Time for a long list of crap...
Once upon a time, in a galaxy so far away it made infinity look like a wee tiny small little beetle in comparison...
(Star Wars theme plays)LIFE, STARS WARS, AND THEORETICALLY EVERYTHING
dramatis
personae:
- Darth Vader:
villain, space pilot, a bad man, father of Luke, has respiratory problems.
- Luke: hero turned
zero, very bad man, one-handed, son of Darth Vader.
- Jabba teh Hutt:
intergalactic Mafia boss, stinks, kills people for fun and profit, loves gold
bikinis.
- Leia: sister of
Luke, ex-princess of the world, loves gold bikinis, eloped with Han Solo who
also loves gold bikinis.
- Han Solo: rascal,
ruffian, smuggler, pirate, a good guy, loves gold bikinis and hair tied up in buns.
- Chewbacca: Han
Solo's walking carpet, unreliable technician, enjoys removing arms from torsos.
- C3PO: golden, shiny,
talkative, walking dictionary and incompetent translator.
- R2D2: hacker, rebel,
bad-ass flame-throwing death-bot.
- Lando: dictator,
Tiberium Bomb advocate, Machiavellian, crippled.
- The Emperor:
Big-Boss, zero turned negative infinity, a very very bad man, son of none,
father of Vader.
- Yoda: short, hairy,
green, speaks funny, acrobat, uses walking sticks for decorative purposes only.
- Darth Maul: tribal,
face painter, loves break dancing, just wants to be loved.
- Obi-Wan Kenobi:
headless, joker, wise sage, heroin-user, presumably dead.
- Uncle Owen and Aunt
Beru: charred, fleshless, forever smiling.
- General Grievous:
has a big heart, spineless, over-compensates for all his/her/it inadequacies.
- Jango Fett: loves to
tie people up and make them very hot, headless, virgin, yet father of Boba and
countless millions.
- Boba Fett: has
similar fetishes as his father, lost his legs to a rubber puppet.
- Mace Windu: hates
****ing snakes and wants all of them out of whatever ****ing plane he's in.
- Qui-Gon Jinn: rock
star, despises authority, smokes crack, hash and whatever, quite gone,
literally.
- Anakin Skywalker:
wee small man, plays too many computer games, likes to pretend he's a space
pilot.
- Padme Amidala:
worry-wart, slow, handy with a blaster, loves to roll around in grass.
- Queen Amidala:
schizophrenic, thinks she's Padme, uses too much makeup, talks funny.
- Senator Amidala:
instigator of imperialism in the galaxy, billion trillions suffered as a result
of her actions.
- Jar Jar Binks: cute,
friendly, tall, good swimmer, causes others to want to kill him more than
Barney. Dies more often than Kenny.
- Boss Nass: big,
ugly, disgusting, loves to piunish Jar Jar, the perfect ruler.
- Count Dooku: old,
very old, very very old, senile, has delusions of grandeur.
- Viceroy Nute Gunray:
bureaucrat, loves red-tape, sleeps in ventilation shafts.
- Stormtrooper: cannon
fodder, disposable, easily replaceable, cloned, stupid, has a worse aim than
Vogons.
- Imperial Officer:
grey, dull, boring, bored, incompetent always on the receiving end of a choke
slam.
- Battle Droid: easily
confused, sings a lot, also disposable and easily replaceable, loves line
dancing.
- Destroyer Droid:
Sonic the Hedgehog-wannabe, loves bubbles and powerpuff girls, not that
disposable.
- Rebel Trooper:
cannon fodder.
- Rebel Officer:
cannon fodder.
- Sebulba:
speed-freak, mat rempit in the truest
sense, street racer extraordinaire.
- Watto: irritating,
fly-like, insect, bug, gambler, luckless, speaks in a Scottish accent.
- Jawas:
techno-priests, garbage collectors, scrap metal dealers.
- Ewoks: furry,
ferocious, evil, animists, tribal, loves pointy sticks.
- Sand People:
communal, confused, primitive, displaced descendants of the Fremen of Dune.
- AT-ATs: HUGE, slow,
not very steady, based on the AT-ST, has a lot of overlooked design flaws.
- AT-STs: smaller than
their AT-AT counterparts, accidentally displaced from the Battletech Universe.
- HK-47: somehow got
displaced in the "future", a gentle soul, ex-assassin droid, loves
arranging flowers.
to be continued...And there you have it, the cast is set, the script is being written, actors are being chosen, and the director is nowhere to be found, and all the cameras have just blown up...
* Using the aforementioned characters, short stories set in the (apparently) Star Wars Expanded Like A Hot Air Balloon Universe will be told over the next few... decades. All "Star Wars Tales" are complete and utter rubbish and is in no way associated with Lucasarts or heck, Star Wars itself (except in some aspects, like names). If any copyright is being infringed through this nonsense, all characters will have the letter "o" attached to the end of their names.
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