jst_a_girl's Xanga

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 03:16:24 GMT

last year... i can still remember so clearly... i miss it so much... trip to canada... and trip to china... i remember how sad i was leaving houston... but when i was in china.. it was me with the world.. and it felt great... every day was filled with surprises.. no worries.. no one to worry about.. i was carefree.. and i felt like a child at a candy store.. nobody to tell me no and everything was at my fingertips...

i dont understand how the people who are suppose to mean the world to someone can hurt torture and suffocate them... i dont understand why i always feel like im running... i dont understand why i always feel misplaced... im not sure if it was being in a different country... having the freedom... being with certain people.. i dont know what it is.. maybe the environment... having no pressure.. not sure what made everything so perfect...

the world doesnt give you time to cope... i always have the hardest time explaining myself... i just cant find the words.. and when i do.. i just cant put it together... but these are the nights when i sacrifice my sleep just to find time to cope...

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 19:42:56 GMT

hey... i know im the last person that you want to hear from since you've been ignoring all my calls and my texts... but i just wanted to see if you were alright... and you're probably thinking.. leave the me the hell alone cuz im the one who broke your heart.. and i think everybody is thinking the exact same... that may just needs to stay the hell away from clayon and move on with her life and quit hurting clayon... but i cant... i know i can.. but i refuse... i want to.. and i need to know that you are alright... people keep telling me.. why do you still care...? just move on.. but that's the thing.. i do still care.. i always have.. ever since the first time i met you.. i have cared.. and always will care... no matter what happens... trust me when i say this.. i never meant to hurt you.. but then again.. i never meant to hurt carl.. i never meant to hurt anyone.. but i cant help it.. it just happened.. you were my best friend for like 5 wonderful years... and i still consider you as my best friend.. im not sure how you're feeling now.. probably at the "hating me" stage.. but i guess you have the right to hate me.. for all the pain im putting you through.. but trust me when i say this.. if i could take away the pain.. i would.. and trust me when i say this.. you never did me wrong.. you were good to me.. not perfect.. but perfection is not what i was looking for.. willing is what i was looking for... i fell in love with your heart.. you have a big heart.. (sidenote: im writing this at the UH library.. and tears are falling and people are looking at me.. ) you took very good care of me.. and trust me when i say this.. the nxt girl will be so lucky to be with you.. but i.. i just fell out of the relationship.. and it wasnt fair for you or me to be in the relationship... the physical part of our relationship and the emotional part of our relationship just wasnt working for me anymore... and yea.. i could have stuck out longer to see if it'll work.. but it wouldnt be fair to you or me... you deserve someone who will appreciate all that you have to offer and vice versa... just when i decided to step out of our relationship.. you decided to change once more... each time you change you changed for me... and i didnt want you to just change for me.. i wanted you to change for yourself.. yea.. being in a relationship did somewhat mold us.. but our beliefs and values are still the same.. those are something that we have to find and figure out ourselves... there is no doubt in my mind that i will for sure give us a chance in the future if time prevails.. because i do believe…Christina Aguilera.. “if you love something, let it go, if it comes back, it’s yours; that’s how you know”… I was talking to someone about this situation.. and I told that person that I fell out of the relationship… and I asked if I should wait.. and stick around to see if I can fall back into it.. and that person said.. it’s best to break it up and see in the future.. that person told me.. it’s hard to force yourself to fall for someone… especially if that person is your first… so I guess what im saying is.. you don’t have to talk to me again.. I guess I deserve it.. but I remember when I asked you once.. a long time ago.. when we first started dating.. that if we ever broke up.. will you still talk to me and be my friend.. and you said of course… but I cant blame you.. it’s probably harder said than done.. but just know that whatever you decide to choose… I will always be here for you… and that you can call me whenever.. text or email or AIM me whenever.. whenever you are ready… because you will always have a piece of my heart… ALWAYS…

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 16:30:39 GMT

why does it always happen to me..?

im the one always breaking hearts... even my own.. it doesnt even make any sense... i think they should lock me up in a mental institution... like i first requested... keep me in a white padded room so i cant do anything but bounce up and down and against the walls...

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 23:29:06 GMT

if i could take away the pain... i would...

Monday, February 04, 2008

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 18:51:08 GMT

i procrastinate way too much... i needa put myself in a room.. with no phone no laptop no tv no music no food... only a pencil and my AIS book and project... *sigh...

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Sat, 26 Jan 2008 12:46:38 GMT

I SACRIFICE A LOT FOR YOU...

PLEASE SHOW ME THAT YOU'RE WORTH IT...

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 01:13:31 GMT

today was like a fast fun moving day... it was like bam bam bam bam bam.. one thing to the next.. going like 90 on the hwy trying to get from on place to another...

how can i not love this guy? i hope you're not just saying this cuz you feel like you have to... it really means a lot to me.. more than you can ever know... thank you...

xaznxangelx4xux (11:28:58 PM): are u mad cuz we cant hangout much anymroe?

clayboidaplyboi (11:29:19 PM): no

clayboidaplyboi (11:29:24 PM): im equally busy

clayboidaplyboi (11:29:40 PM): you got people to work wit

clayboidaplyboi (11:29:51 PM): i got you for the rest of my life

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 00:41:14 GMT

so today was the first day of school for me... and i was late for my first class cuz of a car accident and couldnt find parking... and when i got onto campus.. the first person i saw was... you... i told ya i was gonna see you pretty soon.. but i didnt know it was that soon.. so again.. running into each other on accident... i saw you.. you saw me.. and i just kept staring at you.. and you stared right back.. and then you waved.. so i had to wave back.. then small conversation.. and we went our separate ways... leaving a huge smile on my face... wasnt sure if it's cuz of you.. or the irony of my last comment on my last entry.. and just running into you again...

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 03:49:37 GMT

operation #0110 was a success... even though it took us nearly 8 hours to complete... but i love you guys... you guys always make things fun... and yes.. lupe fiasco..next big thing...

what i didnt do today was meet skip aka rafer alston... i wanted to go meet him and get this autograph and check out his moves... hmmm.. o well...

and i also didnt go to my friend's house-warming party.. which i was actually planning on going... but i guess it wasnt a meant to be situation... when i first got her text.. letting me know that he was there... i was like.. man.. good thing i didnt go.. i dont wanna see him... cuz he's a real ass... and im glad we never accidently run into each other anymore like how it used to always be... but after a few minutes i thought about it.. and man.. i wish i could have gone.. cuz you know what.. im not gonna let him influence my decisions... but again.. i guess it wasnt meant to be.. cuz operation #0110 was suppose to take place on thursday... but issues came up.. and then we couldnt do it friday.. and today.. it shouldnt have taken us 8 hours.. but it did.. soo if every little thing didnt happen today.. i would have been there.. o well... next time around hun.. i gotta pretty good feeling imma see you soon...

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 04:15:51 GMT

it's been awhile since i've written anything on xanga... i remember when people used to be on this thingy 24/7.. but now it's all about too cool facebook and stalker page myspace... which i guess it makes it safe for me to write nonsense on this thing...

i wanted to write an entry before school starts... and it goes something like this...

a lot of people tell me that i need to open up more.. be less secretive.. more personal.. yada yada yada... but what i think people want is drama.. we're humans.. we make mistakes and feed off of other people's drama.. i mean.. we all love action movies.. and drama.. drama drama drama... people just want to know the juicy drama going on in your life.. and i guess i tend to keep that a secret for the most part... it's not that i dont like to share.. cuz trust me.. i do.. i love sharing.. it's just that i dont trust many people... i have to get to know the person first.. which may take months.. and then the other person has to share something personal about themselves to me.. so that way i have leverage.. just in case.. lol... nah.. but anyhow.. if you dont know my personal life.. either take it as a compliement.. im saving u from all my secrets.. or you just have not earned my trust... but u'll still live without my drama.. just find it else where...

my new year's resolution in 2007 was to pay off all my debt.. and be nicer to my mom... well.. i have one more credit card to pay off... a lil less than five grand.. i should be debt free by summer.. and i think have been nicer to my mom.. but i guess it's because im never really at home to be mean... lol.. but i know i can try harder...

a lot of people have been asking me.. boyfriend...? and somehow i always change the subject and not answer their question... but what happened..? well.. i realized that i have commitment issues... i turned out to be someone i hated the most.. it disgusted me.. i couldnt even keep promises.. and i hate it when people cant keep promises.. i was so disgusted with myself that even I woudnt date myself... and that was when i realized that he deserved someone better than me.. and at that point i also realized.. wth?? he took me for granted.. i was everything and more... but i knew better than that.. it still didnt give me the right to do what i did... now what did i do? lol.. now that's a secret.. i am amazingly good at keeping secrets.. lol.. and for a brief period when i wasnt with him... i hungout with my friends and grew closer to them.. met new people.. focused on myself... felt less stress.. felt like i had more freedom to do whatever i wanted.. it's not like he always kept tabs on wherever i went.. but he did always call and asked where i was.. just wanting to do for my safety.. and then what happened next? well.. the holidays came around.. holiday parties which my parents invited him to.. and vice versa.. and he started to realize that he did take me for granted.. and changed day by day.. and i came clean about my commitment issues.. and told him that i really do have commitment problems.. and winter break.. i had more free time so we hungout more.. and with our old high school friends that came into town.. so in a way everything felt like it was back to normal.. if there was another guy in the picture.. would things have been the same..? that i dont know.. but as of now.. there are no other guys... and up until now.. we havent talked about our relationship and our status.. i guess he's giving me the time and space that i asked for...

dont get me wrong... i do strongly believe that he is the love of my life... but somehow deep down inside.. i wish i havent met him just yet.. i want to be a free bird and do whatever i wish.. and then settle down with him.. i feel like im too young to settle.. i love how he's trying so hard to make things right this time around.. but im not sure if im scared because he might hurt me.. karma.. or if im still not ready to commitment.. you may think.. four years and i still got commitment issues.. lol.. yea.. but i also realize that i am putting myself at risk.. with me not making a decision... i could risk losing him to another girl... i dont want to let him go because he is the one.. but i do still want to meet other people.. other guys.. and hangout with other guys... i guess you could call me selfish... or just human.. or jst a girl... lol...

as this year starts... i kind of want to be single.. i just have a lot on my plate.. 12 hours of school..and 3 of those classes are extremely hard... 24-30 hours of work.. you may think oh work.. no big deal.. but actually it is.. my work is not that simple... i am director of a food nutrition program.. i deal with multiple lawyers.. state officials.. cpas and accountants.. board members.. and ignorant and coworkers who have no leadership skills and never take the initative and is always waiting for me to give specific directions or tasks... then sorority.. this semester im in charge of rush and im pledge mom... so i'll be extremely busy.. but im extremely excited!!! i still really want to get involved in my church.. instead of being a passive sunday goer... my family at home needs me.. parents who nag all the time.. and always ask where i go... my 11 yrs old sister.. the reason i stayed in houston for college.. she needs me for schoolwork and such... and the boyfriend who always want to spend time... dont get me wrong.. i love spending time with him too... but with all that going on this semester.... and my goal of wanting to grow closer with my friends and meet new people... it'll be hard... and you can say.. dont worry about me all you want.. but you know that's not how i operate.. i will always worry about you... but then again.. it'll be hard not having someone there all the time... i wish i was hannah montana.. that i can have the best of both worlds... i hope he'll be understanding.. because i am stressing myself on how to make this all work out this semester while keeping everyone happy... i just dont want you to feel like im ditching you for my other friends or for sorority.. or something else.. just know that this is what i want to do...

so my goals for the spring 2008 is.. get 4.0 gpa this semester.. cross a big class.. pay off all debt.. find accounting work.. be nicer to mom.. hangout with little sister.. grow closer to 5 people.. take every opportunity to meet new people.. understand and be tolerable of other people's shortcomings.. workout 3 times a week.. drink and sleep healthy.. keep in touch with old friends.. <3 <3 <3