| …what to do…
when a death of an important person occurs, a person you respected and loved, what do you do? you want to go back in time, but how will that work. you want to do something, and if you don’t you are going to explode, but what can you possibly do that could come close to making you feel better about that persons death. take my life instead, his life was better lived, he was more respectable, he is the one who lived life like you should. but who is doing the takings of the lives? who can change it now? you want to change. change who you are, and how you act, and be more like the person that died. you want to live a life more like theirs in an attempt to respect and honor their life and existence. what does any of this do though? you want to stop, sit down, lie down, and never get up. you want to fall to your knees and weep, and cry, and scream, until you have used all imaginable effort and you are too feeble, frail, exhausted to go on. you stare at the sky and curse all that there is, because you do not understand it, and maybe, just maybe the sky will have the answers… so keep looking. you keep looking, and looking, and the longer you look the more frustrated you become, and the more relaxed and peaceful you come, what emotion will be concocted this time? there seems to be no hint of an explanation as to why this is happening. your emotions are brewing inside of you like lava in a volcano, anxious to erupt with blood red lava boiling at deathly high temperatures, ready to start its destruction and kill anything and everything that comes in its way. get away from him now or else the lava will singe you, burn you, maybe scare you. there is no rhyme or reason, but it happens, and you weep again. sorrow sweeps over you like sand in a sand storm. you are nothing compared to it. it moves and molds around you as if you do not exist. nothing you do will stop what it has in mind. act hard and cold and it will break you down, it will get you no where, run, run away, and don’t stop, but it will catch you, hide and tell no one, and it will find you. you are doomed if you do, doomed if you don’t. the absolute supremacy of this power or authority over you is inconceivable. you fight it and fight it with no end. It is like quicksand, but not like a quick sand you have ever known. you fight it and it sucks you down further and further. your struggles are useless against it. then when you think it is going to take you under completely, it stops. it leaves just the tip of your head out. you can’t move, you can’t speak, but if you close your mouth and don’t let the sand drown you then you can breathe through your nose, and wait, and hope for someone to come help you. but no one knows where you are, or what is happening to you, unless they are in the sand with you… and few are. and now it has been too long… you fight the sand more, trying, hoping, wishing it would enfold you, engulf you. but when all is said and done, the quicksand dries up, and you slowly pull your self out of it. Life goes on, but only because you let it. you are the only one that can let it go on. but you are too week to stop it, or too afraid to stop it. not afraid for yourself, but afraid for others, for the pain, the ache, the hurt, that others will have to endure if you did it,… if you stopped it now. the weight on either side of the beam scale is nearly equal, but life outweighs death, only by a little bit, and only because you are not alone. spend enough time in that sand by yourself, and that scale will become equally balanced, too hard to tell which side outweighs the other, the balance point could go either way, let us hope another unpleasant event does not occur.
another pitiful attempt to stop it.
want to leave me alone?
in loving memory of Aaron Koester
R.I.P. 10/24/04
21 years old
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