Just got back from student teaching. I now have 10 students that I teach music to privately. It is a really good outlet for me and is helping me to keep up with some of my bills. I feel like I was pretty negative in my last post, but I need to let that kind of negativity out every now and then - that's why I started doing this blog again. I finished my therapy a while back and everything was leaning towards my auditions and getting in to grad school. That is now over. I'm dead set on going to school in Boston, so that is that and I just can't wait. I have been waiting for the opportunity to go for a long time now. Teaching reminded me of an important lesson I learned in therapy: keep active. Not being that attached with much here, it's easy to get depressed if I don't have much activity going on, but the teaching helps. I like to exercise. I just started learning French. I made some important phone calls and am doing my best to keep up on bills and deadlines. Then I have my teaching and I have had some nice gigs lately. I've been driving my car more and am so much more relaxed a driver than before - I didn't drive enough before. My timing couldn't be worse with the gas prices, but I have a small car so it's not as bad as it could be.

Summer is going well. I promised myself I would let myself be lazy over the summer given all the work that went in to the past semester. After school ended I checked my grades about a week later. I normally give myself some breathing room to prepare myself mentally and emotionally before checking my grades...that's when I feel like I'm just hoping that I passed. I have struggled with consistency in my courses for quite a while. I can blame it on outside factors, but I know that the responsibility is all mine. Despite my struggles, I made it through this past semester relatively fine. I made 5 As, 2 Bs, and one C. I expect the best from myself, and I have a tough time owning up to the expectation, but I did fine. It's a step forward for me. I can improve next semester.

Next semester is now an issue. I had financial troubles getting in school each year, so I ended up missing the signup dates for courses and ultimately ended up not taking a couple of core courses I needed to graduate. It could have been a big letdown for me since I was scheduled to graduate at the end of last semester. However, this past school year, I just didn't feel prepared to go audition for grad school. Once again, it was time to audition for colleges and I was unsure of myself. I decided to return next semester instead of trying summer school. That way I can get more experience with my music lessons before auditioning for grad school and I will be able to feel more prepared.

I forgot to talk about my senior recital. It went well. I made some mistakes, but I kept my cool and did a pretty good job. Performing is very important for me, so I plan on performing more next semester. I feel like I allowed myself to miss out on some important performing opportunities in the past. I was feeling some pressure about my recital, not only to do well, but also b/c it was the only time that my parents and Craig would attend the same performance. I didn't want to have to deal with negativity afterwards. I was glad Craig wanted to come to see me, but I did tell him that I was feeling awkward about my parents being there, as well. After my recital my parents met me and we talked a bit. My mother wanted to take me back to my dorm in the family truck, but I knew Craig was waiting (not far from where we were). I felt so strange having to juggle my two different realities. My parents don't know about Craig or me dating. They told me in their own words that it would be better off that we not discuss my personal life. Anyway, my parents left and I was finally able to sneak away with Craig. I don't like feeling like I have to hide, but I know no other way. The enviornment I've been raised in is one where I have been conditioned to be ashamed of being gay. Even in my mind I know that I should be proud of myself, but pathologically, I realize I am very conflicted. I purchased a book written by a self-proclaimed anti-theist. He's basically a more cynical version of an atheist, but he raises many interesting points. His name is Christopher Hitchens and the book was just released about a month or so ago: god is not great. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZ_l3Utr670 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4eBmyABeAa4 I'll have to read it when I get back to my dorm next semester. I don't have enough privacy here that I can read a book antithetical to the Bible and feel comfortable. I get tired of being in an enviornment where my opinion is somehow inherently wrong. Anyway, I always look for closure - a way to resolve problems if even only temporarily and I'm struggling with this one. The only realistic idea I have is to finally get a real consistent job and move out from under my parents. I don't want to make them uncomfortable and I don't want to feel like I have to be someone I am not in order for us to have a good relationship. It's a very difficult issue for me.

Anyway, I just finished working on a skating video a few days ago. Like writing, it's therapy for me  http://youtube.com/watch?v=MVOsrh5ve4o There's been alot of good reaction to it so far. One thing I learned after making the Michelle Kwan video to the music of Dusty Springfield is that Dusty struggled with her sexuality, as well. I'm a very eclectic listener, but I really do love the song "What are you doing the rest of your life?". I found a mini-biography of her on youtube and was able to relate a bit with her troubles. She had a beautiful voice. I've been lazy this summer (3 weeks in now), but I did get myself into group therapy. I am much better than I was before b/c of it. I still have some issues to sort out such as social anxiety, guilt, and being able to enjoy myself socially. I have really struggled with being out in public. I feel like others are looking at me, feel alone, and depressed. I have to learn how to handle it. It's something I want to change from. It feels so weird when someone asks me what I like to do and the only things I can think of that I enjoy are things I can do alone. I can't think of things that I can do with others that I would feel comfortable doing. I want to be happy. I'm doing a better job of it now and I still have a ways to go. With belief in myself and seeking help for my problems, I should be fine.

I have my senior recital coming up in less than a month... It always seems like there's never enough time. I am doing my best to keep focused and keep my grades up. I'm really proud of myself. I didn't post this before, but I actually made decent grades last semester. As and Bs. I thought I had failed one course, but I was spared. I feel like my experiences here have made a good impact on me. I'm more responsible. For ex, today I knew I needed to go to the dr. My body has been a glutton for illness lately. I was sick twice over spring break and just last night noticed new some symptoms. I'm the curious type normally. I checked the internet for information regarding my symptoms. I was convinced I had a hernia. I visited the dr. today after class. I was correct. I've been throught tough times with my health lately, so I know how to handle this. Before I would have become so depressed by the slightest thing, but now I'm fine. I knew I needed to go to the dr. to get myself checked on. I don't have insurance. Haven't had it for about 3 years now. I've only been to one or two dr. visits in that length of time. I have studied here at the University full time and taught on the side, but I never really had anything of my own. I was always depending on my parents. Dealing with financial problems at home made it difficult for me to register for school on time and in turn made it even more difficult to get back on their insurance. Somehow I've found a way, though. Getting insurance is one of my big goals. I'm applying with the city for now. I have to get my papers tomorrow from the school showing I'm registered. I will need a surgery for this hernia, so I hope that goes well.

Having seen much more of Craig lately, I have to say that I feel much more happy with him. I feel more like we have a good relationship. He took me to a diner the other night and somehow we got onto the discussion of me being shy. I am a very shy person. I tend not to look people in the eye. I know that it is not respectful, so I have been working on it. At some point, I bought into that reasoning that the eyes are the key to the soul. For the longest I didn't have that to hold on to. Really, I feel like looking into someone's eyes reminded me of my father when he would hit me. He would tell me to look into his eyes. I was scared of him hurting me. I think I allowed that to develop into some sort of complex as I got older. I have been fighting it off, though. On a lighter note, my half-sister used to play a staring game with me, and I would always lose. So for whatever reason, I'm shy. My body language is very delicate. In public, I feel like alot of my actions are being watched. There's been alot of insecurity. I just recently started attending therapy on campus. After I opened up to my music teacher about my mental health, he agreed with my choice to try therapy. I don't expect much from it, but I know that discussing my problems will help heal them. They give me a diagnosis Wednesday. I feel like it's been depression and social anxiety, but I'm not a professional at things like that.

All I know right now is that I've had this thought in the back of my mind for the past few months "I just want to be happy". I am taking steps to start enjoying life. I feel like I haven't really allowed myself to do that much. It's to the point where I'm often unsure and sometimes even frightened in social settings. There's a lack of confidence. I told myself a few years ago I had to love myself for who I was. This was important to me. I did not know where else that would come from, but it had to come from me. I had to learn to trust. I occasionally chat in an intellectual room and one of the members suggested that gay men tend to have a trust complex after the way their father's dealt with them. They experience difficulty trusting others (mainly men). It's an interesting idea. I'm not sure, but I was thinking about the issue of gender - the power, dogma, and stigma that surrounds it. It's just such a huge issue. I want to live my life as free as I can of such restrictions. I feel like I've had so many expectations on me. I just want to make decisions for myself, but also know a support system. Even though I am not expecting much of this therapy, I do hope that it can help me even one bit to have more confidence in myself.