seasons of love

     It's twenty minutes to two, and what am i doing? sitting on my bed, watching the musical movie R.E.N.T and updating xanga.

Today hasnt been all that exciting, but it has been very well relaxing, dont get me wrong. But when I do this consistently everyday, it gets somewhat irritating. Something has to change. Maybe I'll get a call for a job, or even an interview. Ill cross my fingers when i get the call. I cant make it happen, so what will i do until then?

You all know i moved to hamilton. So i dont know anyone obviously. I tried making some, or i am trying to make some off of facebook. its working. i think ive been talking to 4 people now so far? I havent met them yet but hoping to here soon. They might help me out with my consistent boredness. However this was not all i wanted to say in my blog.

Mike <3.

It's been a year and half and a few days with him now. And at first, when i first started dating him i thought it want going to last. Have you ever got that feeling when you're dating someone for a couple-few months and that feeling comes across your stomach when you're with that person, and it makes you think, maybe to much. I usually thought about how i didnt like him anymore and that i needed to get out asap. well yeah that happened to me with a couple of  my few month relationships.

That didnt happen with mike, a few months went by and i was looking for that feeling... i knew it had to of come at some point in time cause it always does.   but nope, nothing came so i said, maybe hes the one, maybe i like him, so here we are at a yr and a half .. ongoing, and i havent been more happier.

I love the way he comes home from work all dirty
I love it when he says i love you
I love it how he always has a way to make me smile
I love it when i make him smile, when hes upset or mad
I love it when he tickles me
I love it when he touches me, and makes me feel safe
I love how imperfect we both are, cause imperfect makes us perfect
I love his laugh, when he bursts out for no reason
I love it when he makes me vibrate the bed by laughing so hard
I love finding the glory with him.
I love him
I love you

Lie to me. Convince me that I've been sick forever and all of this will make sense when I get better.

Somehow I know we can't wake again from this dream. It's not real. But it's ours.

How can you see into my eyes, like open doors? Leading you down into my core

Hold on tight to the special ones who have gotten the chance to be apart of your life. Just try and imagine a day without them.

Give faith, risks, love, happiness, friendship, anger, sadness, fear, knowledge and compassion a chance. The list goes on my dear, but it's all apart of defining who we are

holy shitake mushroms

   So its felt like a YEAR since i've been able to have the time to get back on xanga again.. But oh well, much more to talk about i guess. So where do i start off first? No idea! Where should i start off? anywhere.

fuck it.

#one ; I am no longer attending college this september... I decided i wanted to wait a yr to make sure everything is the way it shold be, save up some money by working the yr and so on. so me and jendur (we were rooming together) basically decided it together.. thank god she thought the same thing as me.

#two ; I am living in Hamilton now.. if you dont know where that is.. its up past toronto near niagara falls kinda.. on the mountain side though..  downtown and down at the bottom of the mountain is d-i-r-t-y, but anywho...   im living with my babe, mike, and his sister and her husband and baby  (its his sisers house) so..  thats where im at now. so far ive been here for like the weekend tops. haha

#three ; apply apply apply ; yesterday i went to the huge ass mall in hamilton called limeridge mall... it has h&m, tommy hilfiger, guess, sportchek, you name it it basically has it, except for abercrombie and hollister... but like come on. haha Anyways.. i applied at tommy, guess, sportchek, and someother places. Since i cant remember anything, its notmuch help when it comes to saying shit is it..  ugh lol.

fuck it.

Thats it so far. im sure theres more that has gone on the whole summer.

a whole lot of rain
a whole lot of bullshit
a whole lot of work
a whole lot of beers
a whole lot of fights
a whole lot of tubing/knee boarding
a whole lot of nothhhiiiingggg

Just love the update and forgive and forget about such a long wait for a new update!  <33

here's to a love that will not alter

it will keep growing inside each of us

over and over, stronger and deeper, again and again.
The End.

Extraa.

1. And I'm sorry for the things I did
For your teardrops over words I said
Can you forgive me and open
your heart once again

2.No school book will ever teach you
how to love yourself,
no teacher will ever tell you
 how to heal,
and no class can help you learn
 how to brush yourself off and try again.
life changes on a daily basis.
every minute every hour.
still, we try to save it.
and she falls down trying.
yeah she falls down crying.
it's hard to grow up in a society
 where you will never be the pretty girl.
Everyone seems to have everything you don't.
 & dreams are always one cloud
away from where you are.

3.so don't explain.
cause i know exactly what you're going to say.
big words, recycled phrases
and the bittersweet taste of all the
the other girls on your lips

4.I've been thinking a lot lately about taking chances.
And how it's really just about overcoming your fears.
Because the truth is, every time you take a big risk in your life,
 no matter how it ends up, you're always glad you took it.

5.Don't you sit up on the shoreline,
 and say you're satisfied.
 Choose to chase the rapids,
 and dare to dance the tides

6. 've been all over the world
I've seen a million different places
But through the crowds and all the faces
I'm still out there looking for you.

7. its amazing
when the moment arrives
that you know that you'll be
alright.

8.Closed off from love
didnt need the pain,
time starts to pass me
before i knew i was frozen.

9.i dont care what they say
im in love with you.
they try to pull me away
but they dont know the truth.
my hearts cippled by the vein
that i keep on closing.
you cut me open and i,
keep bleeding love

10. I'm waiting for the night drifting away
On the waves of my dreams to another day
I'm standing on a hill and beyond the clouds
The winds blowing still and catching my doubts
I'm hunting on the night the slave to my dream an illustrated seen decends in the steam
We're playing for the fights emotional games
I'm turning off my eyes and hiding my shame

BullShit

Do you ever wonder who your real friends are? If you can trust them, if they talk shit about you, if they really mean what they say about you, if they are real or fake, if they are honestly a good friend.

Its something I've been thinking about lately. See. something happened this past weekend,  with my.. "friends."

I had plans with one of them for over a week to attend this party, which i went to anyways.. and she decided to not let me know she didnt want to go to it anymore after texting me during knowing this seeing what i was doing.. Thats disrespectful to me. I did not care if she would have told me she didnt feel like going instead she let me find out she didnt wanna go on my own and told me i was pathetic... How? I just wanted to go to a party with her, and she ditches. And after talking shit about this one girl that day and that week, along with me, she goes over there... haha yeah fucked right?

Im so over it, it just pisses me off how were such amazing friends and she cant even tell me. Knowing that, shits probably happening behind my back as i speak.

Not only did that happen, my other so called friend, was online and i was talking to her and she was with my cousin, like kissing, laying with him, but also with this other guy at the same time (its happened before) and i just wanted to aks her what the deal was because my cousin has the right to know,and she just starts bitching so i lost it of course.. and she called me immature and shit and said i think im better than everyone else, meanwhile she always tries to be center of attention and treats her friends like her pets and like shit period. Now, thats pathetic. i'm soooo sick of it. She's hurt so many people.

Anyways, yeah drama is annoying, High school is dusgusting. Girls are ignorent. I cannot wait to get outta this shit hole.

Now, you cannot tell me shit like this hasnt happened atleast once to you..

Its pretty funny.
Me and the two girls were pretty well best friends and they act like that towards you..   Ha, Guess it was just a big fake lie.

Well, peace out ex's...

It's hard to hold a lot in.
But for me, it's sometimes even harder to let it out.

Say your lines, but ,do you feel them?
Do you mean what you say when theres no one around? All the world is a stage
And everyone has their part
But how was I to know which way the story would go
How was I to know you'd break my heart?

I can't be with someone who has doubts no matter how small they are. I need someone who wants to be with me as much as i want to be with them. I don't want just part of your heart, i want all of it. And you can't promise me that.

Friends forgive all your faults.
Best friends don't see any. ♥

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

Some people walk into your life,
& immediately you know that
they're supposed to be there.

The freshman child oh so shy
 longingly watches the sophomore guy.
The sophomore guy, head in a whirl
merrily stares at the junior girl.
The junior girl in her red sedan
 badly chooses the senior man
The senior man, handsome & wild
 secretly worships the freshman child.

For one split second, she almost turned around;
but that would be like pouring raindrops back into a cloud.

They say follow your heart,
but when your heart is in so many pieces,
which way are you to follow?

For those who have grown with me or watch me grow up, I have always been the same girl. More mature, maybe, more wise, but my core has stayed the same. The funky spunk in my step is still there like it was from my childhood years. My outright bluntness from my first sentence in meeting someone. Last, the choice to be different. Yeah, sometimes I think to myself, maybe I should be like you all out there, start dying my hair, waking up to straighten it, pounds of makeup, looking sexy 24/7. But nah, I'll stick to what I've got. Yes, you super hotplain Jane sometimes, but for those who are understanding me right now;
I'm better than you, because under all that makeup, who's gonna want to look at you now? Now that everyone is so used to seeing you glammed up like a doll? Do you have as much as ambition & drive as I do under all that makeup?

Here's to starry nights
and careless freedom.
To glowing cheeks and
laughter that heals you
deep inside.

And tell your friends that everything is alright
but the truth is that your heart collapsed
Two years ago tonight.

Always tell someone how
you feel. Even if it's
hard.
Because opportunities are lost in
 the blink of
an
eye but regret
can last for a
lifetime.

yet, another weekend has come

Another weekend, wooh.

Me and Jen have a set weekend planned. We are not hanging out tonight, but are for sure tomorrow night. its my dads weekend so i have to go to dads for some time during the weekend lol, so tomorrow night is the big prom party for Cobourg West. Shall be great because shit loads of people are going to it.. so i hope to be getting drunk... FOR ONCE. lol jokes, many times have included alcohol but lately i havent been able to get drunk for some reason.

I dont know what it is... Like prom night i must of drank 8 coolers, a few beer, took i dont know how many shots, not including me funnelling one of my coolers right instantly showing up to the party... yeah and what happens? i got really buzzed... not drunk, nope... but buzzed. FUCK THAT

Next time im going to go all out... yupp lol.. not like i wasnt going all out for my prom, cause i so wanted to get drunk but yeah its gay. So graduation is coming up in a month and were having another party and i am GOING TO GET HAMMERED. i am saying this now so that it will happen because i  will make sure of it haaa.

Anyways... heres an update.    LOVE you all. muchly. xox have a grande weekend.

Peaceeeeeee fuckerssss.

It`s a trip ya know? When you`re a kid, you see the life you want, & it never crosses your mind that it`s not gunna turn out that way.

The difference between physical attraction & love is the ability to see the same person at their best & at their worst & still desire them without one false step.

“The truth is you don`t know what is going to happen tomorrow. Life is a crazy ride, & nothing`s guaranteed.”
[ Eminem ]

Love isn`t what your friends or family think; it`s what you think. Love isn`t anyone else`s problem but the peoples in love. Love isn`t based upon sex. Love is based upon two people who are exactly alike. Who needs money or cars when you have love? A relationship isn`t perfect; it has its good times & its bad times, & when you argue, you make up no matter how bad it is. Cheating is forgivable, but if you love the person like you say you do, there is no reason to cheat cause they`re the only person you need. Love is forever even if you break up; if you loved the person when you break up, you still will. Love isn`t about age; age is just a number. It`s about how you treat each other, not how old they are. Love hurts & sometimes relationships don`t work out & you will cry, but you will find true love one day. You`ll never know when love is going to hit you, & when it hits you, it will hit hard. Once it hits, it`s hard to get back up again. Love hurts, but it`s worth the pain

opening up just gives them more opportunities to try & hurt

give me one hint, just one tiny little thing; the brushing of your arm against mine or simply smile that means more than hello. then i'll know, & can stop wondering.

surround yourself with people who will only raise you higher.
[ Oprah Winfrey ]

i believe we write our own stories & each time we think we know the end, we don`t. perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance, & the peace that comes from knowing that you just can`t know it all. you know, life`s funny that way. once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong.

& you asked me if he was worth it, if this was worth it. I said, the thing is, the happiness that I feel when I`m with him is unlike any happiness I have ever experienced. But the sadness that consumes me during the long periods when the happiness is gone is unlike any sadness I've ever had, too. It is bottomless & makes me feel hopeless & sad. & I can`t decide which one is more affecting. Can I live without the happiness, can I live with that sadness?

You can only push a girl away for so long until she walks out of your life on her own. So be careful ;; & make sure this is really what you want, cause once she turns around she isn`t coming back.

remember all of the good times & all of the special people that were with you during them. let go of the past, but don`t forget it bause there are a great many things that can be learned from what you`ve been through. & most importantly; follow your heart, stand up for what you believe in, & take your own path, always do what you want to do.

in a few years, i'll be off to college. high school will finally be over. i won`t get to see him everyday like i used to. my best friends & i will go our separate ways; we`ll be lucky if two of us stay in touch. nothing will be the same, instead everything will be new. i won`t have a house to come home to everyday. no siblings to scream at. just alone, in a dorm, far away from home. the people i`ve loved  for the longest of times will be another memory added to my photo album.