| Confessions of a NOT so Drama Queen.
Here I am sitting in the library trying to do my mid-term and listening to Sia's Breath Me and thinking about so many different things. I am sorry if this is repititious but I just need to talk to someone. So I want to give you a little background history: I was born in Ponca City, Oklahoma 21 years ago and lived there most of my life. Since I can even remember I knew there was something different about me. I was teased in grade school for being too girly and having more girl friends than boy friends. I had long eyelashes that made me look like a girl and my mother dressed me nicely which in turn allowed me to become subject to torment. I will never forget the sadness I felt and all the tears I cried because I thought I was no different than anyone else. At the time I didn't know I was gay, but I knew I should not be feeling what I was. Children can be so cruel with the words they say. They are so blunt with there words, of course most of the time it is not intentional for they don't know any better. I had girlfriends and kissed girls but that wasn't good enough for them. Rather than let me be whomever I wanted to they would rather judge me for not conforming to their ways. I believe this stage in my life had a huge impact on me and made me who I am. I cried so much when I was younger because I felt so alone. I had friends and family that cared about me but it was hard to not feel by myself. Then came middle school, I was with my girlfriend of two years when she decided to dump me for another guy. Funny thing was everyone thought he and I looked alike and often got the two of us mixed up. So what was so wrong with me if she dumped me for "my twin". I know now that it was probably something stupid and immature but inevitably it made me put up a guard against anyone who wanted a relationship with me and made me be more selective in future relationships. This also was the beginning of puberty: voice changing, acne developing, hair growing, and more insecurities. I remember being in line for lunch one day with one of my friends (at the time I had acne on my neck and back, gross I know but bear with me) and someone behind me commented about the blemishes on my neck and began to tease me. I just shrugged it off but it cut deep. The whole year was like that. Oh god and then one day I had a zit the size of Texas on my nose, I mean a big bitch. I cried to my mother until she told me I didn't have to go to school. I was terrified of the torment I would get if I showed my face at school. Its really pathetic, but I got through it and made it to high school. The teasing wasn't so bad, but not gone. I just kept to myself and didn't say much at all. I only spoke to someone when they spoke to me first and I never went out of the house. I had the same friends that befriended me in middle school and a few more. I didn't party and had never drank. My junior year I started dating my girlfriend whom I had the longest relationship with. 3 months!!!! Woo! I lost my virginity to her because I thought I was in love. I wasn't at all, just wanted to be like everyone else. I dumped her for a girl I had a crush on that I worked with because I thought I had a chance with her. I didn't and was left alone. Serves me right I know. I learned not to give into temptation so easily because thats all it is, temptation, something you desire that you know is wrong. After that I became somewhat more outgoing and started to party. I had good friends then. They love me for me. The most important thing I could ever ask of someone. I still didn't acknowledge that I was gay but the feelings were stronger. I was repressing it even more now that people were being skeptical. I would go out of my way to do "heterosexual" things so people wouldn't suspect me. Like making out with girls I didn't know. That is so NOT like me by the way. I also met my extremely close friend that I adore so much Kayla. She was a blunt ass bitch and told people how it was. She has made me so strong. I thank her for it. I owe her my life because she would give hers for me (and almost did once but thats another story). After graduating I went to NOC to start my college career. There I met the most awesome people I have ever met in my life and had the best time. Such good times with my friends. There I smoked marijuanna for the first time (and only two times after that), learned how to bong a beer, and partied every week. I had changed myself so much that it was almost impossible for anyone to know my secret. That year though I was with my roommate Lacy and we got drunk together. We were laying in bed talking and I began to cry and told her the truth about me. It felt sooooo good. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Slowly (and I mean slowly) I began to tell more of my friends. They all still loved me regardless. That was such a good feeling. The hardest part was telling my parents. I had already moved here to Edmond and was doing well. I wanted to get it off my chest once and for all. I told my mother first. She said they both knew but they were just waiting for me to tell them. There were tears shed and hugs but one thing I will never forget what she says to me as she's crying. "It just hurts me because you won't be able to give me grand-children. I know you would be such a great dad." Wow! I felt complimented yet insulted at the same time. It is a childs goal in life to gain the approval from their parents. I took what she said as a compliment because my mother rarely says things like that. I was excited for her to say I would be a good dad, but also enraged for the former statement. Here I am putting my biggest secret out on the table, exposing me to be naked, and she makes a selfish comment like that. As if I hadn't felt like a failure to her already. Quickly the conversation kind of just ended. Later that night my dad came into my old room and started preaching to me about how I was wrong and that its not God's plan for me. Blah Blah Blah! How the hell is he supposed to know what the plan for me is. We yelled back and forth and I told him I fucking hated him and that I wouldn't ever care to talk to him again. That conversation ended with me going to bed in tears. Ever since then it is a sore topic that none of us tries to bring up. It's just not accepted as reality to them. Meanwhile in Edmond, I get a boyfriend!! Yay! I will leave that story for another time too, but stay tuned cuz its cute. Anyways Anthony is my rock! I love him so much, I really could not function without him!
Now that you know the truth of my so called life :) , I will get to the subject that made me write this somewhat depressing entry. People have been so quick to point out my flaws, both physical and mental, and post it all over there boring lives as if they are so intrigued with my "meaningless existence". Telling me I am conceited and arrogant. That "if you are going to act the part you need to look the part". And how if everyone thinks this about me then there must be something wrong with me. Wow, kinda hurtful don't you think. I'm not gonna say I didn't retaliate with some hurtful defensive words, but it really hurt my feelings. First of all these people don't even know me. But I guess they know enough to point there almighty judging finger! I know I am different than them. I don't have the materialistic idols that they have. I value friendship over money. I enjoy conversations that are between more than one person. The most hurtful thing that these people said was an attack on my character. You can call me any name you want, spit at my feet even. But don't tell me there is something wrong with my character. Who I am has been cultivated through these previous events I have shared. I am proud of my character damnit! I care so much for people and there well being that it makes onlookers sick. I give not to recieve but to make others comfortable. That is my role in life. I am on this planet to make life for others more pleasing and easier to get through. No pain where it isn't needed. Yes I have flaws, we ALL do. Why must you point them out to me! I am well aware of them. And if you do, tell them to my face not on your computer journal! Be mature about it. Since grade school and all the way through high school and college I have changed dramatically. Some even say I am not the same person. My look is different and so is my personality. I am still shy around those I do not know. But I am proud of the way I look. People comment me and tell me I have pretty hair or that I should be a model. In return I thank them. How is that conceited or arrogant. Maybe if I told them I already new that or just ignored it, but that is rude. I would never do such a thing. I admit I am somewhat vain, but why the hell not! I deserve some vanity, we all do. I have come a long way from the nerdy acne faced boy in Ponca. And if you people think being proud of every aspect of my existence is wrong then fuck you all!!! I don't care, it is my life. I am where I want to be in my life and no names called nor insults will bring me down. I love life, I love being happy, and I love me!!!!! |
