If A is a success  in life, then A equals x, plus y plus z.

Work is x; y is play and z is keeping your mount shut.

                             ------ Albert Einstein

Think before you speak.....

Six peole who wish they could turn back the hands of time....

First:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'  I turned around and walked back out and never went back.  My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

Second:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.  I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.  After browsing for several minutes, I was approved by one of the goodlooking gentlemen who works at the store.  He asked if he could help me.  Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls.'

Third:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.  As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.  I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'  My sister started to laugh hysterically.  The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.  To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Fourth:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.  I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.  I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punshed.  To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'  The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.  Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.  I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daugher in tow.  The last thing I heard as the door clsed behind me, were screams of laughter.

Fifth:

Have you ever asked you child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.  One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.  It was very busy, with a full dining room.  While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so or course I checked my seven-month-old daughter and she was clean.  Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.  I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'.  I kep thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have any clean clothes with me.'  Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'  'No,' he replied.  I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, becuase the smell was getting worse.  So, I asked one more time, 'Danny, did you have an accident?'  This time he jumped up, yanked down his pant, ben over, spread his cheeks and yelled, 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'.  While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sant down.  An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!.

Sixth:

This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any?  There was a female news anchor who, the day after it was suppose to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'  Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laugher so hard!

Two men look out through the same bars;

one sees the mud and one sees the stars.

----  Frederick Langbridge

Currently Listening Wake Me Up When September Ends By Green Day see related

We love our habits more than our income, often more than our life.

-----Bertrand Russell

Here's one for the weird files.

Have a history teacher explain this  ---- if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected to President in 1960.

Both were particulary concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were know by their three names.

Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Hold on, this gets even better:

Lincoln was shot at the theather named 'Ford'.

Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford'.

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.

Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And one more for the road:

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Creepy???????