Kamp_07's Xanga Site

Thursday, June 05, 2008

writing

i need to write something. i am bloody tired of being a writer who does not write.

part of the problem was lack of personal space. not enough room that could actually be claimed as mine alone. so i finally have my own bedroom. the master bedroom. the largest bedroom. and you would think that it was big enough for me to finally settle and think. except for the lack of personal space.

people enter my room with barely a knock. i share some space with my twin. not a problem. pretty much the closet and the bathroom. but then also my computer, since she lacks one. (which then becomes a contributing factor to my procrastination). and her entrance to my domain can annoy, but does not always. at least when she enters, her silence or monotonous ramble does not disrupt whatever peace i have wrangled for myself.

rhaziel enters my room unbidden. not so much as before. he no longer sees it as his duty to make sure that i am awake when he wants me to be. (thank the goddess). but he and the other will often come in when they think i am being too anti-social, or when they themselves are lonely. which is counter-productive. them being there makes me watch their every move and calculate just how much of my personal space has been violated. and then they always want to know what i am doing. continuous questioning of "please interact with me so that i won't have to interact elsewhere". perhaps, that is mean. perhaps, it is true. perhaps, it is not. i suppose i confuse them.

i hate looking unproductive in front of others. but the things on which i wish to be productive are far too personal for the oh-so-casual eyes of the other, or the ever-curious-and-purposefully-misunderstanding eyes of he.

then there is the dog. the damn dog. g2 is a dumpster dog, a rescue dog, the failed bonding experience and the newest act of contention within the house. he follows me everywhere. drove me insane the first week he was here. spends his time in my room or in his crate. we keep the doors open and let him run around between the open bedrooms and the living room. invariably, he is often found in my room. on his little blanket that i gave him. while i am across the room working on something else. which is then another excuse for unwanted persons to walk into my room to play with the dog. and then when i close my door to keep him out, to force him to play with the others, i get accused of being anti-social. yes, either an anti-social person in need of unnecessary (and unwanted) hugging, or a dog hog who monopolizes a dog i barely pay attention to, but always remember to walk and feed on time. love is discipline and routine. he "loves" me above all others because i will take him out, walk him around the block, feed him when he is hungry, provide fresh water, deign to provide him some small part of my affection. oh, and i am the only one (i believe) whose punishments are constant, and usually a lot harsher than the "ouch! bad dog. let me put you to bed while i disinfect my hand" punishments of the others. not so much now. they have gotten better at disciplining the 25 lbs., sharp-toothed puppy with which we ended up.

but yeah, he is a bastard who took up space in my territory. i do not mind him so much as i mind the others who invariably follow him and touch the things which i have not designated as theirs. g2 has a 2x3 foot space where his blanket is laid, where he brings his toys, sleeps, and makes a mess. all confined to 2x3 feet of space in my room. the others like to touch, walk, sit, lie down in sections that clearly scream my name. and yes, i have to constantly remind myself not to scream at people for wanting my attention/affection and daring to make the mistake of moving outside their designated space.

my neurotic fixations worry me sometimes. so i hold back because of the completely illogical reasons behind them. it is not right to break a person's fingers for touching my laptop. it is not right to gouge out someone's eyes for sitting on my bed.

i suppose i have control issues. i have a lot of issues. and i hold back because they make no sense. so people think i am sweet because i smiled politely, instead of wrapping my deft fingers around their throat and squeezing.
roadblock

i think i use my writer's block as an excuse. truth be told, i suppose it is lack of discipline.

i am trying to find something stable in my life and am failing. i want more than i believe that i am capable of. so i hesitate. i falter. i fall. and i can only blame myself.

procrastination is evidence of fear. fear of failure. fear of success. i have lost touch with the world. and i hesitate to react for fear that my response may be correct. or incorrect.

i hate the way they perceive me. they act as if they know me, but they do not. they simply refuse me the chance to express myself. and while i stand in shocked laughter of what they perceive, i allow them to continue to perceive. and doing so, lose my opportunity at correction.

i seek renewal. a new beginning. somewhere where i can say "shut up a minute. you do not know me. i was silent because you made me speechless. and now that i speak, you wonder at the seeming illusion. you do not know me. and you refuse to acknowledge that i am more than what you still believe."

my twin is the only one who knows me. everyone else seems to have assumed their own conclusion and misinterpreted the raised eyebrow of incredulity. they lack perspective. and i wonder if that is my fault. for standing stunned, when i should have been laughing out loud. they misinterpret my intentions. they misinterpret my silence. they think my truth lies. they think my opinions laughing. they think my silence innocent.

i did not speak for a day. i did not respond for an hour. i did not react for a minute.

and everything that comes after is suddenly an anomaly.

how do you correct a first impression?

Thursday, May 22, 2008

death note

the premiere...

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

new word: cambrian

so i have this hentai titled "cambrian". had no idea if it was a real word or anything. thought it was a random japanese word. never really thought about it.

my roommate bought the tremors movie series (collection). i thought that i had seen all of them, except for the last one (the prequel). so i started watching them backwards because i was bored. well, i was being productive, but needed some background noise.

tremors 2: back to perfection. apparently, i hadn't seen it before. but now, it's my favorite one out of the four. anyway. scientist lady has a fossil and realizes thatit belongs to a graboid. she gets excited and starts babbling about how it was pre-cambrian, before the dinosaurs.

and then it clicked: "cambrian".

apparently, it is a word. and not just a random word in a different language.

cambrian: (geology) noting or pertaining to a period of the Paleozoic Era, occurring from 570 million to 500 million years ago, when algae and marine invertebrates were the predominant form of life.

lol. it also means welsh, or welshman. as in, from Cambria.

anyway. the hentai. not really sure how i feel about it. sometimes i just download things out of boredom. it is a rape hentai. the main character is female and is raped several times. i don't like rape anime unless it's pretty and gay. pretty rape is just fantasy rape, aka rough sex between people with issues. and homosexual rape fantasies because it removes the whole "women as the weaker sex and therefore should be considered prey". and in all of this "idealistic" fantasy rape, it's really about two people wanting each other, but social convention makes them hate what they're about to do. yeah, emotional baggage.

i don't like "realistic" rape where whomever it is, is left bleeding and broken in an alley and no one takes care of them after. i don't like rape that isn't consenual, which isn't rape by definition, but that's just me.

which brings me to animated porn. why do i like animated porn? why do i get off on it? what's wrong with the real stuff? because animated porn isn't real. i can watch a graphic sex scene and see it as pretty. whereas, a live action version would be very messy. animated, anything is possible. live action, and there's a whole lot of things that need to be considered. animated clips get straight to the point. live action clips and you wonder if any of it was consenual, or if you just saw the worst moment of someone's life.

real sex doesn't scare me. live action sex scenes are not verifiable. animated sex scenes are obviously not real, and therefore, guilt-free.

what was i talking about?

oh, yeah. "cambrian". anyway. the summary is that some mad scientist decided to make the perfect superhuman by infecting others (through rape) with cambrian genes. the main female character was raped as a student, as well as an adult. she idolizes her professor until he goes all tentacle monster and rapes her, thus, infecting her with the cambrian genes. she is again raped, but is able to take her revenge by, not becoming a tentacle monster, but becoming a buxom blonde with prehistoric features, who can grow bone appendages that can be used as weapons against her violator.

so. you can either see this hentai as a woman who is brutally raped several times. or you can see it as a woman who was victimized, and is now able to take revenge by turning her sex against them.

so, i don't really know if i like it or not. there is a consenual tentacle monster scene. two actually. though, one has a male tentacle monster and the other has a female one. and i can't imagine anyone, meaning male, who would enjoy the last rape scene. because jilted tentacle monster gets raped right back by angry bone armor lady. (just think of a male having a catheter inserted into his penis. but instead of a plastic tube, imagine a long bone spike. though, i imagine some people are really into the hardcore stuff like that. i mean, it does exist.)

anyway. new word. animated sex. fantasy rape. and hardcore male insertion fetish.