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| i am surprised that i find peace in the art of war. | | |
| hey jess. hope your great hehe. just been so caught up with everything thats NOT important lately :) no, no love life problems. we're good. im good. i saw a girl the other day. i almost pissed myself when i saw her. my heart literally stopped because i thought it was someone i knew. i thought i saw you. hehe pretty crazy huh? | | |
| i realized many things. i think i know how to be happy. so if i had one wish... i wish time would just stop right now... that way, everyone would be happy... | | |
| so i finally did it. im single, once again, after 2 years and 2 months. except this time, it was me who broke it off. do i deserve a medal or something for making someone cry? im not really sure what made me do it. all i know is, i wanted to do it. something compelled me to do it.. i know the problem is me. im just so paranaoid of getting hurt again.. i dont really know how i feel. angry, sad, but happily excited all in one. i wanna be a robot. just delete everything and every emotion. i dont know why i stayed so long. maybe the sex? haha jk. but i think once you cant picture spending your life with someone, i think thats the point when you have to end it. something i should have done months ago. shit. so why am i crying, its what i wanted right? but why is my heart bleeding? why are these tears falling? im not really sad.. but im not really happy either. i guess thats just the side effect of cutting off a piece of your heart. ya, theres always friends that i could probably call up and have a crazy time, just to forget for awhile. but the one person that could have helped.. the only person whos help i want... your thousands of miles away. i see you everyday, just so you know, i got your pics all over my wall. it makes me smile, because your smiling. i'll see you soon. dont you dare change. ever.. | | |
| you know whats funny? out of all the people in the world, the only one im dying to talk to is 18734502947520 miles away. or maybe im just pathetic, who knows. damn. it happened AGAIN. fucking bullshit. maybe theres just something wrong with me that people just lose interest. physical pain. i saw a man come in the hospital yesterday, his hand was almost sewn off after a chainsaw accident. i was actually the one who helped suture his hand together. the sight was disgusting when i look back. bone. veins and arteries cut. blood just gushing out. but at the moment, i was only thinking of 3 things. BREATH. WIPE. CUT. maybe thats what keeps me sane, having this alter ego that takes over and prevents emotion and any form of empathy when things are just too nasty. thinking back, how painful it must have been. physical pain. but you know what, sometimes i'd prefer that pain. theres another pain. an ache in your heart that wont seem to go away. it makes you cold and shake. no matter what you do, it always takes over all other thoughts in your mind. squeezing your chest until it gets hard to breath. squeezing the space where your heart should be. ya, it all in your head, but damn, that shit wont go away. BREATH. damn its hard to breath. WIPE. wipe away the tears, wipe, wipe, why wont you stop coming? CUT. take this feeling away from me. alter ego? where are you? friend? after all this time, i need you. theres no one else im missing but you. theres no one else i'd rather see than you. theres no one else | | |
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