| we're off today to head back up to rensselaer for thanksgiving. ben is going to pick me up after work so we can head straight up there and avoid as much traffic as possible. i can't wait....emma has been staying with my in-laws for the last few days and we both miss her tons! i also am looking forward to seeing my family. you know, the funny thing about living farther away, is that the homecoming is so much sweeter. it almost feels like a mini-vacation. not to mention, there's nothing like my family's good home cooking.
i started my new job over a week ago. it's great. everyone here likes to joke around quite a bit and their humor is very sarcastic. kinda reminds me of my college days. speaking of....sometimes i sit and think (too much i might add) and remember my time in college. for one thing, i really miss my roommates. especially sara...there are just so many stories i wouldn't even know where to begin. i also think about my education. i really enjoyed st. joe. the classes weren't that bad and i loved my professors. i was doing so well in class, making the dean's list, getting scholarships like crazy. so what happened?? i don't even know. it seems like once i got married and pregnant i almost felt like an outsider. for one, my roommates were no longer there for academic and emotional support, and two, all of my classmates were younger, party going, free spirits. they didn't have the same responsibilites i did.
maybe it was me, you know....maybe i distanced myself. after all, i felt like i had been put into a different group (in my mind) just because i chose to get married before i graduated. not to mention, my life, at that point, had changed focus and started revolving around my husband and our ministry and our new lives together. in so many ways i feel like i have let everyone down by not finishing school. after all, i'm only 2 semesters away from having a bachelors degree. but now, its so discouraging....how do i find the time and the money to get back to college. this has been my prayer for a while now.
don't get me wrong, i am so happy to be married and to be a mother. i couldn't have asked for a better husband. i don't know anyone else who would be willing to put up with me and all my issues. i know without a doubt that god made him with every intention of making him my husband (or making me his wife, rather, since he is older). i think most times i probably take him for granted. it is so important to wake up every morning and thank god for the wonderful blessings he has bestowed upon me (especially ben & emma). so yes, i don't regret marrying ben or having emma, i just regret the procrastination of my education.
i feel like since i've started my new life with my family, i have almost lost a part of myself. i've been so focused on life as a mother and life as a wife, that i almost forgot about the old me. i feel like it's 2 different people.i guess i just continue to pray that god will make a way for me to finish school and that he will reveal to me just what it is that i am supposed to be.
lord, you are all knowing and all seeing, and i know that i could never begin to fathom what it is you have planned for me. and i know your word says that i shouldn't worry about tomorrow and that it won't add any years to my life, but its so hard sometimes. lord, forgive me for my reluctance to surrender these things to you. continue to mold me and make me into the woman you created me to be. and lord, i am thankful...not just tomorrow, but every day... |
