how can i go to sleep with so much motivation to do it for the next day and that motivation lasts only until lunch time until i fuck up. how can i want this more than anything i want in the world and i still haven't been able to achieve it for a whole year? how can i day dream about the perfect body every minute of my life and still eat that junk?
i need help.

i want it to be like 2 years ago when i first started seventh grade and i first discovered xanga. i didnt have an xanga because i was to scared someone would find it. but i would come home from school everyday and look at all of the weblogs, all these girls that were struggling with the same problems as me. i looked up to them all and i had so much motivation. i wanted it so bad. i probably weighed about 145 to 150ish and i wanted to get so small. it was before i even knew what binging was. i would be able to eat something and feel so bad about it that i would not eat anything else for the rest of the day. now i eat something and feel bad and i binge and binge and bingee. i was able to lose 20ish lbs when i had so much motivation at the beginning of seventh grade and i could fit into a size 3 and i was pretty happy. i move to my moms in april of seventh grade and i gain so much weight from then to now. i am now 185ish and i want to get down to 110 by the end of this year. i go to sleep every night telling myself that i will do this, for the past year and a half. my whole 8th grade year was hell because i never got skinny and i would always binge. now it is september 23rd and i am starting high school a fatty. the last thing i ever wanted to do in this whole universe. i am ready to do it. but i need to get back the motivation back. and i dont know how.
all i know is i want to just blossom this year so everyone i wanted to impress when i got into highschool(although i never ended up doing it) i can show them through out the year that i can change.

girls i need your help more than ever now. if you have ever had this problem how did you deal with it?

so girls remember when i got the skinny bitch book and i became vegan for like 3 days and then i went to my dads and fucked errrything up haha. well so i have been back from my dads for like 2 and a half weeks or so and i haven't been vegan since. i completely disregarded the  book since i came back from my dads. last night i read it. and i am very pumped to do this again. so we'll see what happens.

stay strong

 

im so fat.