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just_agnax
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Name: Lo
Gender: Female
Interests: I enjoy spending time with people, being outside in God's creation (mountains, beach, city or country), star-gazing, and watching re-runs of childhood TV favorites like The Cosby Show and Doogie Howser M.D. I like to read, especially when its not for school. I really like music, love to sing and have a secret ambition to one day be on Broadway (though it will never happen-it a nice dream). I enjoy traveling and experiencing other cultures through clothing, music, and sometimes food. I love the school in which I graduated from, almost everything about it, especially dorm life. Work life is not quite exciting, though it has its perks (specifically, no homework).
Expertise: Coffee and Tea
Occupation: Starbucks Barista
Message: message me
Member Since:
3/25/2006
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| Pinpointing the painSo its basically been a really long time since I have posted anything, so I will be very surprised if anyone will read this, but I suppose realistically this is really just a way for me to process things anyway, but if you are reading, hopefully the ramblings of my mind and heart make sense. My heart has really been hurting lately...I have tried to supress it and ignore it, but I know its there, I suppose I really just don't know how exactly I am supposed to fix it. I don't know that I can pinpoint an exact cause of the pain, I believe there are multiple causes. For one, the Lord has found definite ways to point out my shortcomings lately. Now, obviously that one, you can't really get around, there are things I must work through, but it can be very hurtful. I have always somewhat prided myself on being able to make people feel better and more at ease. Someone I am very close to told my entire family over Thanksgiving that I always put them down...apparently my sarcasm has taken the best of me and I am considered rude and selfish...I never in a million years thought someone would say that of me. Not that I am perfect by a long shot, I know I am a selfish, prideful person; but I have always tried to be very careful when it comes to other people's feelings. But that is just one of many things, some I won't get into right now, because the biggest one is lack of community. I have felt alone many times in my life, but nothing quite like this. Its like no one truly sees me, no one truly knows me anymore, I have never felt quite this invisible. I mean, I still have amazing friends...but we all live at the very least hundreds of miles from each other, if not thousands. Lives go on when you live that far away, it becomes very complicated to talk about anything real, anything of substance. Its not like in college when you could take a walk around campus or curl up on the bed and talk for hours. Conversations are limited to a quick 15 minutes here, 30 minutes here, how's your job, how's your family kind talks and typically not much more (not that it never happens, its just few and far between). When I just want to sit and talk to someone face to face...it doesn't exist. Though I have a church family, there are no kindred spirits, no one I could call and ask if they wanted to meet for coffee and chat about something going on in our lives. I don't know, maybe this is another part of me being selfish, a lot of people love me...but I'm craving true relationships to go with that love...is that too much to ask for? My heart is crying out for someone to pour things out to, someone who will listen, not that they have to give advice or come up with solutions, just listen. I guess part of me doesn't want to overwhelm people with my issues, everyone has enough problems of their own, they don't want to listen to my problems too. I'm not a high-maintence person...and I really never want to be, but I think in a way that is keeping me from experiencing true community...I don't want to burden other people with my crap...but a major part of relationships is taking one another's burdens and loving each other through those burdens. But how can this be done? It is much easier said than done... | | |
| I'm not sure what to do...I get home from work, totally exhausted and I don't want to talk to anyone or go out and do anything because I have been around the public all day, but I am overwhelmingly lonely because I have no real interaction with people. I'm getting emotionally exhausted on top of being physically tired...I feel like I can't hold it together much longer. I am not as down as this sounds, but I'm just trying to figure things out and thought I would share my thoughts... | | |
| Sometimes I hate being an adult... | | |
| The plague...has entered my household. Okay, maybe that's a tad dramatic...but that just seems like a good way to describe it. My mom has shingles (something that causes extreme itching and muscle pain, as well as fatigue) and I have Bronchitis (I'm sure that comes as a huge surprise to my friends who read this). So needless to say, we are kind of a pathetic household right now. I was supposed to meet up with a friend from college, who was in town on a business trip, for dinner...obviously that did not get to happen...major bummer. Other than that, I have been kind of busy lately with work and an event I am helping to coordinate at my church this weekend (pray that I will feel better by Sunday, I will be at church all day). My dance class is going really well, but we are taking a break for about a month...it will probably be nice to have a break, but I'm glad they are not over for good. Well, that is all for now, I should really go try to sleep...hopefully I will be able to! | | |
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