I must admit, I do not like the United States' current party structure. I do not like their set-in-stone stances on issues. The Republicans are anti-abortion and anti-euthanasia, but pro-war. Liberals, on the other hand, are pro-choice, but anti-war. What we need is some kind of pro-death party. A party that is not only pro-war, but pro-abortion and pro-euthanasia. That's the party I want to vote for. Of course, they would have some very unique policies for the economy and environment. In fact, they would knock both unemployment and fossil fuel use down in size. People would be given jobs running on treadmills that turn turbines and power cities. This idea is genius (which is probably why it isn't in effect). Running with this plank, I think the Death Party would be in prime position to take a swipe at the two main contenders.

WARNING!
Long, rambling post ahead
Proceed at your own risk
I don't know about you, but people who need reading glasses are really irritating. This is especially true if they forget to bring their glasses with them. First of all, I'm near-sighted. I don't have the option to forget my glasses. If I don't wear them, I'm going to start bumping into things. These people need to develop some tact. Just like religion and weight, talking about forgotten glasses to a person who wears glasses should be taboo. I can only imagine how these people handle their job. It must be nice to work somewhere that requires no reading. If I forgot my glasses, I would probably have to go home for the day. Hopefully, I wouldn't wreck my car. I get these forgetful people all the time at my job. What makes matters worse is that they have the audacity to ask me to help them fill in their paperwork since they "forgot their reading glasses." If it wasn't my job to be nauseously polite and courteous at all times, I would get right in their face and ask them how they can forget their glasses. I would then adjust my own glasses which, as I remind you, I need to wear at all times. Thoughtless scumbags. And no, I have no intention of wearing contacts or getting laser eye correction. My eyes are precious to me and I would rather have nothing touching them.

Alright readers, today I have a very special dish for you. Today we are going to eat MOORS AND CHRISTIANS! The dish is truly named just that, except in Spanish. The "proper" name is Moros y Cristianos. For me, however, the true excitement of this dish comes from shouting out the fact that I am truly and honestly eating MOORS AND CHRISTIANS! Moors and Christians, I might add, taste delicious. As with my other cooking specials, I shall list all of the steps needed for cooking MOORS AND CHRISTIANS! (Besides, y'know, burning at the stake.)

Step 1 - Purchase the ingredients
To get the ingredients for this dish you can try shopping at a church or mosque, but I would recommend your local supermarket. You will need to purchase, in this exact order: a red bell pepper, a yellow onion, a bag of rice, a can of black beans, and a tomato. It is also necessary to have some spices in your spice rack. Particularly, the spices you need to have are: crushed red pepper, thyme, cumia, chopped garlic, bay leaves, melange, and crack cocaine (not available in all supermarkets). Could you do me a favor and pick up some bread for me? I forgot to grab a loaf when I was at the store. Thanks.

Step 2 - Prepare the ingredients
Okay, we are almost ready to cook our MOORS AND CHRISTIANS! First, however, we need to do some preparations. Begin by chopping up the bell pepper, tomato, and half of the onion into small cubes (use a ruler to ensure they are exact cubes). Be sure to place them on some plate afterwards so your cutting surface (I used my carpet) does not get cluttered.

Step 3 - Cook up the Moors and Christians
Next, (and this part isn't really funny), add a tablespoon of some sort of cooking oil into a large pot, followed by the cubed pepper, cubed onion, one tablespoon of thyme (pronounced: "tom"), 0.5 teaspoons of crushed red pepper, 1.5 teaspoon of cumin (pronounced: "wha?"), and 2 teaspoons of chopped garlic. Fry it all up for about five minutes until the onions looks delicious. If they do not look delicious by five minutes, you should turn on the stove or consult an optometrist. You will now add the remainder of the ingredients which should include: the cubed tomato, 1 bay leaf, 1 cup of rice, the black beans, and, in a surprise twist, 2 cups of water (clear). Dump them into the pot, stir with something other than your hand (a friend's hand will work in a pinch), and bring to a steady boil. Once boiling, you will momentarily play good cop and lower the burner for the Moors and Christians. To ensure that this isn't taken as a sign of weakness, you must now cover the pot with its lid and let them suffoca... er... simmer for about twenty minutes.

Step 4 - Wait twenty minutes
This gets a little boring. I recommend punching the wall repeatedly. You might want to use a stud-finder first, though.

Step 5 - Remove from heat and eat
You can take of the top and stir up the mass of Moors and Christians now (after you bandage your hands, rather). Let it cool down for a while, dump it all on a plate, and voila! You have a hearty dish of MOORS AND CHRISTIANS!



Oops, wrong photo. Here are the true moros y cristianos.



While it may not look appetizing, I can assure you it tasted great. Mmm... Moors and Christians. Anyway, be sure to tune in next week when I next teach you how to cook a zany dish of Buddhists and Sikhs!