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jlo_kine
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Name: Johnny
Birthday: 12/18/1985
Gender: Male
Interests: Bible, Friends, DBZ, Exercise, Linkin Park, Hockey, Sports
Occupation: Student
Industry: Medical
Message: message me
Member Since:
12/14/2004
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| Tired...So I titled this blog "Tired"...
I m guessing now i m suppose to proceed and explain y and how i am tired...
I've just been emotionally, physically, spiritually taxed lately...
yes "taxed"... y taxed? cause my energy bars from those 3 aspects r being drained bit by bit... like taxation! it takes a percentage out of me every so often.... and i m now spent...
lately, my mind's been pacing... and my heart feels heavy... just constantly... not like i cant sleep but.. it's just what's going on... there r things i think about... a lot of things... or maybe not a lot of things.. just a lot of things regarding certain aspects or events...
this has been reflected in my demeanor... i dont go to work w/ the same cheerful smile... and when i do smile, i somehow dont feel as though i really wanna be smiling at that time...
it's not really a random feeling... i know exactly what my mind runs on and on about... so it's just been taking a toll on me as of late... somehow, i feel this is the most real i've expressed myself thru my blog...
i pray, i sing "Still" in hopes to find refuge... but nothing... so i keep praying.. i still feel peace... probably that's y i still get a good 6-7 hrs of sleep every night...
physically, been playing softball for 2 days, and wasnt really in the mood when i was playing caused by the pacing mind and the heavy heart.. and then my elbow decided to act up again... it picked up where it left off last season... at least this yr i get free therapy... and i volunteer at a sports clinic... so that's being taken care of...
spiritually, starting to see a big problem... surprisingly House (the show, not the guy) shed this light on me... the nun w/ the allergic reaction to her copper thingy said somethiing to the lines that it's better to be angry with God than not, because u cant be angry with a being u dont believe exist...
so i see that it's been a major problem with me..... because i think God would rather me cry to Him or yell at Him, than to just accept Him for who He is and all those other "textbook" qualities about Him.... and i've kind of fallen into that "trap"... and my service to Him, seems like it's coming wave after wave.... i always say i m "burnt out" but i probably dont do enough for Him in the first place.... i guess this is where i need to re-evaluate myself....
alright.. so i m rushed by someone important.. i guess i'll call it a blog....
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| Feelin' like..
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| One Last Breath of Praise"Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the number of moments that take your breath away."
- Anonymous
So I went to two hospitals within this week, I went to them to visit two ailing individuals, one from a car accident, the other, age....
Coming out from each visit, I had different thoughts going through my mind...
From my first visit, it was my visit with a friend's grandmother..
She takes a pretty special place in my heart. She was the one who "took me in" every time when I didn't have home to go back to, cause being in elementary school and jr high, I can't remember the amount of times I've forgotten my keys in my "other" pants. So every time if that happens, I'd go over to my friend's house and she'd open the door to me and feed me.
I was with her for about two hours, from what I was told prior to my visit, she was in pretty bad shape and that's why i decided to visit her ahead of schedule... and to all of our surprise, when i got there, she recognized me!! the incident kinda went, (in her weakness), " who's that? is that johnny?" i was like wow! i don't know what i felt at that point, there was just a rush of feelings.... later on, we were taking pictures with her because it was the best she's been in some time... and in the mist of "hey take a pic with him/her/so and so" she went, "johnny leh (where's johnny)? come over and take picture together" i think from what i gather, this was the first time we had a picture together... it was a pretty overwhelming feeling.. just being recognized and remembered by someone in her state at the moment... some time during my visit, she expressed that she wanted to get up and get out a bit but we all new she was too weak... and discouraged her to do so... slowly, we started to break and asked for a wheel chair and asked a nurse whether it was ok who then further reminds us that it's not because the sitting upright position will put a stress to her system.. knowing well (coming from kinesiology background) what the body has to overcome just to be upright, i took the stance of the nurse and discouraged the action as well. but since i left the hospital, i just thought about the quote at the beginning of this blog.
we have no problem saying and living by that quote when we dont know how many more breaths we can take but we know, whole-heartedly, that we'll still be around for the next breath... that's y we plan all these trips and adventures to experience "moments that take our breaths away"...
but given her situation, where just taking another breath is a moment that takes her breath away, where breathing itself becomes another 9-5 job she cant stand, where the next breath feels like she just ran a mile, where the next breath could be her last...
Do we still take that risk?
All she wanted to do was to see the dogs play. All she wanted to do was to enjoy, see, and appreciate the beauty of God's creations. All she wanted to do was be wheeled out and about and away from that room and away from that position.
We discouraged it.
Why? So her heart can beat another beat. So her blood can flow around once more. So she can breathe another breath. And at that moment, life IS measured by the number of breaths she takes.
Personally, I don't know how I'd feel if I encouraged the action and God calls her home because of it. I'd probably regret it. I'd probably ask a bunch of "what if.." questions. I'd probably kick myself. I'd probably avoid seeing my friend again. Even though, I am convinced she'd be singing among the angels and worshiping in purity.
I, for one, am not shy when it comes to the topic of death because it's the inevitable. But when I am in front of one who's relatively closer to it, I don't know how to address the reality of what's to come.
As for my second visit, it was my mom's cousin. He was hit by a vehicle turning left as he was crossing the road. Ambulance came. He fell unconscious. But when he regained consciousness, he heard sirens, so I assume it wasnt too long after. Right now, he's in the hospital. He cant be upright because he fractured some bone around his shoulder joint and the weight of his arm will cause some pain as the bones separate.
But when I saw him, there was hope. Maybe because his injuries weren't life threatening or maybe he just has really high pain tolerance. He's 70 yr. old. But he seemed to be in less pain than some of the patients I've been treating at the clinic and he was getting a good amount of sleep (11-7) where as my patients, even weeks/months after their accident, they still experience insomnia and headaches and dizziness. In spite of the state he is in, he remembers and looks forward to the events to come. His son, in San Francisco, coming to see him, His daughter, from Hong Kong, coming to see him. Taking his daughter to Missisauga via the TTC. There was much hope as I saw him.
His wife was full of praise, and for good reason. But sometimes it makes me wonder, would she still be full of praise if the unfortunate were to happen? To take it out of her context, could we be full of praise if the not-so-fortunate happened to us? And to us, a rejection from a job, an F, losing a relationship, being swampped by work are some of our "life-threatening" experiences.
Job, a man described by God to be "blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil." He was tested by the LORD. Satan took away all his possessions and his children, every last one of them. In Job 1:20, it is written,
At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21 and said:
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart. [c]
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised."
Our attitude should be that of Job. Praise the Lord under every circumstance. And I, at the moment, praise the Lord for the mysteries to come as I face life head on. With that in mind, I really need to stop complaining about not knowing what's gonna happen for school.
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| Life as an Ironyi was just watching TV and it struck me...
Life is pure ironic, every aspect and every moment...
When we were young, while playing cops and robbers, we always want to be a cop cause they're "good guys"...
Now that i've grown up, they're looked at as being bad guys more often than not.... sure, they r awesome when it comes to putting away rapists, murderers, and big time robbers... but when we see that police car lurking around the corner or that speed gun pointing at u, we say, "o crap, popo"
we scream and complain reasons to justify u speeding or running a stop sign or parking illegally to imply that we've done nothing wrong to deserve it, "i was only going 15km/h over.. everyone else does it"
and going to jail is only for "bad guys" and to ourselves, we're never "bad guys" and there's never anything we can ever do to possibly deserve jail time...
Aids and HIV are real, but they cant happen to me...
the average joe say: "i wish i could be rich"
the rich say: "i just want to an average joe"
u say: "i dont want to think about 'it'" and as u say that, u're already thinking about "it"
we all say we put our health and family first, but these dont become first until we've lost it because of work... this is for all the meals missed, sleeping hours spent not sleeping, missed vacation, birthdays, anniversaries, etc...
death is the inevitable yet we choose to ignore its presence w/ "swallow ur saliva and say again" or "knock on wood"
the most interesting one to me is everyone wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die...
Matthew 19:30 "But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first."
i sign off w/ that verse in mind... doesnt propose much about our world, just His...
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