| so about life in general (just in case it's not already known this has neither a pesimistic or optomistic viewpoint or inspiration)
just life-what's going on. I'm not going to lie "the future freaks me out" but it really does. not thinking far into the future because i ultimately know that is already fine by me, but i'm really worrying about people in my future. I want to be stong and omit the problem before i have to feel it, however not only is it the most completely ridiculous option but i couldn't do that even if i had the courage. it's ridiculous.
but that doesn't mean these worries and anxietys don't take place or don't exist
so what do i do? He's in a bad place as well and god knows i don't want to make him think twice about his disicions
UGHHH this is what makes me want to stop everything so i won't have to think about it
but neither of us can do that. Honestly i think this problem is more obvious than it is to him which makes me feel stupid. not going to lie. whatever- I don't know anything. |
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| so last night was probably one of the most stressful and saddening nights ever. (just because of squo situation and stableness of my family and I's relationship) Yet it was probably one of the most amazing/crazy / most fun nights i've had in a while, i felt so loved.
I have an amazing boyfriend! I really do. He is the only guy i've actually met that wants to know me in and out and i so don't give him enough cred
and i so wouldn't tell him this, but no- everyone in edmond (or at least the residents of legacy woods and all of 2nd street etc) had absolutely no power which of course opens up a space to start the rev and deconstruct capitalism right? ha. Between the fire, having no electricity, my absolut vodka in the pretty new years bottle, and a few shots of captain morgans, Last night brought everyone a lot closer and it was so much fun.
Those are the friends i Love.
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| have you ever just felt like you don't know what the hell is going on? Okay, Cliche question. Obviously-yes. But then comes the question with my customized, believe me it's customized, situation. I hate everyone, I really do. I hate the way people around me/ in my school/ etc. always say something without any qualified justification to back it up. (whether its common knowledge or a political view, or something they think about other people) Honestly, I hate my parents. I hate the way they view me, I don't like the way they talk to me, I don't like their outlook on my life and the people in it. I hate my friends, i hate the way they don't truely know me and I'm starting to realize no one really does. And the worst thing of all, the most horrible thing I could think is that i hate my brother. I don't know if its my bad pesimistic attitude or if I'm just really scarred but I am so fucked up in the head. I hate holding things in, I hate never having some outlet while at the same time it feels like pressure for me to keep up and do things and make a certain appearance and act a certain way. And when I truely am sad, no one cares to ask why. Not that I need it, it just would be nice to really find someone who knew me somewhat and I could relate to.
While all of this going on i feel like I'm standing in this non-movement stance of not being happy, of being miserable, of faking happy just to forget how much i really feel lost. But no one looks up |
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| wow. how much is different since i last posted something
i'm growing up and i know it. wow how the so called "consistent enviroment" has changed
all the irritating/confusing thoughts have moved on to a different level. AND guess what? It has lead to MORE confusing thoughts about this same situation
everything i didn't know i now know, well kind of.
Only the wierd thing is i still don't know where the future lies or where i stand
I know how things are i just don't know where they will be
I'm happy, I am
i swear
I'm just indifferent about what will actually happen from here
hopefully it's good.
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