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Name: eric.


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Thursday, July 24, 2008

What is your fear?

For quite some time I have spent writing and writing, endlessly it seems, about my fears. I wrote them down for the specific purpose of learning something about myself. It is shocking really to see what sort of person you are from your own writings. I really don't like me, but thats OK! Alright, so you have the means, what was my end, why am I really writing?
The Bible is constantly talking about "the fear of the Lord", and I want to know if I do indeed fear the Lord. The fear of the Lord seems affiliated with faith!

Mal 3:16 Then those who feared the Lord spoke to one another, and the Lord gave attention and heard it, and a book of remembrance was written before Him for those who fear the Lord and who esteem His name.
Acts 9:31 So the church throughout all Judea and Galilee and Samaria enjoyed peace, being built up; and going on in the fear of the Lord and in the comfort of the Holy Spirit, it continued to increase.
Acts 19:17 This became known to all, both Jews and Greeks, who lived in Ephesus; and fear fell upon them all and the name of the Lord Jesus was being magnified.
2 Cor 5:11 Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we persuade men, but we are made manifest to God; and I hope that we are made manifest also in your consciences.

These verses to name a few. So what is my fear? Do I indeed fear the Lord? Why is it important? Well, first thing is first, WHAT does it mean to fear the Lord?
To fear the Lord does not mean to say fear him as we would fear a bully or abusive father. That could not be what is being said because as Acts 19:17 says that then Jesus was being magnified! Could you fear someone like you would an abusive father and still glorify him? NO! Absurd! So what then? I believe there is something about our greatest fears that lead us to what is most meaningful in our hearts. Do you fear humiliation? Embarrassment? Are those your greatest fears, more than the Lord? Maybe you hold on to your pride or power closer to your heart that God. To fear the Lord means that He is what is closest to your heart. I think that is what the sage is saying when he says to fear the Lord:

Ps 128:1 A Song of Ascents. How blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, Who walks in His ways.
Ps 128:4 Behold, for thus shall the man be blessed Who fears the Lord.
Ps 147:11 The Lord favors those who fear Him, Those who wait for His lovingkindness.
Prov 1:7 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; Fools despise wisdom and instruction.
Prov 1:29 Because they hated knowledge And did not choose the fear of the Lord.
Prov 2:5 Then you will discern the fear of the Lord And discover the knowledge of God.
Prov 3:7 Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and turn away from evil.
Prov 8:13 “The fear of the Lord is to hate evil; Pride and arrogance and the evil way And the perverted mouth, I hate.
Prov 9:10 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, And the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.
Prov 10:27 The fear of the Lord prolongs life, But the years of the wicked will be shortened.
Prov 14:2 He who walks in his uprightness fears the Lord, But he who is devious in his ways despises Him.
Prov 14:26 In the fear of the Lord there is strong confidence, And his children will have refuge.
Prov 14:27 The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, That one may avoid the snares of death.
Prov 15:16 Better is a little with the fear of the Lord Than great treasure and turmoil with it.
Prov 15:33 The fear of the Lord is the instruction for wisdom, And before honor comes humility.
Prov 16:6 By lovingkindness and truth iniquity is atoned for, And by the fear of the Lord one keeps away from evil.
Prov 19:23 The fear of the Lord leads to life, So that one may sleep satisfied, untouched by evil.

What is my fear? Is it indeed the Lord?
If the signs and symptoms are indeed shunning evil, becoming wise, being without pride and arrogance... then I don't think He is my greatest fear. And discovering this is the most frightening thing.


Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Why can't I go home Thomas Wolfe?


Friday, June 20, 2008

You're worth the update.

To the few who remain so faithful to Xanga, I dedicate this entry to you.

Summer, how beautiful you are! I don't have many words to describe you, but you need none. We all know the joy that fills us up when we wake up to a warm morning with a subtle breeze. The days promise so much! We make plans for the beach, visiting places where English is foreign, or just stay at home to enjoy a book.  I wonder how people are in places without summer. Perhaps the people there are much more gloomy or lack the sense of wonder in how colorful our world could truly be. I'm sure they could observe it on television, but it's different...like knowing honey is sweet, and tasting it.
I take advantage of most of my days free from work. I walk, take a bus, or sometimes drive to various cafes and sit and read a few chapters of my book. Sometimes, more than the book, I enjoy being around people, risking one of them recognizing the title to start a conversation. I'll have them sit and join me, we share a few lies and pretend to have common interests. In the end I shake his/her hand and repeat their name a few times to remember to remember and wave them goodbye. It's only been a few times where someone will really be interested in what I'm reading, but those few times have been sweet. Come to think of it, I never do remember their names.
More times than the cafes, I like to go to the park, and I go as often as I can. I won't say which park for fear you'll recognize it and ruin my place of sanctuary. I don't know the streets, but I always know how to get there. I'm terrible with roads. It's not to say I am terrible with a map, I'm not, but I have a great tendency to memorize a street by its odd buildings or the number of trees. This is the street's true name. The people who give street names are terrible. I live on Palm drive, but there aren't any palms! We do have lots of bees and bee hives. I'd like to be living on Bee Avenue or Bee-hive drive (just cause it rhymes).
I love the park and as I said before, I go as often as I can. Conveniently enough, it is those very days I go to the park, I happen to forget my phone at home. I park under a tree unique in the park. It's an ugly tree, but it serves its purpose. Its branches seem weak and lean to the weight of itself and the burden of its leaves. The tips sweep the top of my car as if it desired for me to leave its presence. I stay. The tree provides shade thats perfect to read or sleep. I try to remember to move at 1:36pm when the sprinklers set off for five seconds. I return moments later with the grass still moist to finish a chapter. I sometimes read aloud and the tree will shimmy her branches when Mack and Eddie are sitting out planning the party for Doc. It's a Steinbeck fan like me.
I don't like to call it just a tree. It has so much character, more than most human beings, and I enjoy its company than most. It'll need a female name, because the tree is a girl. How do I know? Did I lift a root and check underneath? No, I did not, but she drops seeds, rather promiscuously all over the place. I don't blame her, not only because she's just a tree, but it's lonely being the only one of your kind, in a park full of Oaks. I don't know. I'm terrible with names. I think I have discussed that. What do you think? Here is you're opportunity for some input! Find me a name that suits her character. I don't want the archetypical female name, we're not naming streets here, but something nice.


Eric Ji.


Saturday, February 09, 2008

To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.

William Blake.


Monday, December 31, 2007

10 Resolutions.

 

1. At least once every day I shall look steadily up at the sky and remember that I, a consciousness with a conscience, am on a planet traveling in space with wonderfully mysterious things above and about me.

2. Instead of the accustomed idea of a mindless and endless evolutionary change to which we can neither add nor subtract, I shall suppose the universe guided by an Intelligence which, as Aristotle said of Greek drama, requires a beginning, a middle, and an end. I think this will save me from the cynicism expressed by Bertrand Russell before his death when he said: "There is darkness without, and when I die there will be darkness within. There is no splendor, no vastness anywhere, only triviality for a moment, and then nothing."

3. I shall not fall into the falsehood that this day, or any day, is merely another ambiguous and plodding twenty-four hours, but rather a unique event, filled, if I so wish, with worthy potentialities. I shall not be fool enough to suppose that trouble and pain are wholly evil parentheses in my existence, but just as likely ladders to be climbed toward moral and spiritual manhood.

4. I shall not turn my life into a thin, straight line which prefers abstractions to reality. I shall know what I am doing when I abstract, which of course I shall often have to do.

5. I shall not demean my own uniqueness by envy of others. I shall stop boring into myself to discover what psychological or social categories I might belong to. Mostly I shall simply forget about myself and do my work.

6. I shall open my eyes and ears. Once every day I shall simply stare at a tree, a flower, a cloud, or a person. I shall not then be concerned at all to ask what they are but simply be glad that they are. I shall joyfully allow them the mystery of what Lewis calls their "divine, magical, terrifying and ecstatic" existence.

7. I shall sometimes look back at the freshness of vision I had in childhood and try, at least for a little while, to be, in the words of Lewis Carroll, the "child of the pure unclouded brow, and dreaming eyes of wonder."

8. I shall follow Darwin's advice and turn frequently to imaginative things such as good literature and good music, preferably, as Lewis suggests, an old book and timeless music.

9. I shall not allow the devilish onrush of this century to usurp all my energies but will instead, as Charles Williams suggested, "fulfill the moment as the moment." I shall try to live well just now because the only time that exists is now.

10. Even if I turn out to be wrong, I shall bet my life on the assumption that this world is not idiotic, neither run by an absentee landlord, but that today, this very day, some stroke is being added to the cosmic canvas that in due course I shall understand with joy as a stroke made by the architect who calls himself Alpha and Omega.



In the memory of Clyde Kilby.



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