Oh the Deep Deep Love of Jesus

January 2, 2014

So long 2013…

Here is my annual year at a glance… well, more than just a glance…

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January flared in with a Christmas tree burning at the State Beach…

Watch it here –> Christmas Tree Burning… and cops…

a crooked water bottle and a sore back…

Gracie working on a Home Ec project…

schooling and devotions by the fire on a cold January day…

Gracie learning how to pump gas…

winter camp in the mountains…

a new Bartosch driver (permit)…

a supportive boyfriend at the chiropractors…

an awesome sunset…

a mustache mishap…

Bob turning 61…

and Josh turning 23.

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We cheered February in with a superbowl party…

a new job at Starbucks…

Kitty kitty laser eyes….

Gracie dressed for a cotillion dance…

a plethora of whipped cream… (can never have too much!)

a trip to Griffith Observatory…

…and hangin’ with friends…

Valerie turning 20….

and a house full of sickies.

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March exploded in with a neighborhood fire…

roses to celebrate 23 years…

a bad accident…



which came with lots of pain for Valerie…

Gracie getting to met Matt Costa…

more pain for Val with the removal of wisdom teeth…

Home Ec class bakin’ a pie…

an 18th birthday and a boyfriend for Julie…

Kona teaching Ellie some stretches… ahaha Kitty Yoga…

a first date train ride…

Easter egg coloring…

and Easter dinner with family and friends.

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April flew in while Josh and Val flew out…

Arie, the hair cuddler, finding a sweet spot to rest…

devotions on the porch…

making yummy fish tacos for dinner..

and some graduation photo shoots for Miss JulieBelle.

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May found Gracie and Mom planking…

a trip to Disneyland with gals…

Ellie turning 22…

Gracie joyfully dissecting…

and a selfie from Julie.

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June washed in with waterproof iphones…

a picture with a love…

Gracie promoted to 11th grade…

Julie’s high school graduation…



another doctor visit for Val…

Josh and Val swimming under…

as well as trip to the aquarium…

Julie all puffed up…

yet another doctor visit for Val…

a protein powder pancake breakfast with the Bettenhausens…

yet ANOTHER visit to the doctors for Val…

Kiki & Arie gettin’ comfy…



a Father’s Day celebration…

with father’s day picture before heading to summer camp…

a 3 month photo shoot…

me learning Latin (never saw that one comin’)….

and double date at Fish Fest.

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July cooked up some lesson on making manicotti…

Gracie kickin’ butt teaching pilates…

also celebrating 16 years…

…with a pedicure…

…and a new ear piercing…

…silly pictures…

…and double birthday celebration with friends from Refuge…

more selfies from Julie…

an Independence day float and swim…

…and a nice dinner with family and friends…

a 9 1/2 year cancer check-up…

a selfie from Grace…

7-11 day Slurpee run on our camp trip…

enjoying camp…

… and another Guajome lovely photo shoot…

more butt kickin’ from Grace…

an In and Out picnic…

a impromtu dinner with good friends…

and the baristas enjoying the sunset.

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August found us traveling to up north…

visiting Donner Pass…

a float in the pond…

Mimosas…

swinging by the Trukee ditch… ahaha

a day trip to Lake Tahoe…

hitting it big…

Julie having a chance to drive the Monster…

hiking the mountains…

making manicotti…

a newly licensed driver…

a voyage with good friends on their anniversary…



surfing…

and silly conversations…

*sitting down to some school stuff*
Me: Whatchu doing?
Julie: I’m goin’ outside to water the grass…
*I glance up at her and then I do a double take*
Me: You got a crown on your head???
Julie: I certainly do!
…Barista Princess…

silly times in the pool…

*sigh* yet ANOTHER visit to the doctors…

Gracie sporting a new haircut….

a night out on the town…

with a good friend…

water ballet…

hangin’ with a taller twinsie…

a relaxing picnic…

and Mom teaching 7th Grade at Veritas Classical Academy.

m

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September stepped in with selfies…

Ellie cuddling with her baby…

Gracie babysitting at Veritas and doing preschool with the littles…

holding the newest cousin…



joining the family in owning an iphone… (**surprise**)

mom’s 50th birthday celebration…

…spent up in Crestline in a cabin with the fam.

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October launched with Casey turning 21…

and Steve turning 56…

Valerie sending a kiss…

Gracie racing in the Color Run…

Kona and Julie having enjoying a rest…

Jazmine and Gracie purring…

Val getting ready for a date…

Ellie being a zombi…

as well as Gracie being Rosie the Riveter.

Julie being a Ninja Turtle by day….

…and a fairy by night.



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November found Julie single again…



Valerie’s students dancing at a fair…

Valerie… once again… at the doctors…

but also managing to have some fun with Josh…

Julie also took a trip to prompt care (strep and mono)…

Gracie shining in the daylight…

mom teaching C# at HSFM…

Gracie looking gorgeous as usual…

Kiki finding a new spot…

    a surprise day birthday celebration…

a movie date…

a fun day at Disneyland…

planning thanksgiving…

going to a wedding…

…and having a good time…



a lunch date…

being artsy…

baking a gluten free, dairy free pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving…

sending some love…

having more snap chat silliness…

family and friends around the Thanksgiving table…

some lovin’…



a date night…



…and imitating snaps…

Julie with brown hair…

and sleeping (not on the job – but at it!)

Gracie having bonked her bean…

and a trip to the ER… (concussion)

silly pictures …

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December appeared with a heart shaped scar from a nasty cut…

new flooring after a flood…

creative cooking when you can’t stand on the floor…

Julie being a super planker…

before and after…

…and new carpet too…



…as well as a new paint job…

Julie sporting a new bass…



Ellie fixing her dresser… all by herself



Val helping with the painting…

a new pantry in the hall closet…

Christmas tree shopping…

…and decorating…

Gracie cuddlin’ with Kaden…

a middle of the night formal invite….

taking a quick rest…

watching a play…

singing tunes in the car…

putting up the lights…

listening to my 7th grades sing…

enjoying the beautiful weather and sunset at Christmas time…

a Christmas Eve dinner and sing-a-long with friends and family….

a very warm (Santa Ana winds) Christmas morning…

a hawaiian Christmas flash mob at Starbucks…

Watch it here –> Bartosch Hawaiian Christmas Flash Mob

a Christmas gathering at the long table…

a day after Christmas get together too…

and singing loud for all to hear… watch it here –> Crazy singing at the Bartosch table

a surprise 50th Birthday celebration with long time friends…

an early morning coffee date…

the last picture of 2013…

and finally the first picture of 2014.



This year had some high highs and low lows… but I guess that’s true of every year. We excitedly wait for all God has planned for us for this new year!!

December 4, 2013

~~ 10 Years Cancer Free Today!! ~~ CELEBRATE!!

Every year at this time I update my site with my story of cancer. This year is a particularly joyful milestone:

10 years cancer free!!

And this is my story. This is my daughter Gracie’s story, too, for it was the day Gracie broke her leg that I went in for my biopsy…

You can’t tell a story like this without there being suffering. There were days of mourning and sadness and stress and points I thought I’d be crushed under the weight of my circumstances, but that all pales in comparison to the grace and mercy and comfort and peace that I had through Christ through this whole ordeal.

This is a story of victory.

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My anniversary and my daughter’s anniversary

I am thankful it is a happy one… that is, 10 years still cancer free for me – and Gracie all mended up!

Going back to Thursday, December 4th, 2003: I was busy doing lots of things, getting ready to go to an afternoon appointment to have a biopsy on a lump they found in a routine mammogram in late November two weeks before. I was trying to balance my checkbook on the computer while talking with my friend on the phone, when I heard an ear piercing scream — you know, one of those that goes down to the core of you — you know something awful has happened.

I run in to the front room to find my daughter, Gracie laying on the floor screaming in pain. She was 6 at the time. My other daughters were trying to explain to me what happened — she was running and had slipped on the floor. We had our cleaning people here and Amelia was mopping the tile floor. Gracie ran chasing the cat and stopped at the end of our couch — one foot on the tile floor, one foot on the carpet. But the tile was wet, which sent Gracie’s foot and body sliding in a very weird twisted position.

It wasn’t making sense to me at the time. Gracie wasn’t in the kitchen, nor was she on the carpet by the end of the couch – rather she was a ways into the family room. My brain couldn’t figure out how she had fell and got where she was. Days later I found out that my oldest daughter, Elizabeth, had tried to carry her to me, but Gracie was screaming in pain so she laid her back down and came to get me. She thought when she tried to move her that she made it worse, so the poor girl didn’t tell me until days later. It was then, too, that Elizabeth told me that she heard Gracie’s leg crack when she was falling. A big *SNAP*. Had I known that, I would never have tried to move her myself, as I thought she just ripped a muscle or ligament or something.

I tried to move her but she just screamed. I didn’t know what to do -so I just quickly packed her up and laid her on the bench seat in the van – she was in so much pain.

Every time I had to brake, every bump, every little movement made her scream in pain. I went to prompt care (which was closest to my house). I ran in to get someone to help me, but no one would come out to the car to see her. They told me they had a 2 hour wait and I would just have to wait or take her to emergency. I was so upset — at that point I should have called an ambulance. The thought of now driving another 8 miles was just unimaginable. But I got back in the car and headed for emergency with Gracie screaming in the back, trying to use calming words to comfort her. I tried to call Steve at this point to let him know I had to go to emergency instead of prompt care, but my phone was dead, and my car battery charger had to be bent in the cord just right to make it work. So there I am trying to drive on the freeway, trying to hold the cord just right, while trying to call him and keep Gracie relatively calm. But my phone would NOT work!

Up to this point, I was holding myself together. I pulled up in front of emergency, came around to the side of the car and opened the van door. I was telling Gracie that I needed to leave her for a moment so that I could go in and get some help – obviously she’s screaming for me not to leave her. Just then two doctors were walking by and they stopped to ask me what had happened. I told them she hurt her leg and then I lost it…I just looked at them with tears. They sent the guard in to get a wheelchair. I couldn’t even squeak out a word to say that she was so hurt she couldn’t sit in a chair. So out came the chair, finally now getting a hold of myself, I told them I needed a bed. When they went back in the bed, the guard asked me if I needed anything – I told him I needed a phone so I could call my husband. He gave me his — sweet man — one act of kindness that will forever stick out in my mind — a sweet mercy God blessed me with.

No one wanted to be the one to move her to the gurney, so I just did it quickly her screaming the whole time. Once in emergency they gave her some morphine, but it didn’t really help. The Dr came in and just looking at her leg said in amazement that she had broke her femur. I guess femur breaks are unusual and they maybe see one in a year. The xray confirmed it. It was all a great trial of my strength as every time they had to move her, weigh her, you name it, she would be screaming out in pain.

This is Gracie in emergency… you can see her leg is real swollen. Thankfully I remembered to grab a few comfort items for her one the way out of the house, her pillow, her reindeer, and her blankie.

Gracie was hungry after a while and we tried to feed her but she just got sick. She was sooooo miserable!

We needed to wait until the pediatric orthopedic dr came to talk to us about what needed to be done. We waited for hours. Finally it came the time when I need to go do my biopsy (called a stereotactic biopsy), which was just across the parking lot from where we were. So I figured I might as well go do it as we were waiting.

That was an ordeal. It was bizarre — a specially designed examination table where I lie face down, and then the table is raised and the double needle biopsy procedure is performed by the doctor and a nurse beneath the table. I cried through the whole thing, not so much for what was going on with me, but because I finally had a moment away from Gracie where I could release all my stress emotionally without upsetting her.

The Orthopedic Dr came while I was at the biopsy. He said that the best thing would be to have this external fixator put on her leg surgically. That surgery was set for 7am the next morning.

THE NEXT MORNING????????? Are you kidding me?? I was so upset. She had to spend the whole night in pain??? She was admitted into the hospital and we braced ourselves for the long night a head… and what a horrible night it was. We were in some overflow area of the hospital, not even in a room, so when she screamed it just echoed everywhere down the hallways. I was so exhausted by the next morning. Gracie would get upset if I got upset and would not let me leave her side — so a night of trying to keep myself in check and come up with comforting words stretched me to my very limits. Praise God for His strength, especially when ours is depleted!!!

Thankfully, also, we had some very competent nurses that tried different things to make her comfortable. One of them had noticed that she was twitching — which I guess is common when you have a break that the muscle twitches around it — so every time it would twitch, it would cause her bones to move — lots of pain. So they gave her some valium to calm her muscles. So she did sleep a bit — maybe 6 or 8 times of 10 minutes each over the whole of the night.

The surgery the next morning, Friday December 5th, was quick — like a half hour tops.

This is her right after surgery. Finally — peaceful.

This is what the fixator looked like.

And this is what the break looked like in an xray. Gracie was hospitalized for 6 days.

It takes two days to get results back from a biopsy and because I did mine on a Thursday, that meant that the results would not be in until Monday.

Over the next couple of days getting smile out of Grace was impossible.

Monday morning finally came around. I called the Dr’s office to see if my results had come in. The receptionist told me that my Dr had the day off and made me an appointment at 4pm with another Dr in the office to go over the results when they came in, which she said, should be in within the hour. 10 minutes later she called back — said that Dr. Masserman was coming in after all and they’d like to me to see me and discuss the results in a 1/2 hour (his office is on the hospital grounds as well).

Dang… that wasn’t good news. I called my friend Thelma and cried on the phone — “They want to see me now…” She tried to encourage me not to get upset until there was something to get upset about. But I new…. I knew from the fact that Dr Masserman was coming into the office on his day off… I knew from the look on the receptionist face when I walked in… I knew when the Dr Masserman was asking many questions on and on about Grace instead of just telling me the results were clear… I knew, and finally he said it: Stage 1a Breast cancer… kind of just like hung in the air…

We left the office and I fell apart. Up to this point, not many had even known I was going in for the biopsy… How was I going to break this to my parents, my kids, my extended family, my friends? So I threw it on Steve. Told him he needed to call everyone, because I couldn’t take having to retell this over and over and over.

My friend, Thelma, came to the hospital to stay with Gracie while we went to my appointment. She brought my daughter, Elizabeth with her. Thelma and her had to endure Gracie’s physical therapy while we were gone. They were in another room while the physical therapist was working with her, but she would just scream the whole time and it went through every wall. Enough to make anyone’s nerves rattle.

My friend Sue, came to the hospital to spend some time with me. This is a picture she took of me while she was there. And this is where I stayed, slept, etc for the 6 days Gracie was in the hospital. My eyes are red from crying…

I mourned and wept for 3 days
straight, always trying to hide it from Gracie, as it made her very sad to see me sad and she had enough to deal with. I mourned for the loss of my health. I wept for the uncertainty that it all meant. I also, obviously, was mourning for Grace and the pain and suffering she was having and would continue to have for months. I mourned that I wouldn’t be able to have any more children. That was a huge blow to me. I wasn’t mentally done yet, even though we had been unable to get pregnant for the 5 years prior to this, there was still hope that maybe God would open that door again, but it was definitely being shut.

The nurses were very concerned for me as well as Gracie. We were treated very well by everyone. They offered much comfort to me during those days.

Gracie did better and better each day. Moving was a screaming ordeal, but even that improved every day.

This was Gracie ready to come home.

Grace got out of the hospital completely needy — wheelchair bound and had to have everything done for her.

We set her up in my room next to my bed. Thankfully we still had a little toddler bed up in the attic.

My surgery to remove the tumor was that next Monday (15th). My mom came down to help out as Grace need to be lifted and carried and I was not going to be able to do it (during the day when my hubby was gone).

My mom helping Gracie in the shower

This was just after my first lumpectomy. We took this picture to send to my sister in Idaho.

My friend, Karin Sanders, made Gracie these underwear that had velcro on one side. That was a huge blessing — finding stuff for her to wear was tricky. The girls had these pants that had snaps up the leg — we used those a lot and then just other times dresses or skirts.

Gracie needed to be taught how to clean her pin holes, which needed to be cleaned several times a day with peroxide and a q-tip. Gracie did not like to see her leg, so we kept it covered with an ace bandage most of the time.

The surgeon thought he could go in and just do a lumpectomy to remove the cancer and some follow-up radiation… everything sounded so neat and easy, but, alas, the results from the Dec 15 lumpectomy revealed that not only did they not get a clean margin, I had a second type of breast cancer as well. This was located in the milk ducts.

Another lumpectomy on the 22nd trying to get a clean margin. About 1/8 to a 1/4 of the breast was removed between the two surgeries. And because it was all the way to the breast wall, it left an heavy indentation in the breast tissue.

On Christmas Eve I got the test results by phone from my surgeon — the tests showed that it was all over my breast (still no clean margin). I would need a mastectomy to remove the cancer completely from the breast. I had also finally gotten the pathology results. My tumor was a very aggressive one. My surgeon scheduled me for an oncologist appointment that afternoon.

Thinking back, it was even a “fluke” that I had gone in for my mammogram. I only did so because we had met our deductible for that year. Otherwise, I’m not sure that I would have found it important enough to go in for one. We make a gazillon “random” choices a day. This one turned out to be the one that saved my life. Because of the aggressiveness of the tumor, it would have been a matter of time before it had metastasized and it would have spread quickly… and then this would have been a story…

Off to an afternoon appointment with the Oncologist (still Christmas eve). More bad news from him. It wouldn’t be enough
just to have the mastectomy, I also needed chemo because there was like a 40% chance, because of the blood vessels that tumor creates, that it had spread into my blood stream where it could deposit somewhere — even though the initial tests showed that it hadn’t metastasized to my lymph nodes.

I didn’t want to tell my parents, who were at my house.
I couldn’t bear dealing with their fears and sadness while trying to come to grips with mine. So although we told them about the mastectomy (they were next to me when I got the call at home), I didn’t tell them about the chemo, which I found out about at the oncologist’s, until after New Years and we had the test results of the CT and PET scans.

Steve, earlier in the month, had written out “NOEL” on our gate with Christmas lights. When we drove in to the driveway from the oncologist appointment that Christmas Eve, he looked up there and said “Noel?? We should change it too: Oh hell!” I love my hubby and they way he makes me laugh even when everything around us is caving in.

Gracie and I on Christmas Morning

Gracie got a snow white dress up for Christmas — she just loved it!

The next few days were hell for sure. I hadn’t had my CT or PET scan so I didn’t know if it had metastasized, didn’t know if I was dealing with life or death or just a big bump in life. I struggled terribly to even smile. But it was Christmas so I did try really hard – but the news was so heavy on my heart — would I even be around for next Christmas? So every so often during the day, I went into the bathroom and just cried.

I vividly remember the *total* lack of joy I had for 3 days. That is the heaviest I ever remember my heart being. I can remember crying out to God to lift the heaviness as it felt like it would squash me under the weight of it.

During that time I remember I started going through the promises of God to me as His child — His love, His perfect care, the fact he would never forsake me or leave me and was walking through this with me. These promises focused me on my future hope. And the heaviness lifted. I can remember Steve driving me to the appointment where I would find out the test results. I didn’t know if it was going to be good news or potentially devastating news to my family. But I vividly remember an inexpressible joy in my heart as we were driving to that appointment. I didn’t care what the results would be; I was standing on the promises of God and my future hope and that made me content, peaceful, thankful and joyful. God is so faithful!

The Scriptures that helped me so much to find that joy in the pit of my trial – which caused my soul to rejoice in the Lord even in the midst of the hardest thing – and sustained me through the whole trial:

1 Peter 1:3-9:

³Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, ⁵who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. ⁶In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, ⁷so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; ⁸and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, ⁹obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls.

I had the tests the day after Christmas and on Monday, Dec 29th finally… Good news. It had not metastasized!! But that following Monday, I would already start chemo…

In preparation for my hair falling out, I came home from my appointment and cut my hair short.

And then again the day before my first Chemo on January 3rd.

Chemo started January 5th and went for 4 sessions 3 weeks apart ending on March 5. The first one was really bad; I spent the most of the night laying on the floor of the bathroom. The next three days that nausea would not leave me. I remember calling the doctor on that Thursday in tears — will it EVER go away???! I had to drink large amounts of water to rinse the chemo from my system – but I could only suck small amounts at a time through a water bottle laying down. Finally on Day 6, I felt a bit better and started to eat. The next week I had to go and get my blood tested. I had to have one red blood cell shot — and then had to go in every day for 5 days for white blood cell shots. To this day, I dont’ think I have had anything quite so painful. They give it to you in the back of your upper arm very slowly. This causes your white blood cells to start producing, which your bone marrow makes. So all my bones would start to hurt horribly (especially my jaw) and I would run a high fever. This lasted about 2 or 3 days after my last shot. Finally the 3rd week I felt back to normal, only to start the whole process over that Friday…

Each successive chemo I wasn’t down for quite as many days — maybe 4, then 3, then 2 — amazing how your body can start to cope with something. Although by the 3rd one, my white blood count would be almost nil when I would go in – so then they gave me this super duper white blood cell shot that would last for a week — It was a $5000 shot! Yikes!

Two weeks to the day after the first session ¾ of my hair fell out in the shower. That was something that even though you prepare yourself for, when it happens it completely blows you away!! I mean, I knew it was coming, but when it actually arrived it was “reality” and I remember leaning over in the shower and just weeping. I mourned my physical appearance – the one that tagged me as a cancer sufferer. I mourned the reality that I would have to walk through this this part of my treatment. I wept for the effect of the chemotherapy on my body. I mourned and wept the whole day. But even with that, the shock and sadness only lasted that day. I was ready to move on. Looking back, the thought of losing my hair was horrible, but once it happened and I got past the shock, it really wasn’t as horrible and is seemed it would be. I shaved the rest of my hair off, and this is how I looked for the next few months.

January 22nd

I got a wig, but I think I only wore it twice — it was too itchy.

I mainly did a scarf thingie.

My Mom and I

It was a long haul for Gracie and her physical therapy, which thankfully was here at the house every three days — a very painful road to full mobility.

She had another month of physical therapy. Here she is with her physical therapist, Soriya.

Gracie was amazing in zooming around on the floor. She would sit on the floor with her leg straight out in front of her and scoot along the ground with her arms lifting her off the ground. I was amazed how quickly she could get around like this. Much quicker than the bulky wheelchair!

She finally got to the point of being able to stand on her leg without her walker, but this was not until late February.

Gracie’s got her fixator off on our anniversary, March 3rd.

Even with cleaning those pin holes several times a day when she had the fixator on, we still had issues with infections. This, unfortunately, has caused her scars to be pretty deep and still noticable today, especially on the top two. But she doesn’t seem to mind. I would always tell her from the beginning that they were Jesus kisses on her leg – God’s mercy in being able to heal such a horrible broken bone!

Here she is so excited to finally get to wear a pair of pants after 3 months.

She limped for a while, but now you’d never know.

This is her in August 2004 – you can see the pin hole scars in her leg.

I felt God’s grace and mercy upon me day and night. I had some down time, but those, PTL, were few and far in between. I think I cried more for Gracie than I ever did for anything I was going though. I mean, God gives you grace to deal with what you are walking through, but not always what others are walking through. And watching your kids suffer is NEVER easy. It was a time that I was very close to the Lord. I felt so much peace — definitely that peace that surpasses all understanding and was outside of myself. There was nothing in me to lean on my own ability to deal with this, so my strength was found in Christ alone.

Easter 2004
(Oh look — we hadn’t broken our wall out yet into the kitchen!)

I chose in April of 2004 to have a double mastectomy (because, I mean, who would want to go through this again!). So as of April 20th, 2004, I considered myself to be cancer free as having gone through the chemo and mastectomies, assuming the chemo has done what it was supposed to do, which was kill any microscopic cancer cells floating in my body.

Here’s me recovering from my mastectomies.

My hair started to growing about 3 weeks after my last chemo.

6 weeks, May

2 months, June

In July we went camping. I laugh at this picture because it looks like Matt and I have matching haircuts!!

August

September

December

It grew fast, growing almost 1/2 inch a month. It came in thick, and curly in the back — which is so funny because I’ve always had pretty much stick straight thin hair!!!

Alas, the curl is gone and I’m back to straight hair now. (taken on Thanksgiving 2013)

At the time of the mastectomies my surgeon also started reconstruction. That was a long painful process which stretched out over the next 3 months, where I had to go in every 2 weeks and get injections of saline with this 4 inch needle into these reconstructive pouches that were put in during my surgery. YIKES – you should have seen that needle!! (Yet, God gave me much grace to endure — in the end it wasn’t all that bad). This was to slowly stretch out the skin for the final reconstruction implants. That surgery was in late September 2004.

When I was told that I would need to have 4 more years of oncologist appointments 4 or more times a year, it seemed like forever away. 5 years of this! I naively thought that once I had the chemo and mastectomies, I wouldn’t need to do anything else — why? It was all taken care off. Never thought about after care. And now, those 5 more years have passed (and then some). I still need to go 2 or 3 times a year for blood tests, but I am officially done with having yearly CT & PET scans.

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Survivor.

All these people refer to themselves as “cancer survivors”. That is a word I had not associated with my personal case of cancer nor one that ever resonated with me up until two years ago when I saw my biopsy reports for the first time. Up to that point I guess I had saw cancer like any other type of illness/thing one might get that could possibly end your life. I mean, it’s not like I run around calling myself a “Graves Disease survivor” or “pneumonia survivor” or a “car accident survivor”. And it’s not like I ever focused on the cancer taking my life (– well, I did in the very beginning, but not after I started treatment).

Two years ago around this time I was getting all my medical paperwork in order and I was looking for my biopsy and surgical reports from my cancer era so I could send it to my sister who had been diagnosed (November 2010 – we have something even more to celebrate, as she is now 2 year cancer free, too!), but I couldn’t find them anywhere around here. So I called my oncologist and requested for them to fax them to me. They did…. and as I read them over it became perfectly clear as to why I couldn’t find them. I had never seen these reports — and for good reason!

There were 5 things that they tested for in my biopsy. 4 of the 5 of them had this written after them:

Prognosis: Unfavorable

A couple of the values I didn’t recognize, so I looked them up last year (bad move )…..
I mean, I knew I wasn’t hormone receptive (which with breast cancer isn’t good because there isn’t anything they can do to stop it from returning as they can do if you are hormone receptive), and I knew that it was extremely fast growing as my Her2/neu value was the highest it could be: 3+. But one of the things tested for was this cancer marker that determines the likelihood of the cancer returning (the higher the percent the more likely it is to return). High levels of this thing also is a sign that the response to chemotherapy would be poor and because of that long term survival was poor.

My value: 60%…

SIXTY PERCENT!!!!

Dang!! These things literally took my breath away. I literally couldn’t think and could barely breathe after reading them. That was fear. But fear has no victory here!! As I looked to a sovereign, good and loving God, my fear was removed. He has my good at heart – whether I live or die. I can rest knowing He will never do anything to me that isn’t for my good and the good of those around me. There is such peace in knowing that.

But, I have to say, for the first time after looking at those biopsy results last year and understanding how unfavorable my prognosis really was, the word “survivor” does resonate somewhere within me.

By the mercy and grace of God, I have been healed! Sure I had all kinds of treatment, but He ultimately healed me! And only because of that can I call myself a survivor!

¹Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
²Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
³Who pardons all [my] iniquities,
Who heals all [my] diseases;
⁴Who redeems [my] life from the pit,
Who crowns [me] with lovingkindness and compassion;
⁵Who satisfies [my] years with good things,
So that [my] youth is renewed like the eagle.

~Psalm 103:1-5

Now looking back, it seems like a lifetime ago that this all happened. I can think back on it and it doesn’t bring up negative emotions, just thankfulness. The mastectomies never really bothered me in a physical sense. I don’t think about it now even when I look at my reconstructed chest. As I said, I just feel thankful to God and His gracious, merciful hand upon me – for sparing my life in the face of “Prognosis: Unfavorable” – and continuing to keeping me cancer free in light of “60%”.

My family and friends worked overtime to help me, support me, encourage me… with meals and driving me places and taking my children here and there, praying for me and with me, etc etc etc . My mom made several trips down her to help me during each surgery and recovery. It is so humbling and I feel very blessed and loved. God’s grace and mercy held me up through every twist and turn.

Well that’s about it.
~Me

July 17, 2013

MOVING

Hi all.

So Xanga is shutting down…. not so thrilled about that. I was trying to log in and couldn’t, so I thought I had lost all my posts… but I think the xanga server is just overloaded with everyone trying to archive their old posts.

I have another blog that I keep up, mainly for insights into the counseling information I have been learning – some of the posts, however, were duplicates of what I posted over here. However, I will be moving all of my posts I’ve done here slowly to my blogger blog.

Look me up! You can subscribe via RSS feed if you’d like.

http://sunshinedi.blogspot.com/

Hope to see all around!!

~Di

February 28, 2013

Living on the Side of the Mountain…

It’s so interesting to me — how one day you can be on top of the world (on the mountain top) in your relationship with God. You begin to think — how was I ever in the valley? Or even descending into the valley? Then all of a sudden *bam* you’re sliding down the hill for no apparent reason. There hasn’t been a trial (or not one you’ve been fighting through already) – there hasn’t been some conflict or doubt that has arisen – there is no weariness, no temptation overtaking you. Just the feeling of that mountain top closeness fading. And where “last week” you were jumping out of bed to spend time with the Lord, you find that “this week” hours go by in the morning with it barely crossing your mind, and when you finally go sit down, it seems difficult and forced, rather than that peace of abiding joyfully. It seems so easy at those times to let busyness win over sitting and abiding.

In my younger years, I might have mistaken a time like that as God being far from me. I didn’t *feel* the presence of God, so therefore He wasn’t near to me and I had to search for Him – recreate that mountain top feeling. I failed to grasp the concept back then that the Holy Spirit lives IN ME. There’s not too much closer on this earth that God could be to me than that! Not only that but I am UNITED with Christ — that’s a concept that still baffles me joyfully. So whether or not I *feel* His presence, He is ever present in me. And because of my union with Christ, I won’t ever be without Him.

These truths have helped me to dig my heels in while sliding or even just living daily on the side of the mountain – fighting not to let the momentum of the downward slide or the status quo take root in my heart – not listening to lies of God not being near me — from a roaring lion without a bite. Satan loves to pray on my emotions, and what better emotion to try to trip me up with than a feeling of indifference from God.

“… See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are“…”But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

God is not indifferent! He loves me and cares for my every need. So even though some mornings my quiet time seems more like dry toast than a banquet set out before me, and I can wait peacefully through a “dry time” by remembering these truths (and others!) – when I fight to remember that that my feelings don’t dictate who God is to me or my standing in Christ.

December 31, 2012

2012 in Review!

My annual year at a glance… well, maybe more than just a glance…

January started on a high note worshiping with the Olins…

a visit from some Texas friends…

who we unfortunately gave the flu…

Julie memorizing Scripture…



Ellie hanging some Hamboard 10…



Steve and Casey fixing a headlight…



Ellie dancing high above…



getting some bass pointers from Ryan Foglesong….



volunteering at the Worship God Conference here in OC…



and celebrating birthdays….

…Josh 22 and Bob 60!!

February bloomed with Valerie taking a flower arranging class…



and a relationship…



new plates….

a beautiful sunset…

silliness at church….

a newly painted and decorated bathroom….

Valerie teaching at WESPAC…

a graduation from college (yay!) and a party…

Valerie turning 19….

and a birthday party

and a snow day (baby, baby, baby oohhhhhhhhhhh)!

March blew in with 22 years for Steve and I…

with a getaway trip to Carlsbad…

some father-daughter time…

sewing an octopus…

another trip on the hamboard…

Julie turning 17 (and Benji turning 15)…

and a breakfast bible study…

April caught us coloring eggs…

having a grand photo shoot…

taking silly pictures…

sunbathing with the kitty…

becoming a princess…

and Ellie going to the first day of work in her new career…

May found us on a course down the bay…

snacking on yummy food…

Valerie teaching her last HSFM class…

vocal class singing “Behold Our God” for the teacher….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZMOWOCcD-M
<span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;font-size: large"> Ellie turning 21…</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;font-size: large"><img alt="" src="http://x90.xanga.com/c75e117545533284431594/z226944024.jpg" /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;font-size: large"> Julie with happy eyes…</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;font-size: large"><img alt="" src="http://xef.xanga.com/95be156b21d32284431595/z226944025.jpg" /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;font-size: large"> and a solar eclipse.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;font-size: large"><img alt="" src="http://xe8.xanga.com/180e076a41d35284431597/z226944027.jpg" /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center"></div>
<div style="text-align: center"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;font-size: large"> June spouted with a new garden put in by Casey and Ellie…</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;font-size: large"><img alt="" src="http://xd6.xanga.com/f88e316a01d35284431599/z226944029.jpg" /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;font-size: large">Julie playing with rainbow eye shadow (look at those BEAUTIFUL eyes!!!) …</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;font-size: large"><img alt="" src="http://xe2.xanga.com/dc8e377718134284438775/z226950671.jpg" /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;font-size: large"> a visit from a Colorado friend…</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;font-size: large"> <img alt="" src="http://xe4.xanga.com/034f846bc1d33284431606/z226944036.jpg" /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;font-size: large"> putting on the glitz for promotions….</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;font-size: large"><img alt="" src="http://xe8.xanga.com/9da8460a63218284431600/z226944030.jpg" /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;font-size: large"> leading worship at promotions…</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;font-size: large"><img alt="" src="http://xa4.xanga.com/717f647345531284431601/z226944031.jpg" /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,sans-serif;font-size: large">found Grace Bartosch… and family… singing some California Dreamin'….(click on link)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center">https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=415266441851

playing “Sun” for all (that Julie learned by ear)…

   Grace was promoted to 10th grade…

Julie was promoted to 12th…

celebrating 4 months…

seizing a picture perfect moment…

laying in bed recovering from colds…

having a fun date…

attending a wedding shower….

decorating for a wedding…

taking a moment to relax and worship before the big moment…

celebrating with Mr and Mrs Majors….

escaping for a some much needed rest and quiet time up in Crestline…

but not appreciating the wildlife… YIKES!

observing our very silly cat that watches TV…

saying a sad good-bye to the foreign exchange student, Anran from China…

hangin’ at the beach for Surf City Nights…

and our annual counseling conference in Escondido…

July sprung up as Julie was put under (surgery on her hand)…

a post hospital visit from good friends…

celebrating 15 months…

(look at the garden grow!!)…

Gracie celebrating 15 years…

with picnic at sunset atop the hill…

and some yummy dessert at Ruby’s…

Kona joining me for my morning devotion…

a beautiful night at the beach with the youth…

jetting to Reno with Robert

to go see Alex in a show…

hopping in the limo to our final destination…

playing penny slots (Ellie’s first time gambling)…

enjoying the show (Man in the Mirror)

that Alex was in…

camping at Guajome…. camp’s all set up!

singing a duet…

a 10pm visit to the beach to watch the grunion run…

OoOoOooOo… we found one… (there weren’t many)…

camping again, this time in San Onofe…

enjoying the sunset…

exploring the unknown…

Valerie catching some waves with Josh…

and being swept off her feet…

August arrived with a celebration of 6 months…

Ellie purchasing her first car…

Valerie performing Hula at the Orange County Fair…

a reunion with a dear old friend…

Worship in the backyard…

towering sunflowers in the garden!!…

experimenting with colored hair…

finding a cool spot on a hot day… (silly kitty!)…

celebrating another wedding…

playing a few songs…

traveling to Nevada to visit the Nonno and Grandma…

saw the sights…

made some manicotti…

and some homemade raviolli.

September brought lessons on how to paint nails…

dinner with good friends… to say another sad good-bye to our Italy-bound artist…

walking in the rain at retreat…

wedding flowers made for Josh’s sister’s wedding…

and being a bridesmaid in the wedding…

excitedly waiting for the Space Shuttle Endeavor flyover…

…oOoOooOoOoo look at it go!!..

cooking in the kitchen with the Home Ec class…

celebrating my last birthday of my 40′s….

and watching Casey play at the Hurley Back to School concert at the Galaxy.

October floated in on the voices of the youth worship…

fascinated us with God’s creation…

celebrating 55 years with a hummus and wine tasting party…

being joyful in the midst of pain…

Flashmobbing once again…

traveling to San Francisco…

being Ariel, the Little Mermaid, for Halloween…

as well as a lepoard…

and a batterina…

and some heart tests for Ellie.

November popped in as Ellie passed out… (not really, she had blood test and didn’t do very well during it, tho)…

found us watching Pirates 4…

Singing on C-SAT, a non-profit Egyptian-American television network…

studying for a new job….

getting tangled with the Miles kids…

whipping up frosting with Matt…

eating lunch holding hands…

being blessed by Thanksgiving day roses from Julie…

Thanking the Lord with family…

and decking the halls… (before)

(after).

December danced in with joy… Valerie danced in The Gift…

getting the fattest tree EVER…

driving to take Christmas pictures…

and choosing pictures for our Christmas card….

exercising with good friends…

another doctor visit for Ellie…

taking silly pictures at youth group…

and some outside…

were surprised with a trip to Disneyland…

and a very yummy lunch at the Blue Bayou Restaurant…

celebrating Christmas morning with giving and getting and our annual Jesus cake…

eating a yummy Italian feast for Christmas dinner…

rocking out on the bass…

and finally stealing Josh’s camera and taking very silly pictures… ahahaha

Looking forward to what God has in store for us in 2013!!!

December 31, 2011

A goodbye to 2011…

Here is my annual Bartosch good-bye to the year!

January started with laughs…

and screams…

an attempt to fly…

silly times…

helping the down trodden…

and witnessing on the pier.

February came with more laughs…

a snuggle with Ariel…

guitar lessons…

handpicked flowers…

lazy days…

new friends…

Valerie turning 18…

being serenaded by the sisters…

and yucky dissecting…

March found Steve and I celebrating 21 years…

a visit to the Getty….

Julie turning 16…

which she celebrated with her friends…

took some pretty pictures…

had some silly times with good friends…

and Ellie’s first PartyLite show as a consultant…

April came with preparations for graduation…

with a photo shoot by Phoebe…

and a picture chosen for the announcement…

Gracie decided to cut 4 inches off her hair…

Julie took some more pretty pictures….

a trip to Kentucky to visit the Steins…

a date in a gondola with good friends…

enjoying the sunset…

a surprise visit from Florida friends…

some training at work (Julie took over Ellie’s position at Danceworks)…

a panda hat…

and a video on the roof.

In April also, my sweet sister-in-law passed away.

May danced in with the HSFM recital…

the last day of guitar class….

and the last time Ellie and Chapman sang together in the HSFM singing class…

Elizabeth left her teen years….

and had dance party bash….

took some silly pictures….

and some serious ones…

was in full swing as the Angels struck out…

went on a visit to my sister in Idaho for her cancer surgery…

and many days stay in the hospital…

with a joyous reunion when I returned home.

June began with celebrations…

Gracie graduated from 8^th grade…

Valerie graduated from High School…

and a 2^nd monthaversary….

had an awesome water fight…

played some worship tunes…

another shorter haircut for summertime…

an annual camping trip…

an attempt to be the master of disguise…

as well as some impersonations…

and some more serenading…

roasted by the fire…

and had a good night’s sleep in the tent…

and now I have to stop to give some perspective on this picture. Lori and I stopped on the way home to check out a potentially new camping spot on the beach. The kids hurried ahead of us down the path to the beach. It took Lori and I a few minutes to get down there after them. When we got down there we didn’t see them. We figured they took this other steeper path back up. So we headed back up the path we were on when we come around the corner and see the kids making their way down this hill!! They had gone up the steep path and tried to cross over to where we were…. They made it down with not much injury

July started with Grace another year older (14!)…

celebrated with some good friends…

then was surprised with a party…

had some delicious cheese cake…

as well as a bit of a food fight…

smiled with good friends…

and grew a mustache…

injured Val (hurt leg) got a lift from a caring mom (thanks DeeDee!)…

injured Val (cut her elbow open on the surf board) get’s some sympathy from her friend…

also was subjected to painful tests for her head nerve damage… (quite the month for her!)

we celebrated the life of my sister in law…

with a big Memorial at the Rose Center…

some final studying (4 years of Counseling classes) — Here I was on my last book/class…

a trip to the fair for a WESPAC recital of the class Val teaches…

August swelled in with a fun day at the US Open…

captured green eyes on film…

then it was party time….

with party dresses….

attempted some water acrobatics….

had a good time bowling…

a lovely day at the beach…

praising God for His creation…

but for Julie a nasty bee sting…

and a 4th monthaversary.

I have no caption for this one… just thought it was really funny..

September found me certified as a Christian Family Counselor (Yay!)…

Valerie a shark hunter….

and Grace giving Ukulele lessons…

a bit of creative bike riding…

nice evenings around the camp fire…

relaxing with friends…

as well as yummy camp dinners…

we witnessed God’s amazing beauty…

celebrated the Lord with 8 baptisms in our pool…

became a secret agent … trying to find the secret tunnel …

took some more pretty pictures….

even some in black and white…

ate our worries away…

crushed on celebrities….

died hair the color of red velvet cake…

said painful good byes (till next summer) to a very dear friend…

made the BEST video ever!!!

and celebrated 48 years!

October found Julie with the camera once again…

celebrated Steve turning 54…

as well as celebrated all the September birthdays… (Rebecca, Chris, DeeDee & mine)

I made a LOVE video for him of our years together…

got a little help from a little friend…

and dressed up as a panda for Halloween…

and her sister, Ellie….

as well as Peanut Butter and Jelly.

November spun in….

as Julie spun off…

we made a funny spinning video…

played in the rain….

Casey and Ellie made a love cake for Val…

took a trip to Colorado to visit Jessica who shares the same type of nerve damage issues as Valerie…

were bridesmaids in a wedding…

witnessed Hindu Pirates in action (Casey’s band) at the Galaxy…

got a much needed hair cut….

worked for days on Thanksgiving hors d’oeuvres…

as well as made a YUMMY blackberry pie…

danced Thanksgiving day away…

had a GREAT meal with family…

and tried to walk some of it off afterwards…

put up the Christmas lights….

took a photo shoot for the Christmas card…

some silly pictures too…

as well as some with Kona…

and Waikiki…

and celebrated a 7th monthavesary!

December started with a yummy lunch out…

lots of worshiping at the Hillsong’s concert…

which my dear friend purchased as a Christmas present for me quite FABULOUS seats for us both!

took an early morning trip to the tree farm to get our Christmas tree (Not! Home Depot )…

Found the perfect tree…

Decked it out…

Even the Waikiki helped… but wasn’t very happy about it…

had a Christmas get together with good friends…

as well as enjoyed a party with the cousins…

another HSFM recital…

took annual formal pictures…

had our day brightened by sunny flowers (from Casey for Ellie and from Josh for Val)…

cooked an early Christmas breakfast…

sat down to enjoy it…

singing Happy Birthday to our Savior first (we put a candle on for every year we have been a family… forgot to buy candles for the first time in 21 years… so only had 19…. :

the girls enjoyed the new HAMBOARD Christmas gift…

even Steve and I did, too…

finally… celebrated a 8^th monthaversary!

This year had its challenges as well: the passing of my sister-in-law and celebrating the holidays without her, challenges with friends that were very painful, and… Valerie’s nerve pain gave her more bad days than good – which is hard to believe seeing her smile in all these pictures – even at times when her head hurt sooooo bad. We praise God for his peace and his comfort during this painful trial. We also praise Him for the gift of laughter and for the good friends He has given us to make this burden a bit lighter to carry and walk though.

Even so, we prayerfully hope for a less painful tomorrow – a less painful 2012!

November 17, 2011

Sun-Shiny Day

Yesterday was a “stormy” day for me. It was like the challenges I am facing were so huge and I couldn’t see over or past them – they were just overtaking me through the storm. Although nothing has changed today in relation to what the problems are, today it’s like the storm has passed (amazing what fighting and keeping your eye on the Lord and in His Word can accomplish in our hearts by His grace and mercy!). I was reminded of the 1st verse of the song: I Can See Clearly Now — because it’s like I can see now the issues in perspective and they have become smaller (or I have become “bigger” in Christ making them look smaller) – now seeing “all obstacles in my way” and the “dark clouds that had me blind” are removed – and the bright Sun-Shiny Day is here.

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

I really desire to “get” to the second verse and bridge, tho…

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin’ for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there’s nothin’ but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin’ but blue skies

Because although I see things in perspective, the pain and bad feelings are not gone. Looking all around I don’t see “nothin’ but blue skies” – But I know that the Lord is faithful in all that is going on and definitely when my vision is focused forward to Him and trusting Him and clinging to Him that when I “Look straight ahead [toward the hope of heaven there’s], nothin’ but blue skies” in that direction and that gives me hope!! Romans 5:3-5 And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Yay!

I love this picture. It reminds me of what Joy is. It’s like the rain can still be here, but it also can be a bright Sun-Shiny Day and the rain no longer seems overwhelming but a faithful reminder that God is at work…

October 19, 2011

…breathe, just breathe…

Do you ever feel like all the air has been sucked out the room? It’s like you go to take a breathe and there’s just no air?

The last week in particular has been a real struggle for me. Last Wednesday was Valerie’s treatment – 28 injections to her head. The couple of days prior to this she was already doing REALLY bad. Truly, I think there’s little worse than watching one of your children suffer. Not only was it horribly painful for her to go through the injections, but it just exasperated her pain level in general to a new high. When we finally got back home, I was standing in the kitchen and it felt like there wasn’t enough air to breathe. And I have been struggling on and off to “breathe” since. Although the treatment does take up to two weeks to reach full potential, it hasn’t done much so far… and it’s like the clock is just going…

tick……………… tick………………. tick…………………

as we wait to see if it will help any. Really, from everything I read online it does seem very, very promising, but as the days are passing with little to no change, I keep passing by anxiousness and go head-long into the crippling fear of what if — which leads to –> no air. I have to remind myself to stop and

… breathe, just breathe… In God I need not fear: “Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

I’m fighting for sure – a spiritual battle in my head all day long. I was joking with someone last night… I am kind of known for walking right by people not acknowledging them — or saying ‘Hi’ but not really paying attention – to the point where I have had several people now say they don’t think I like them… I’m a “to do” person – task oriented – and I just get in the zone and zone out everyone around me not related to the task at hand. Definitely not one of my better qualities. So I was joking with someone saying, “I’m not ignoring you. It’s just that I’m having a full on battle raging in my head and I can’t hear anything you are saying…”

I joke, but it’s really not funny. The war is raging on.

Sunday I couldn’t even sing the closing song at church: Endless Praises. I should have been rejoicing at the glorious truth of the gospel, but my heart was just so heavy the words wouldn’t even come out — there was no air. I had to remind myself to stop and

… breathe, just breathe… God is near: “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

It’s so exhausting this battle — to try to keep taking all these thoughts captive, to lay things in God’s hands and to let go of trying to fix it (as if I even could!), to keep my mind stayed on what is true, and right, and lovely, to be truly thankful, to bring to mind His faithfulness, to stand firm on the truth of His promises — when I just want to scream or cry — or scream and cry — there is no air! I have to remind myself to stop for a second and

… breathe, just breathe… God hears my prayers: “But truly God has listened; He has attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, because He has not rejected my prayer or removed His steadfast love from me!”

A couple of nights ago there were some young adults here praying for Valerie. My other girls completely fell apart. All of our hearts are so weary watching her suffer. On one hand it is such a blessing to see my children have so much compassion for each other — weep with those who weep kind of thing. On the other hand watching this scene unfold from the couch — no air. I didn’t remind myself to breathe – no, in my exhaustion of just wanting a moment of rest – of someone telling me “the future is going to be ok”, I asked a question of someone — and got an “I don’t know” kind of answer — in my sinful heart I screamed — wrong answer!! It wasn’t the response I wanted to hear — definitely no air – no air at all! The failure at the moment wasn’t that someone didn’t give me the “correct” answer I was looking for and therefore caused “no air” – the failure was mine that I took my eyes off of my Savior and when the idolatress thought didn’t bring me peace the panic that ensued was “definitely no air”.

… breathe, just breathe … a song came to mind that I used to play for my kids at their nap time when they were really little. From the first time I heard this song, Psalm 62 has been my favorite psalm.

Only in God is my soul at rest
In Him comes my salvation
He only is my Rock
My strength and my salvation

My stronghold, my Savior
I shall not be afraid at all
My stronghold, my Savior
I shall not be moved

(here’s a link to the song if you’ve never heard it http://www.worshiptogether.com/songs/songdetail.aspx?iid=554124)

I love this picture of Ellie that Valerie took. To me it like looks like a picture of complete abandon — trusting, hoping, praising —- breathing….

Although I am weary in this battle, I praise God that the truth of His Word grounds me — He is my stronghold — I shall not be afraid — I shall not be moved — all because of my Savior! When my mind is fixed and stayed fast on these truths, I am able to, with complete abandon, breathe….

September 20, 2011

I love this song. It cheers my heart!!!

June 14, 2011

When I’m old and wise…

As far as my eyes can see
There are shadows approaching me
And to those I left behind
I wanted you to know
You’ve always shared my deepest thoughts
You follow where I go

And oh when I’m old and wise
Bitter words mean little to me
Autumn winds will blow right through me
And someday in the mist of time
When they asked me if I knew you
I’d smile and say you were a friend of mine
And the sadness would be lifted from my eyes
Oh when I’m old and wise

As far as my eyes can see
There are shadows surrounding me
And to those I leave behind
I want you all to know
You’ve always shared my darkest hours
I’ll miss you when I go

And oh, when I’m old and wise
Heavy words that tossed and blew me
Like autumn winds that will blow right through me
And someday in the mist of time
When they ask you if you knew me
Remember that you were a friend of mine
As the final curtain falls before my eyes
Oh when I’m old and wise

As far as my eyes can see…….

Have you heard this song? It’s an old song (’80s) by Alan Parsons Project called “Old and Wise“. Interesting the way songs are written. This song is about dying and someone looking back on their life – it’s not a Christian song, but some of it’s points have stuck with me over the years since I first heard it. It’s a kind of haunting song with all the minor chords they play in it — but interestingly enough when it gets to the end of each of the “choruses” on the “Oh when I’m old and wise” part, it changes to a resolving major chords.

I love listening to the melodic progression of chords in songs… this one particularly because although it is sad, it resolves so there’s almost a peace about the going or the thought they are having.

These are great lyrics…

And oh when I’m old and wise
Bitter words mean little to me
Autumn winds will blow right through me

and

And oh, when I’m old and wise
Heavy words that tossed and blew me
Like autumn winds that will blow right through me

Reminds me that things that seem so HUGE now when I look back at them from far in the future will not have the same impact on me. We are so caught up in the moment, so caught up on how people say things to us. It seems such a huge deal at the time. But in the end, there’s only a sad memory of a great friendship that once was, that got messed up along the way somehow. Reminds me of Psalm 103:8 and how we should instead reflect the Lord when we are angry/upset: The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.

For me, it’s not bitter, heavy words that have caused separation in friendships, rather busyness. Everything is so busy, and I’m not able to keep up very well with friendships of those that have moved out of my immediate life circle for one reason or another. I have had some REALLY good friends that have just slipped into a mild oblivion. I say mild because we are friends on FB or we see each other a couple of times a year, or I only get a Christmas card from them… but I still consider them near and dear to my heart. But this thing — busyness — just robs me of being able to connect as I would like. But I’m sure looking back on my life all this busyness in my life now “like autumn winds will blow right through me”… Makes me take a step back and evaluate all I am doing and it’s importance over other things….

I love this….

And someday in the mist of time
When they asked me if I knew you
I’d smile and say you were a friend of mine
And the sadness would be lifted from my eyes

When I hear this I think of a time in the future thinking back on a friendship of someone who has died — like recently my sister-in-law. I would smile and say she was a friend of mine – and the sadness is lifted from my eyes because I think of the fond times we shared and the fact that I will see her again in heaven — where there will be no busyness… or pain or sorrow or dying or arguing, etc etc etc. That truly brings a smile to my face.

And someday in the mist of time
When they ask you if you knew me
Remember that you were a friend of mine

Don’t forget about me, friends…

January 2, 2014

So long 2013…

December 4, 2013

10 Years Cancer Free Today!! CELEBRATE!!

July 17, 2013

MOVING

February 28, 2013

Living on the Side of the Mountain…

December 31, 2012

2012 in Review!

December 31, 2011

A goodbye to 2011…

November 17, 2011

Sun-Shiny Day

October 19, 2011

…breathe, just breathe…

September 20, 2011

June 14, 2011

When I’m old and wise…

JustPassingThruHere

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