Desolation

I cry silent tears.  I cry in my sleep.  I cry in my dreams.  I cry inside staring blankly at nothing.  I cry desperately muffling my face into my pillow, soffocating my sobs, hoping it can soak up my sadness. I cannot cry out loud.  I cannot tell you I cry.  I cannot hold you and cry.  I cannot even bring myself to tell you that I'm not happy.  I'm not supposed to cry.  I'm supposed to be happy.  I'm supposed to be grateful.  I'm supposed to feel fortunate.  I'm supposed to feel loved.  I feel that somehow I cause pain.  I feel guilty.  I feel somehow, without doing anything, without saying anything, I am causing pain.  I feel my existence causes pain.  I watch the walls crumble before me but I am helpless to stop it's inevitable collapse.  I feel that this is somehow all my fault.  I feel this is somehow all your fault.  This vicious cycle running in my head, invading my thoughts, eating me up inside.  I feel that I am broken.  I feel I cannot be fixed.  I feel I cannot be loved.  I feel I cannot love.  I feel I cannot live on; but I know I cannot die.  I feel I do not need anyone.  I feel no one needs me.  I feel that no one will ever look at me and see me.  I feel that you never see me.  I feel I need to be strong, but I've always been fragile.  I wished you never tell me things.  Because you are slowly knocking down my last barrier.  Because the only way I can be normal is to not be conscious of all this; to be ignorant.  This is why...........I cannot cry..........