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KaoruNiikura
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Name: Lorena... or Kaoru
Country: Spain
Metro: Madrid
Birthday: 7/22/1980
Interests: Loving my Eddie | Reading | Writing | Listening to music and to people | Staring in silence people going by, the sky, or whatever catches my eye in that moment | Going to the cinema | Going to concerts | Watch asian films with my hubby | Manga | Anime | Jrock/pop | Videogames | Collecting cell phones and a lot things that should be better in the trash can | Being huged and kissed | THINKING
Expertise: ...i don't really know if I'm expert on something, if so... maybe learning languages, cooking, memorize useless things... and being the most stupid girl in this world... (the last one should be in bold)
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
MSN: kaoruniikura@hotmail.com
Yahoo:  kaoru_chan22@yahoo.es
Member Since:
11/19/2003
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| And mine will no longer be the sweetest, most beautiful eyes you've ever seenHot Kiss, won't you tell me what you miss, boy?
My Love, you got me spinning like a wound-up toy
Hot Kiss, won't you tell me what you miss, boy?
My Love, you got me spinning like a wound-up toy
Oh, father! I pray to thee!
I gotta man so blind I can't see
I'm his favourite toy
Like a beach ball
Play me up and down
and throw me 'gainst the wall
"Oh, Tallulah", he said
"You're so dramatic
"What's all that shakin' goin' on in your attic?"
Hot Kiss, won't you tell me what you miss, boy?
Hey Love, you got me spinning like a wound-up toy
Hot Kiss, won't you tell me what you miss, boy?
Hey Love, you got me spinning like a wound-up toy
You can't knock it, or rock it, or be-bop it
It's a itch you can't scratch
Nothing's gonna stop it
I'm a cheater, so ravenous
Waitin' on my man and his one hot kiss
I'm on the prowl, sent my thunder
Hour after hour, break this spell I'm under
Hot Kiss, won't you tell me what you miss, boy?
Hey Love, you got me spinning like a wound-up toy
Hot Kiss, won't you tell me what you miss, boy?
Hey Love, you got me spinning like a wound-up toy
All my life
I've searched for you
All my life...
All my life
I was searching for you
Spinnin' round the room
I can't sleep
Oh, your little girl wants to fffffff...!
Juliette and The Licks - Hot Kiss
This is the end.
The fake date made me think and it's funny:
11-1-2008 --> 11-1 = 2+0+0+8... 11+1+2+0+0+8 =22
I
didn't think it before. I just chose it because he wouldn't be here.
And Friday seemed to be a good day (I didn't want to spot the real
one...)
So: 21 January 2008 = 150 days = 5 months in exchange of 5
years... And that's it. I tried (again) although many of you don't
think so... I tried to be just a friend who needed help, but I didn't
receive what I expected... Fear is a great thing, but when you are
tired of facing it...you let it take control, I did, and you are doing
it. You are afraid of the only thing that makes you human...thinking.
Your behaviour reminds me of the Fall Ball back at Tufts... all my
partners in crime (aka europeans+hongkonese tufts friends) thought the
same as me: they were caged animals being freed for the first time...
it was so disgusting seeing those kids drunk and high and in need of
sex... We felt like we were old people looking at the youth... but it's
just we were different, we weren't like those who go partying as a way
of life every single day and need to get drunk and go out every single
night... There are funnier ways to be happy.
By the way... who
are you cheating or cheating on? The first one I can't imagine you
doing it (well, I couldn't imagine you doing lots of things you've done
^^ [and I mean the costume and those things...])... and the second one neither, since you are happy and single...
you have nobody to cheat on... unless you're cheating on yourself and you've just realized. If that's
the case, congratulations ^^. At least, you won't lie to you anymore,
ne? And I'm the one bleeding and dying ;) you know.
And still you don't understand I won't be here when you'll return...
So, those photos were the last ones of Nezumi... I hope she'll live
long enough to fulfill her cat dreams...
You don't have anything to share about what I sent, what was said..., that's OK... I
didn't expect anything from you, I don't expect anything from you since
you turned your back on me.
Thanks for watching my own special drama.
Bye.
13+12+2002 = 29 = 11 = 2 ; 17 + 07 + 2003 = 29 = 11 = 2 ; 10 + 11 + 2006 = 29 = 11 = 2 ; 12 + 10 + 2007 = 31 = 4 ???? This date just doesn't make sense... at all. So painful.
I tried to mastermind it
By saying let it be
But everytime I did it
The hurt came back at me
I told you that I need you
A thousand times and why
I played the fool for you
And still you said goodbye
He's Out Of My Life
He's Out Of My Life
And I Don't Know Whether To Laugh Or Cry
I Don't Know Whether To Live Or Die
And It Cuts Like A Knife
He's Out Of My Life
It's Out Of My Hands
It's Out Of My Hands
To Think For Five Years He Was Here
And I Took Him For Granted, We Were So Arrogant
Now The Way That It Stands
He's Out Of My Hands
So I've Learned That Love's Not Possession
And I've Learned That Love Won't Wait
Now He's Must Learned That Love Needs Expression
But He Learned Too Late
He's Out Of My Life
He's Out Of My Life
Damned Indecision And Cursed Pride
Kept His Love For Me Locked Deep Inside
And It Cuts Like A Knife
He's Out Of My Life
Do you remember when we fell in love?
We were young and innocent then
Do you remember how it all began?
It just seemed like heaven. So why did it end?
Do you remember back in the fall
We'd be together all day long
Do you remember us holding hands?
In each others eyes we would stare
Do you remember the time when we fell in love?
Do you remember the time when we first met?
Do you remember the time when we fell in love?
Do you remember the time?
Do you remember how we used to talk?
We would stay on the phone (IRC) at night till dawn
Do you remember all the things we said?
Like "I love you so", "I'll never let you go"
Do you remember back in the spring
Every morning birds would sing
Do you remember those special times?
They'll just go on and on in the back of my mind
Remember the times on the phone you and me
Remember the times till dawn, two or three
What about us?
Remember the times in the park, on the beach
Remember the times you and me in Spain
Remember the times...
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| Yeah, welcome to heavenI never needed your money, your help... I just needed you around. Kind, caring.
I have bruises all over my body (I'm not going to talk about my heart and soul and mind), I can't move my right wrist and is as huge as my legs (lots).
I cannot move or walk properly.
I have photos, just in case.
I don't know what will happen with me.
I just don't care anymore.
I don't want to finish the story.
Not writing.
Bye.
See you in the next life. I hope it won't give me so much scars (physical and mental and senti-mental ones)... I don't want to learn that kind of life again.
*Ignorance is bliss*
I need to be free.
I need to delete my existence.
I.am.not.
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| Kimi ni aitakuteI want to see you, I want to see you more than anyone
Once more, I want you to hold my hand
I'm looking for vestages of your presence still left over in this room
If I close my eyes, even now, I can almost feel you next to me
I always took it for granted
Even though I knew that we would part
I want to see you I want to see you more than anyone
I simply cannot forget about you
I cannot see you I've hurt you so many times, but
Once more, I want you to hold my hand
The moment we met, I fell in love and without thinking, I hugged you
You laughed at me and said "You silly" and gently kissed me...
From the time they meet until the time they part
No one realizes true love
I want to see you I want to see you more than anyone
The first time I met you underneath the starry sky
I want to tell you about the feelings that haven't reached you
My heart is still searching for you
I always took it for granted
Even though I knew that we would part
I want to see you I want to see you more than anyone
I simply cannot forget about you
If it's for you. Yes, if it's for you...
Once more, I want you to hold my hand
Your hand held in mine was always warm
Gackt
How come you wouldn't know? I was telling you about how I felt in that house for this couple of months, I told you many many times before, before you left me. I sent you an email, I asked you to take me away, to let me enter your bubble... your world, how come you didn't know what will happen????
I'm at my faculty now, using the internet here to try and search for a room. But everything is expensive, and I won't have money until the end of the month, so nobody will rent me a room until february at least... I thought I could, but I can't. I tried (again) to do things for you: tidy up my room, go to work... I even wanted to disappear so I cannot hurt you anymore (but I'll never hurt as much as you do). And you crossed beyond the limits, you talked with them... You opened Pandora's box. Now they blame you when it's all their fault. It's always been. My lower jaw hurts and a have a couple of bumps in my head, my neck hurts also a little bit but I think (he grabbed me there and put my face to the ground so I couldn't move, but I moved) I don't have any bruise... only in the right knee.
Last night they insulted you,when you were trying what you thought would be fine: they are not your parents! And never will. I told you, you were the one to help me but you wouldn't back in September, and even now. And after trying and trying... you offer your help too late. I was begging, I was on my damned knees... but until things happen you don't realize (that's something you told me back in November, remember? yes, that time when you also told me to wait for you). And now I think those text messages were only to try to comfort me, thinking I would do something irreversible... How can I be the most important person in your life or how can you say you cannot think of ever talk to me again... when you do those things to me and treat me that way? When you say you love me, yet you won't be my hubby anymore? I just don't get it, and neither of my friends or yours... Everyone says you are being very bad with me, and still I tell them I love you and I don't think you really want to hurt me. They tell me to forget about you, that you don't deserve my love or that you are very selfish trying to make me wait months and months until you get tired of that new world... and still I let you be that selfish. Did you read again the letter inside the Dolls dvd? How could you forget that? And when I try to get away, to separate myself from you, to avoid hurting myself and hurting you with my needy feelings... you pull me back saying sweet things... I can't take it. It's not fair. I just want you to be happy, and if you can't be happy with me anymore... I just want to disappear because I never liked to beg, you know it: I never say I'm sorry or that I was wrong... And now I can't do anything more... You said in that letter that you were very glad I was always able to forgive your childish attitude towards some things... and that you hoped I would always forgive you, because you weren't nice to me always and that you hoped not that I forgive you but to never need my forgiveness... And you know I will. And that's also not fair.
And now, I'm so so so tired... you wouldn't imagine. You were really my all, my salvation, it was only you who kept me from what happened yesterday, who kept me from what will happen. It was for you I could endure living with those two people... as long as I had you at the end of my day, at the end of the road... to live together again. And now... it's too late for me. You said I wished you the worst of luck... you're wrong, I wished you to never exit that world, that bubble. My wish was for you to live as you are living and never be conscious of anything: ignorance is bliss.
Two more days. I need it to be over.
Fuan no yoru wa...
Kore kara mou zutto futari de
Kono mune ni tsuyoku dakishimete
Omoi wa kawaranai
Anata hitotsu dake no aishiteru
Hitotsu dake... aishiteru
#2
VAST - You're pretty when you cry
You hurt me baby
I hurt you baby
(How can you do this to me now?)
(How can you do this to me now?)
If you knew how much I love you, you would run away
(How can you do this to me now?)
But when I treat you bad it always makes you want to stay
(How can you do this to me now?)
I didn't want to hurt you baby
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| Great - Make your own kind of music... I will make mine, my way
But you've gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sing along.
So if you cannot take my hand,
and if you must be goin',
I will understand.
You're gonna be knowing
the loneliest kind of lonely.
It may be rough goin',
just to do your thing's
the hardest thing to do.
And my music will be like a symphonic orquestra. Just beautiful.
The final scenario is set. I will never go like that. I'm (unfortunately) too smart. He hates me, and that's how it should be. Because it cannot be the way it used to... because now he's found a new world with no room for me in it.
I will finish what I started. Stay tuned, at least until next Friday.
I wonder why he entered my MSN this morning... well, it won't matter anymore, that account will be no longer mine... It will die as his feelings for me. It's funy how I played with him to give him that contact information, but just because I hated everyone I had in there... but after everyone left IRC as a desert, I had no choice. But he was the only person I eagerly waited to be online. And I waited in September... and waited and waited and that was the most horrible pain: knowing you're alone... and the only person to make you feel where you belong... just prefers to have fun of their own.
And I was the one who hurt him. Or that he says. But when I was saying "go to hell" I never ran to another man's arms (lips or penis). And when he tried to make things right, I never received his text messages while fondling another man or kissing him.
(Do you just realize how much that hurts? After you told me to wait for you... after 7 days of telling me that, you were kissing her and you want me to skip that just because? Just because if you think about it you feel guilty? No, I'm not trying to make you feel that way... you are guilty. I was sending my heart at you every single day just to receive that kind of disdain. I hope you never feel that much hurt inside... and now you tell me I'm the most important person in your life and you cannot bear the thought of not talking to me again???? Excuse me? How much should I bend and break? How much? Isn't it enough for you? Well I'm completely broken now, I cannot do more. I forgave the unforgivable [for you] twice in different ways... and for me the 3rd one counts as well because you did it knowing you were hurting me, you could have waited until I'm dead or at least a couple of months.)
Funny is how I always despise sex and just two nights ago I dreamt of him and me... kissing, making love... it was so sweet... When I woke up I was frankly aroused but the worst part of it is that never after doing it with him have I cried (not even in dreams) as I cried the day before yesterday when I realized it was all a stupid dream and that I could never feel that way again (because he won't touch me again and if he wanted to... I wouldn't be able to stand the touch of his hands anymore... not his lips, not even any other part of his skin... and still, I do love him with all my heart).
#3
So... you can read about that time in here. At least the feelings... She wasn't allowed to suffer, so when she was avoiding him for 1 week he decided he couldn't be avoided and that he didn't want to be with her. Great, huh? So she was suffering a whole month because he couldn't wait, but she can... yes, she is the more patient woman in this world, although you wouldn't think that . As he said "I hope you can always forgive me, although I don't want you to need to do that"... Well, everyone lies, as Dr. House would say, right?
So, he came and said he loved her and she accepted him back with no more questions and with no bad feelings (against him at least). But he started to be too proud about it, too sure about her love... that she wasn't sure anymore about his, and that hurt a lot. But he wouldn't notice although she said it... He promised her the moon, they always do, and she believed he was different, that he really wanted to protect her and not to hurt her ever again. She was happy seeing she made him happy again. All was perfect again. She wanted to go for a trip to Sweden (again) but he refused to skip a couple of classes, so she forced herself to schedule the travel to the week after with no problems to skip a whole week (instead of 3 days). Result: they couldn't go because she had an appointment after her operation (that and he was very mean to her so she was upset and felt like crap: since the operation she needed confirmation of her "attractiveness" [if any] in addition to confirmation of his love, she couldn't help it). So she re-scheduled for August (with more complaints on his part, after she had to pay for the initial trip [30€ each = 60€], the change [100€ each = 200€], the hotels [100 + 70 + 120 = 290€], but she told him nothing).
She went to Japan, wishing to have him by her side, then to London, which she enjoyed for the second time but not as much as the first one... Then to Sweden. And we're reaching the end of the story.
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| White poem - Blank mindI ... I feel so blue ...
I ... I feel so blue... in this white poem.
I feel so blue.
I feel so blue... in this white poem.
I... Tell me why, tell me why, tell me why, the wind is so cold.
Take
my heart.
Make things right.
Love ... love will find a way.
This is the line you used to love.
This is the line you used to love.
I ... I feel so blue...
Tell me why, tell me why, tell me why, I feel so blue ...
Tell me why, tell me why I love you.
My love for you would break my heart.
No no no ...
No way to change my heart
I still wanna be in this endless blue verse...
This is the line you used to love ...
love will find a way.
This is the line you used to love.
Do you still believe that?
While I'm away... Read this line again. Yoshiki
No news whatsoever. I don't want to talk, I just want to fade away. I just don't understand some things, how the biggest of all cannot be remembered, and someone can only focus in something so small it shouldn't matter. Because I can take the big picture and it's great, and I can take also the small details... and although some of them aren't that good at all... they don't matter to me.
Nine days. Too much thinking. Too much crying, but never enough it seems. Too much of everything but what I really like to have even a tiny little bit.
I don't want this life, give me another one! I'm tired of being born trying. I tried to be born after 10 months in my mother's womb (or maybe I didn't want to come out knowing how my life will be), I tried not to listen to unpleasant things, I tried to be a good daughter in case everything was my fault, I tried to be a good cousin since I have no siblings, I tried to be a good student so everyone could be proud of me, I tried to be a good person, a good woman, I tried to be calm and cool about something really bad, I tried to pretend that I am strong when I am not, I tried to make only good things... I tried to speak but I couldn't, so I shouted and that's breaking the rules, so I don't deserve another chance. I have to pretend to be strong all my life, I cannot have a tough time, I'm not allowed to suffer or to be weak or needy or to just want you to hear me. Or love me.
"This isn't how I go" - Edward Bloom (Big Fish)
#12, #11, #10, #9, #8, #7, #6, #5 & #4
Since she didn't have much time, he was the one who should come up more frequently. She loves Madrid, and she rather stay in this city, but also she preferred to be alone with him in a home of their own. That winter they went to London. First time. They both fell in love with the city and with each other again... They say that's the key to a strong relationship "falling in love with the other over and over again". Like an addiction, so sweet. It wasn't easy because she wanted to go to Sweden but he refused saying he had to study and all that. Then, they spent Christmas and New Year's in Madrid. It wasn't a lot of fun, but they were together (she had to work, no holidays), for all that matters.
The year went by... she finally started to work at the airport (for Starbucks too) after many new shops opened and many shifts changed. She likes the airport thing, and since she was there she received lots of offers from everywhere, but now she wanted to focus on her studies, seeing this job as means not an end... and thinking that later she will switch to a really good job doing what she really really liked with much free time to spend with him. So, although this job kept them apart more than ever, she was fighting to finish that degree just right. That spring he started sending her letters. He was really really sweet. And that's what she needed that time. Because maybe unconsciously he realized what she has realized before, and now.
His letters couldn't be more loving, affectionate and true. He wrote about his days, his classes... and his love for her. And she fell in love even deeply and started to truly believe that finally she could be happy. The distance was never a problem, or at least it seemed so.
That summer he came back to Madrid since she was injured and couldn't left the city just in case. She was off work, but she didn't expect it to last that much (even today her foot hurts). And also the other option that was going to his hometown wasn't as funny as the big city. For the first time, he agreed to buy a swimsuit and went with her twice to the pool. In July she took a course in teaching spanish to foreigners, her cousin paid a visit. He learned how much similar they are in behaviour and so... He bought for her birthday the new edition of Trivial Pursuit (since the one she had was 15 years old and they were palying almost every day)... they had fun with the game. He came with Konomi (little flea) and she was really bad indoors... she would pee every single inch of this room, but she was loved and Nezumi and her made good friends/siblings (since they are our daughters). Konomi escaped the room to the neighbour's yard, where she was unreachable and they had to wait for her to come back... after she had sex with a cat ¬¬ and the neighbours came back from holidays... Lorena was the one to pick Konomi up... and she received many scratches as "thank you" from her. Eddie wanted to beat the cat up, but she wouldn't let him do it. She argue the cat was afraid, that she didn't know what was happening right now and was very scared... and that's why she throw her long nails at her. So Lorena, even though he hurt so much, didn't hate the cat and put an explanation to her behaviour. (Does this ring any bell?)
She thought that summer went pretty well... although things are never as they seem and she is right more times than she wishes to.
He has always said he isn't great, he thinks he's not good-looking, and that he could never attract any other woman... although she spent time telling him the truth, he would never believe it. She could be a bit jealous but always not too much, always as a joke since she was so sure about his love for her, as well as she was sure she loved him more than anyone and that she would do it until she died.
So... she was busy a couple of weekends until she finally could go down to visit him and Konomi and her kittens. There were 7 of them, all so beautiful and dear... She sensed something, she wasn't sure about it, but she knew something was going on. She asked him a couple of times "why don't you love me?" as a 'joke'... but she didn't get the answer she always listened... and when they were about to go to sleep the very first day she was there (she was only going to be for the weekend) she asked again. He only replied "go to bed" while he headed for the kitchen. She did as she was told. He came back, turn down the lights, entered the bed beside her, spooned her... when she asked "so?why is it?". She was prepared for the answer although she didn't want to hear it... She was prepared in her mind, but her body wasn't. He said "I like someone else". She remained calm, fighting the tears as much as she could (always trying to be strong) and asked "who?", he replied "does it matter?" and she said "yes, tell me" more urgently than she wanted to show... And she knew. She had to be always right. And she broke apart so hard and deep... she wanted to die once more.
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