ever since august when i lost Tyler i haven't been the same. i thought it was just one of those feelings that would pass; momentary depression that gets easier every day. it's been almost 5 months and every day is harder. the littlest things set me off; not in anger or rage but in tears. i think of the way that he would say something, or one of his favorite songs come up on my ipod, or i catch a glimpse of his picture and three seconds later i'm bawling. losing a best friend changes everything about you. i saw an old friend today that i hadn't seen since the funeral. i couldn't look him in the eyes, i was scared to. the only times that i ever saw him was when Tyler was there. now to see him without his counterpart....it made me hurt. everyone says it will get better, but honestly i'm not so sure. no one will ever take his place in my life, no one could ever replace him. no other event in my life has ever changed me so much in such a short amount of time. i try to not show it, but you guys have no idea how bad it is. every day is a struggle to just get out of bed. "five more minutes, five more minutes" i say. well it sure doesnt help that no matter when i lay down, i never can fall asleep until around 2:30 or 3. i don't laugh like i used to. i try to keep in sync with how everything used to be, the dumb jokes and the permanent smile etched on my face, but those closest to me know that its a front. jessica, adam, jeremy, and even josh lately...they know that i'm not the same. and josh never even knew me while he was still alive. its sad; he doesnt know whats wrong but he knows that i'm not the person that everyone expects me to be. i miss you; just know that. i would give up everything i own just to spend another hour with you. you taught me so much more while we were making pizza crust and slicing tomatoes than i have learned in my twelve years of school and two years of college. i'm not going to say that you were a flawless person, you had your quirks just like we all do. i'll never forget our late night phone calls or our coffee dates; the dollar general parking lot on the back of my car. i loved you for everything you were, and everything that you weren't. i still can't believe that my phone will never ring again with your name on the caller ID, or that i'll never get another drunken message at 3 am about how you want to go swimming at ceasars creek lake with me or about how toby is the best dog in the whole world; toby is daddy's good boy. 
| 
