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| Goodbye for Now
Here I am again at this point of brokenness that I reach because I seem
to refuse the daily breaking, refuse to be immediately bound up again
by His love. Instead I carry myself until I'm faint with the weight.
The sin crushing me from the inside out, flashing out of me in
miniature hulk episodes of attitude, or words, or just general
ungodliness.
pull me, drag me, hold me, keep me, walk me while you pull me over it
Sometimes it feels like I'm being dragged through this walk. But I want it so much. It's the old me that doesn't. My flesh that just won't seem to cease. The old self, that I should reckon as dead has the propensity to lie, to hold bitterness, to be anxious for everything even to the point of sickness, to long after a love, not a pure love, but a one which is soiled by this world. To sell myself short. To hold sick sick thoughts and intents in my heart. I feel like I'm being dragged by the hair at some points.
But I'm not, I'm being held, held in the loving arms that my Father puts around me, keeping me secure. Keeping me in His love when I fail (see jude 21)
Take me, heal me, make me, break me, love me while you pull me over it.
i am so very thankful that I have hope that is not of this world. I've found that it's the times when I least feel like telling Jesus that I love Him, that it is most beneficial for me.
I'm sorry for not being such a good friend lately to anyone that reads this (Regis, Bryn, Betty, Tina, you four spring to mind) I have been busy, but this is no excuse.
I'm going away for the summer, and I don't know when I'm going to talk to anyone, or if I'm going to update. Maybe I need a break.
i was broken but you carried me.
Please, please, please let the brethren dwell together in unity. Let us be a light in this world that see things so twisted. Please let us love the one who created us while we were yet in the womb, love him more than we love ourselves. Refuse to be prideful, refuse it in humility. Help us not to judge anyone, whether it be the homeless person, the business man, the complete jock or the gay guy who lives on your street. Forgive us Lord. Help us to love You Jesus, love You and in that love may it be reflected to the ones around us. But let it be to you alone that the glory is given.
Help us to remember that You are always near, that you love a broken and contrite spirit. That you heal our wounds. That we must still confess to You who knows everything in order to receive the healing work of You, Holy Spirit. Guide us with Your peace. Help us to be sensitive to that peace. Jesus I pray this, I pray that you will mend the broken hearts, the injured souls, I pray that any breaking that happens will bring us into a closer relationship with you. God help us to grow up, yes spiritually, but in all things, help us to come to maturity. Help us to be faithful to you, as You are to use. Help us learn from your word, Your word is truth, and light and is the standard by which we measure our lives. Search our hearts and know us. Unite my heart so I can sing your praise. Fire us up. Burn within us. Help us to pray. How to be continually in communion with you. Oh Jesus help us. We who are nothing without You. Help us in all things. Amen Lord Jesus may these prayers honour You.
Anyone, Everyone, please pray for me. My heart gets so easily deceived by this world. I'm entangled in sin in a way that I know the only way the knots will come out is by the Lords fingers. I need healing from the Lord, I don't know how to break this cycle, only Jesus can. And it's so hard. Please friends. I covet your prayer.
Only You can pull me through
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| Bitterness cannot walk alongside loveI have been reading Bradley Hathaway lately, a well know beat poet and singer. His inspiration behind his cd is written in the book titled "All the hits so far, but don't expect too much" It is such a refreshingly raw and true book. I think that I'd find myself in love with this man if I knew him in real life. I love his truth, and his heart behind that truth.
Obviously you don't have to read it all, becuase i know that it is long winded, but it's so good that i think you should.
"...yesterday i broke it off with my girl because i felt like God wouldn’t have us together at this time and maybe not ever. This is coming from a dude who swore never to break it off with a girl for such a cop out lame excuse given by Christian kids too afraid to say how they really feel and hide behind God. They’re manipulating another by blaming it all on the good, all-knowing sweet Lord and Saviour who has broken more boys’ and girls’ hearts than any pimp or playa can ever lay claim to..."
This struck such a chord with me for a few reasons. None of which I want to get into.
In a song about being broke up with that he wrote, he had this to say about the festering disease that eats us from the inside and many christians live with. We can't live with it friends. Reject this lie that satan tries to get us to believe, you, you cannot live with bitterness in your heart and expect to grow closer to Jesus who created you. Read on by someone who is much better with words than i could ever dream to be.
"..On the surface, bitterness seems to be a good idea. When we’ve been wronged by another unfairly, our first reaction is hurt, and bitterness quickly covers the hurt. It’s the wrapping paper over the package. It’s most certainly a natural thing, too. Bitterness is in out blood, but forgiveness lies in the blood of the One who conquered all evil, which includes bitterness. So when we are hurt, we become bitter and our once pure love for the other person has become everything except pure. Where before we would put the other before ourselves and love them as unselfishly as we knew how, we now place ourselves first, and the one who hurt us not just at the back of the line but out of the line altogether.
Out of Sight.
Out of our consciousness if we could. We no longer wish them good, but disaster. No more wishing them well. Rather we wish them hell, we wish them hell because they hurt us.
But this bitter paper we have wrapped ourselves in only ends up hurting us.
What once seemed a good idea because it was the most natural and most easy has turned into an ulcer on our hearts, affecting how we forever view others around us. And we carry that bitterness near our conversation, so on occasion others are brought down as we belittle the other with our words and make fools of ourselves with our unseen-to-us shame. So on and on we go, we carry this chip on our shoulder. And we distance ourselves from our fellow humans, and even God.
How so?
Because we cannot carry bitterness in our hearts and expect to see God.
"therefore if you are offering your gift at the altar, and there you remember your brother has something against you, leave your gift in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to you brother; then come and offer your gift."
“We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.”
[they both come from the bible]
Only the Lord can fully restore a heart destroyed by bitterness. It is not up to us to change the other’s position, or their heart. It is not up to us to control the outcome of a situation. We are only to have a right heart in the matter. Sometimes it will not work out as one hopes it will, it may take a long time for reconciliation to come.
We don’t have to be friends with everyone, but we do have to love everyone. Bitterness cannot walk alongside love."
Please my friends, strangers and all between who read this blog. Practice forgiveness that brings freedom.
And thank you for sticking to the end and reading this.
And I'm sorry forever. Truely sorry
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| i am not my own.
you bought me with your blood
your precious blood
Today after college, my Grandma and I fixed my sewing machine. She
taught me how to sew, and her, my dad and I made Bulviniai blynai a
family favourite brought over from Lithuania. We call them bleenas.
That is my grandma in the background of my 1926 singer sewing machine.
(i gave it to her to watch it develop, I have never seen the look of a
5 year old in the eyes of an 87 year old before. I loved it)
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| So, I got offered a job teaching English in Ecuador. I'm still thinking and praying about it.
This decision is a big one. My boss-to-be wants me to sign a two year contract, but i think that's too long.
He also wants me to come to Ecuador in July, as soon as I've finished college. I've never had experience in teaching, and I was hoping for a job that would be a cushion under my bum to begin with, this would be about as comfortable as sitting on a prickly pear. (hmm, i just referenced the jungle book)
Another thing that worries me is that there is no calvary anywhere near by. No, I'm not a calvary elitist, but it's good to be able to hook up with people before going to a place, especially christians that i know believe the bible like me, it's good to have ready prepared family!
I thought that I would be moving to York for a year at least coming September time, but I'm not sure how that is going to happen. Jobs that pay well enough for me to be able to afford housing are scarce in my field down there. (haha my field...i sound professional!) It would be my first option, but I don't want to miss out on what will potentially be a great opportunity.
Ahhh, i convert your prayers. i really need to make a decision soon-ish.
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| Umm. I got offered a job.
In Ecuador
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