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I read a Craigslist repost by a "recovering nice guy" directed towards past girlfriends:


The post goes on in this vein, with an increasing amount of bitterness.

I have a strong reaction to posts like this.  Ordinarily I wouldn't post about something like this, but somebody told me recently that they had been subbed to me for years... and felt like they didn't know me at all.  So here goes.

I have next to zero sympathy for "nice guys".  I guess it comes down to a few aspects of the nice guy mindset:

1. Nice guys assume the opposite of a nice guy is an "@$$hole".  That's not true - the opposite of nice guy is being a man (more on that below).
2. Nice guys take no responsibility for their love life.  They are nice, so they "deserve" for the girl to appreciate them for who they are.
3. Nice guys demonize women for not seeing how great nice guys are.
   

I disagree with all three of these thoughts.  I am not an expert on women, so please take my thoughts here with a huge grain of salt:

1) The Opposite of Being a Nice Guy

Are you hiding your feelings from a girl you love?  Figuring you'll get close to her as a friend, and then surprise her with your feelings later?  Constantly downplaying the sexual tension so that she's not threatened by you?

We've all been there.  At some point though, you have to grow up.  I don't know how to put this other than: be a man.  If you like someone, don't hide your feelings.  You don't have to ask a girl out the first time you meet her.  But don't talk about other girls and encourage her to talk about guys.  

You don't have to be super smooth, and it's totally fine to be friends with someone as you get to know each other.  But be a man.  Don't be afraid to flirt a little bit (or banter with someone) if you like them.  Invite them out to a fun bar or restaurant, and then make sure you know the menu and have a plan.  After dinner, have the name of 3 places you could go afterwards to keep the conversation going.  Being prepared is always appreciated (as long as you don't overdo it, which is creepy).

Most girls don't want to date @$$holes.  They just want to date a man.  There's a big difference.

2) Take responsibility

Being nice doesn't mean you deserve anything.

Love is something you have to earn.  Is someone you like not falling for you?  Maybe it's your fault.  Maybe you're not paying enough attention to them, or maybe you aren't interesting.  It's easy to become more interesting: do more fun stuff, read more interesting magazines, talk to more cool people.

When I was younger, I was shy and would have to write down lists of things to talk about.  Is it pathetic to outline a list of topics, and then make sure that you're comfortable talking about them?  Probably (ok definitely).  But nobody has to know that you're prepping...

Most of all, just take responsibility for your love life.  If things aren't going well, figure out what's up and make some upgrades.

3) Don't demonize women!!

This is the flip side of taking responsibility.  A lot of nice guys I know demonize women, and blame them for having the wrong priorities.

There's nothing wrong with bitterness towards the other sex (we've all been there).  But demonizing an entire gender in general will get you nowhere. It's a lot more productive to focus on what you can control: yourself.

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When it comes to dating, be a man, take responsibility, and don't demonize women.  Whatever you don't, please don't be a "nice guy"!

Sincerely,
A Recovering Nice Guy