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| "We know, too, that some men are differently constituted from others, and have some rare and remarkable faculty of doing with their body what other men can by no effort do, and, indeed, scarcely believe when they hear of others doing. There are persons who can move their ears, either one at a time, or both together. There are some who, without moving the head, can bring the hair down upon the forehead, and move the whole scalp backwards and forwards at pleasure. Some, by lightly pressing their stomach, bring up an incredible quantity and variety of things they have swallowed, and produce whatever they please, quite whole, as if out of a bag. Some so accurately mimic the voices of birds and beasts and other men, that, unless they are seen, the difference cannot be told. Some have such command of their bowels, that they can break wind continuously at pleasure, so as to produce the effect of singing. I myself have known a man who was accustomed to sweat whenever he wished. It is well known that some weep when they please, and shed a flood of tears. But far more incredible is that which some of our brethren saw quite recently. There was a presbyter called Restitutus, in the parish of the Calamensian Church, who, as often as he pleased (and he was asked to do this by those who desired to witness so remarkable a phenomenon), on some one imitating the wailings of mourners, became so insensible, and lay in a state so like death, that not only had he no feeling when they pinched and pricked him, but even when fire was applied to him, and he was burned by it, he had no sense of pain except afterwards from the wound."
St. Augustine, The City of God, XIV:xxiv This is one of the most often noted passages of The City of God, at least around NSA, and I think that is mostly because it's not often that a church father waxes eloquent on certain scatological wonders of the Roman world. His point here is really quite interesting, I think. Augustine is wrestling with some of the finer points of sexual lust, and the ability of the will to control it, and posits that in the Garden of Eden we must have had complete control over our, erm, congressional desires. The libido of Eden, to Adam, was surely a slavish and fleeting thing. Case in point -- so says Augustine -- look at how much control we have now! There are people who can wiggle their ears. That's pretty cool. Animals can cause a spasm in their flanks, apparently impressively localized, that scares off flies and other unseemly parasitic critters. And, though translations differ wildly in their particular euphemistic phrasings, apparently people could do some pretty rad things with their plumbing. Well, if there are people who can move the hair on their heads and be burned and poked and stuff without screaming like little girls, imagine what Adam would have been like in The Garden! Picture, if just for a moment, an Adam that could actually lick his elbow, belch with flawless perfection all the soaring parts of a fugue, and even remember to take out the trash on Wednesdays. The world is crying out for redemption, and God most certainly hears it and answers in his time. Mankind has made a lot of progress, and if you look very closely at the footprints of Western Christianity, you will find some real keepers in the tread. Houdini could swallow a key and hold it, sideways, in his esophagus for all sorts of trickeries later. Einstein drafted the theory of relativity on napkins, smashing centuries of work in physics in a handful of lunch breaks he took while working at a patent office. There's been the odd chap in history that could write two letters, at the same time, in different languages, each with a different hand, a feat that is generally only possible if the hemispheres of the brain are separated by a scalpel. Apparently, nowadays we're teaching this type of skill to children.I'm very glad that God built the world in such a way that every joker who appears on Leno to turn his eyelids inside out or spray milk out of his ears actually answers the saint's prayers that "Thy Kingdom come." The human body is fearfully and wonderfully made, and also tragically broken. Each of these people represents a tiny little redemption. Which, I believe, is why we laugh. Grace is funny. Just ask Isaac. Augustine, this one's for you: Make sure you are sitting down and that your neck is stabilized. The sheer tsunami of awesomeness rushing from this video will likely dislocate your brain, maybe even liquefy it.Today is Fat Tuesday. Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday and the beginning of a Skinny 40 Days. I thought it appropriate that today we could remember, however briefly, just how glorious it is to have the image of God stamped up and down our immortal selves. I said earlier that we've made a lot of progress, and I believe that; I also believe that we do a good job of sinning much of that progress clean into oblivion. If we are short sighted, and never move past repentance, it's easier to forget the Einsteins and remember the Hitlers. Today, eat drink and be merry: for tomorrow, we die. And for the love of Pete, encourage Joe Mikler to figure out how to do that with his flute. He's only got 41 days until our next party - our next tiny resurrection. | | |
| WIKIPEDIA 4EVRLove It. Live It. Use It At Parties. Impress All Your Friends.
I heard this particular epithet used on Dylan Moran's Monster, and -- whaddaya know -- it turns out Wikipedia has a whole article dedicated to this delightful phrase and its history. Whoever said Wikipedia is ruining Academia needs to be shot in the face. Would that I had read more about this type of stuff in college.
Also, does anybody really know the words to this song? I mean, in a few days, millions of people across America are going to be swaying, arm in arm (sometimes, on New Year's Eve, I guess people have problems staying standing), and singing this song very poorly. What's more, even if they were stone sober, they wouldn't do a very good job.
I hereby solemnly swear to learn these lyrics, and sing the whole dang thing on New Years. I encourage you to do the same. It even has a traditional dance. Go ahead -- cut a rug for God's Old Time Faithfulness to us, and the new things he promises to do.
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| Shoot Me Now While I'm HappyI played Dance Dance Revolution with Dr. Peter James Leithart tonight. Needless to say, I don't expect the pure rapture I felt this evening to ever be equaled ever again in my lifetime.
Ever.
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| Peer Pressure is my MotorI dedicate this post to Abby, who refuses to let me call her Aberdeen, despite the undeniable awesomeness of such a nickname. She has "tagged" me, which is a quaint way of saying she has coerced me into answering and posting a quiz. Taking upon herself the mantle of the Spanish Inquisition, she has demanded of me answers to the following, which I prefer you read as the cries of a tortured and desperate man:
1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.
A. This book doesn't have lines, because it is written like a comic. But the fourth panel says: "And so, comics' low self-esteem is self-perpetuating! The historical perspective necessary to counteract comics' negative image is obscured by that negativity." Understanding Comics by Scott McCloud (McCloud is Scottish for McFrigginGenius, which would also make a good menu item at McDonald's).
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What can you touch?
A. Mostly just my wall. With my arm stretched out like this, I can't even touch myself, and I look like a Nazi. This quiz is racist.
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
A. MTV was on, but it was muted, and there were people rapping and stuff.
4. Without looking, guess what time it is.
A. It's business time!
5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
A. It's business time! Hm. I guess business hours are over, baby.
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
A. My house is exceptionally quiet, given that it's late and all of the responsible people have gone to bed.
7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
A. Like five minutes ago, I went out to my car to get my Gatorade. It's Fruit Punch flavor, which is not as good as Orange, but they were out of that at the convenience store. Also, at this convenience store, I tried to buy a whole lot of Laffy Taffy, but it was all old and brittle. Instead of being filled with delicious candy, I was filled with sorrow.
8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
A. I can't even remember. I probably looked at my chair to make sure I wouldn't miss it when I sat and break my tail bone. Doing that type of thing is awfully embarrassing, so I usually try to avoid it.
9. What are you wearing?
A. My jam jams and the infamous blue hoody which I've had since 8th grade and which I seem to be wearing in nearly every picture ever taken of me. I'm also wearing really expensive wool socks, the kind with all sorts of synthetic materials which nobody can pronounce.
10. Did you dream last night?
A. No. Even when I do, I have normal dreams that I don't remember, and they usually involve something like me going to the store, buying some milk, and then waking up. A dream about buying milk is pretty boring, and I think my brain would rather just sit around and do nothing all night because that can't be much more boring than dreaming about milk.
11. When did you last laugh?
A. Watching The Office about an hour ago. That's not terribly remarkable, however. If you don't laugh at The Office, you deserve to be in prison, because you have no soul.
12. What is on the walls of the room that you are in?
A. The carrying case for a four pack of Cricket Cola, which is a green tea cola which is so delightful that I'm convinced it will be served at the Wedding Supper of the Lamb. There's also a Black Eyed Peas vinyl on my wall: it's the Pump It single, given to me for my birthday because I'm absolutely retarded for that song.
13. Seen anything weird lately?
A. I was with Molly Miltenberger for a little while tonight. Enough said. Then, at the gas station, I walked by a car full of people, and for some reason the car and or people smelled like gingerbread. I suppose that's just smelling something weird, but whatever.
14. What do you think of this quiz?
A. If you're looking for some sort of value judgment, I'd rather wait until the end to comment. I'm not expecting to be impressed.
15. What is the last film or video that you saw?
A. The Science of Sleep. It was surprisingly funny, but it was that special kind of funny that you can't really relay to people after the fact. It was also totally awesome because it used English, French and Spanish pretty liberally throughout, which allowed the film to easily gallop on the Pony of Sweetness straight into Radville.
16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
A. A Mazda RX8 and a bagel. Maybe I'd buy the bagel first.
17. Tell me something about you that I don't already know.
A. I don't know who "I" is. If it's Abby, then there's plenty about me you don't know, like how my favorite Conquistador is Juan Fransisco de la Bodega y Quadra, mostly because his name is sweet. You might also be unaware of the fact that I am an astronaut.
18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt and politics, what would you do?
A. Kittens would grow on trees all year round, so if you ever wanted one, you could just go outside, pick a ripe kitten off of your kitten tree, and increase the cuteness factor of your life one thousandfold. I would also make sure that the kittens would not die and then fall off of the tree like normal fruit does, because the only thing worse than a dead kitten is piles of dead kittens around a tree.
19. Do you like to dance?
A. Yes, but most people don't like to see me dance. I've been told I move my hips too much, and it's quite scandalous. I dance at home to Jennifer Lopez when nobody is looking.
20. Comment to George Bush:
A. He hasn't impressed me, but I hated Gore so much that if Gore had been running against Satan, I would have had to think about who to vote for.
21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what would you name her?
A. Piper. There's a few other girl names I like, but they're even weirder, and I'd like to be able to name my first child without my wife punching me in the face.
*post scriptum* A good friend (and fellow Grey's Anatomy zealot) has pointed out to me that I have been remiss in listing another, possibly more awesome name for a girl: Addison. What's more, it fits in nicely with my answer to Q.22, which can be found roughly an inch below this sentence, depending on your monitor resolution and your velocity relative to that of your computer screen.
22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what would you name him?
A. Elisha, because I've always wanted to have a kid nicknamed "Eli." Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin and forever enraddened that name. I have far more respect for George Washington Carver, primarily because he invented peanut butter, but I do not like his name. I don't know how that relates to the question, really, but ol' GWC deserves mad props for dropping Peanut Butter Science on the world and rocking it's face off.
23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
A. Yes. I want to live in Madrid for a few months and get fluent in Spanish, and then I want to live in Greece and eat so much hummus that I have to have my stomach pumped just to stay alive. Garbanzo Engorgement is high on my list of Awesomely Gluttonous Things.
24. What would you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
A. Here's your party hat and noise maker. You're sitting next to Martin Luther, so be warned: he likes to drink, and sometimes he likes to get rowdy. Despite what you might think, somebody can still give you a wedgie in heaven.
25. 5 people who must also do this quiz on THEIR blog:
A. Dave Berry, James White, Spiderman, Dwight Shrute, Andrew W.K.
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