life after death, in perpetual happiness, with Him. But many times, I break down. I feel hopeless because I'm in such disbelief that someone I loved so much, someone I would have done anything for, does not walk on this earth with me.
I wish that I could have told you how much I loved you and missed you. How no one even came close to making me feel the way you made me feel. How happy and alive I felt when I was with you. How grateful and lucky I was to have you in my life, to have someone like you love me the way you did. I wish I could have told you...
I go out with my friends, I do everything like I usually do. But I'm not okay. I think about you constantly and break down because it hurts so much. It hurts so much because I can't accept what has happened. I can't grasp the fact that you're gone, that you've left this world.
Why did you leave in such a tragic way? You're living in peace, in comfort and at ease. But what about the rest of us? What about your parents, your sister, your friends, me? We're left with this sickening sadness, this grief, this mourning.
I can't express in words how much I miss you and love you. You have been everything to me for the past two years. I wish so much, so much that I could see you again. Even for an hour, for a minute.
I love you so much baby. I know you're watching over me. Help me, okay? You've helped me through everything, please continue in heaven.
It's been a little over three weeks since you left. In a few more days, it'll be one month. I can't believe that much time has elapsed from that fateful night you were taken away from us. Everyday I go through our pictures, emails, presents, and mementos--it's a routine. It leaves me sometimes in tears, in laughter, but always, in disbelief.
There really is no going back to normal. Everyday, I put on a smile, laugh, make jokes, and go out with friends. I do this to maintain a front of being okay. I'm trying baby, I'm trying so hard to be strong for you. Even though I break down sometimes; I know you want me to be happy. Do you know how incredibly hard it is? To go out with friends, go to bars, celebrate birthdays, even hang out with my girlfriends? You're always in my thoughts, and your presence never leaves me. Some days, I don't get out of bed because life seems unbearable. Other days, I'm able to get up and start my day. Baby, please help me be strong. Please, help me get through this.
Sometimes I'm so stricken with grief, I get this sickening feeling in my stomach. The intensity overwhelms me and I'm left helpless--just needing you again. I smile to myself all the time when I encounter something that you would enjoy. There are so many reminders of you and of you and me in this world. There is hope in misery and sadness. Even though my world seems so cold, so bitter; I have hope. I have hope that I will be okay and that I will come to accept what has happened to you. I have hope your family will find comfort in each other. I have hope that your soul rests at ease and your legacy will never die.
It may be time to let you go baby. I will never ever forget our memories of love, passion, and intimacy. I will never forget your droopy eyes and big ears. I will never forget how we loved each other. How we fell in that crazy-can't-live-without-you-make-your-knees-weak-butterflies-irresistable love. But I know that I can't keep living my life for you anymore. You will live forever--in perpetual life with Him. I still have my life to live here on Earth. I know you want me to find happiness and have hope. I will live on, for our memories, for our love, but most importantly, for myself.
I miss you so much. I slip in and out of depression. Life has become a hazy fog that has enveloped me. You never 'get over' death. You just learn to live with it as it becomes incorporated into your life. Every day is a step closer to accepting the fact that you have left us. As time moves forward, I hope my healing process is too. Baby, help me okay? You were always the strong one and I know you're going to be helping me and watching over me.
I love you so much. It hurts that I have to write these words because you're gone. Gone in the most final way possible.
You were my everything. You are my first love. You will remain in my heart forever.
