Whatever promises you hear me break, whatever reasons you hear me make, realize that I am desperate to understand my actions and the consequences they're creating.
And while I do so, it's hurting, but maybe the only thing left to be done.

While true that it doesn't hurt every waking moment, it hurts when least expected and without warning. When the lyrics to a song are more appropriate than they should be, the sigh before shutting my lonely eyes to sleep, when lazy weekend memories overwhelm my thoughts, when the simplest yet sweetest moments come to mind - it never feels like it was the right thing to do.

It's not just about having someone to have that I can hold close in the moments that mean the most,
it's not about the mere companionship to avoid being alone,
it mostly boils down to losing the one best friend that I had opened up to more than anyone else before.
It's about having someone so close that I felt I could rely on. Someone to bring out in me what I never knew I had. About having someone who loved me more than I could possibly love myself. To make a difference in someone's life as much as they have made in mine.
To trust so much, to love even more, but having the decision feel both right and wrong prevents me from really understanding the situation.

What do I do?

It has already revealed its positive aspect and I'm beginning to suspect, despite the hurt, that maybe with time, this pain will dull itself and the choice will have been the most appropriate one.

Things are changing. Time is forcing change upon me but my heart is resisting it. Why must I be so afraid of what will be and why must I focus so much of my energy on the worst case scenarios?

In a way, I hate airport lay overs, and yet I love them. I hate them because it's an in-between; I'm not at either of my desired destinations, therefore, I don't feel comfortable or have anything familiar to cling onto. I'm only left waiting and yearning for what I left or what I have to get to. However, I love them for the pure idea that it's one big adventure. Being in an unfamiliar airport surrounded by people I will never know and being on my own to figure things out.

I suppose it all goes back to change.
I don't like it but the mature piece of me that's hidden away in the back of my mind is whispering that change is inevitable and a learning experience. But the rest of me is so sorry to see something so good change. Can it get better? Will it go bad? And why do I keep leaning towards the latter?