Priceless quotes at the dinner table:

Mom: They found jesus's bones. That means there was no resurrection. Guess we're down to the bunny rabbit.

Me: I told someone that I was born on easter sunday. They said "Oh great, you were born during the resurrection. You and something with the word "erection" as its root. That explains a lot."

Mom: All my women friends who are older shake now.
Dad: That's better then their husbands. They're dead.

Mom: Why are these eggs brown?
Me: I put fresh pesto in them, and some parmesan.
Mom: I don't care what you put in them, they look like something the dog barfed up.
Me: Well then MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN DINNER!!!!
Mom: Jesus, don't be so moody. Pass the wine dear.

Mom: My hairstylest is pregnant. What am I going do do after she gives birth? Who will cut my hair?
Me: Is it hers?
Mom: Far as she knows.
Me: You need to go to my hairstylest. She's a lesbian. That way you don't need to worry about her getting sperminated.
Dad: Unless its the immaculate conception.