March 18, 2007

Nine years ago today, my grandfather died.

I don't know why I even mentioned that..he died when I was nine.  We were close, but I don't remember much of him.  It's sad, really, especially when grandma tells me about how much he loved me.  Well, at least I have her.  For now.

More drama is popping up between my mother, my grandma, my sisters, and I.  I just wish it would stop.  It doesn't affect me at all; I could give a shit about what my mother thinks of me or anyone.  But it really hurts grandma.  And that kills me.  God as my witness, I will never, ever forgive my mother for the shit that she has put me and my grandmother through.  If I see her again in this lifetime, I may just spit in her good-for-nothing face.

We had a public speaker the other day at school.  It was some..semi-fanatical religious group called The Seven Project or some shit like that (I'm sure you can Google or Wikipedia them).  They kind of pissed me off.  They came in and tried representing this whole over-used optimistic bullshit about life and how much it sucks but how it gets better every time.  Well, truth is, it doesn't get better all the time.  Sure, you have your lucky few who escape murder, defeat cancer, overcome some disability.  But chances are slim that you're going to have a miracle child on your hands who can do all those things and survive without any psychological repercussions.

Don't you dare call me a pessimist; I am anything but.  What I am is a Realist.  I see things how they are.  Life sucks, get a helmet, is that what they say?  Well, that's about the best advice I can give anyone.  Just...prepare for the worst, because it's most likely going to happen.

The man preaching all this bullshit was going on complaining about how much his life sucked.  His parents did drugs and he moved all the time when he was younger.  Well...boo-fucking-hoo.  Welcome to Life.  It's not all sunshine, daisies, and shamrock shakes, asshole.  I'm sick of people thrusting their bullshit Feel-Good crap on me.  I've lived through shit that would make a grown man shudder.  Please spare me the pity pleas, thank you.  I've got enough skeletons in my closet without hearing about yours.

Wow, this sounds like I'm just begging for sympathy.  But you know what?  I don't want it.  I lived through Hell, I survived, end of story.  You don't see me touring high schools across the nation telling everyone my sob story, and feeding young American minds bullshit propaganda about some fantasy life that doesn't exist.  Things aren't always going to be OK.  That's just the way it is.  Yeah, you're right, it's bullshit and it's not fair, but hey..I don't make the rules.

Just...stop preaching.  Because someone always has a story sadder than yours, OK?

I'm done.

<3.

March 6, 2007

Isn't it amazing how things change?

It seems like one minute, everything in life is moving so slowly, and you'll never reach your final destination, wherever that may be.  It's fun to look back and reflect on all the things you did and learned in the past..

5 years ago (2002; Junior High)
My biggest worry was getting out from the cluthes of my mother alive.  I was going through a huge awkward stage; I was admitting to myself that I liked guys.  It was a very rough time..living in a town of 2000 and going to school with a class of 51 was a lot different than living in Dubuque.  Small minds, big dreams, and limited opportunities was what I had to work with.  I was dating Breann, and I thought I was never happier (with the exception of my home life).  My grandma and I got VERY close throughout this time.  She was the only person to whom I could run when I had troubles.  She was my savior.  I have to thank her for keeping me alive, quite honestly.  Without her, who knows where I'd be right now, assuming I'd even be alive.  Thanks, G-ma.  I love you.

4 years ago (2003; Freshman)
I didn't get picked on as much as I thought I would in high school.  The high school in East Dubuque consisted of 198 kids, ninth through tenth grade.  Small minds still occupied the halls, but I made a lot more friends.  During this time, I established tight bonds with those who were one or two years older than myself; a habit that would plague me to this day.  My biggest worry was if I could beat out Melissa Dalen for number one in our class (again, of 51).  Now that I was living at my dad's in Dubuque, I didn't have to worry about Mommie Dearest, who had moved herself to Rapid City, South Dakota.  Things were awkward at home, because I was getting used to living in a new house with new people, whom I almost never had the chance to socialize with previous to my moving in with them.  I had definately decided that I liked guys, and it was kind of traumatic.  But I got by.  I remained a nerd, a top student, magnificently goal-oriented, and set on becoming a famous corporate lawyer.  My, how things change.

3 years ago (2004; Sophomore)
I recieved a call the day before school in East Dubuque was to start informing me that, by living in Dubuque, I was no longer welcome to attend East Dubuque Public High School.  Sweet.  This meant I had four days to register for the year's classes at Hempstead.  I always said I'd rather die (or simply drop out) than go to Hempstead, merely because of my step-brother's low standing there.  As it turns out, that year I made some of the best friends ever..seriously.  I swear, the people I met that year, and the ones that followed, at Hempstead will be with me forever.  I love them all.  I developed some huge, insane, psychotic crush on a good friend of mine, which turned nasty, and resulted in myself developing acute Anorexia and losing 50 pounds in just a couple short months.  Ick.  I also found (and then lost) my first real boyfriend, thus opening the floodgates of homosexuality for me.  Yeesh.

2 years ago (2005; Junior)
My Junior girls were now Seniors.  It was harsh to realize that in less than a year, they would all be gone.  This year was great for me; my biggest care was making All-State, which I did, twice..once for choir, once for acting.  It was nice.  Beauty and the Beast was fun, too..and I got to get a lot closer to some of my best friends.  But, on the downside, I was working three jobs during the musical, and going through the worst break-up of my life.  I was depressed and rebellious, for my parents were acting completely irrationally and forcing me to become my own adult much too soon by thrusting all sorts of financial ability upon myself.  It sucked.  But at the same time, I started lessons, and decided that music was what I really wanted to do with my life.  Thanks, Sandra.

1 year ago (Senior; 2006)
The year got off to a rocky start..lots of drama came flowing my way as far as the music department at Hempstead went.  I made All-State again, got fucked at NATS, and partied like a motherfucker.  I made so many new friends over the summer of '06, and it was probably the best three months of my life.  My girls were gone and I missed them..but we continued to stay in touch.  I had a few crushes..some big, some not so much, but nothing too exciting went on this year in my love life.  My biggest aspiration was to do well at NATS and get through the year sane.  School was mundane, music was amazing, and friends were plentiful and amazing.  I decided on Luther College and fell in love with everything about it; and since November it was nothing but one large wait until I could graduate and leave.

Present Day (2007; 2nd Semester, Senior)
Now, I just want to get out.  Leave Dubuque, forget I ever lived here and what went on.  Sure, it's been a great 19 years here, and I wouldn't trade them or the people I met for anything.  But there's just WAY too much negative enery here -- years of mistakes, bad choices, and horrible memories.  I just want to start over, and lead the life I've wanted to for so long.  Someday I'm going to be successful, and I'll be able to say "I told you so" to plenty of people.  The only people (besides my friends) that I'll will miss are Sandra and my grandma.  They've been keeping me going for the last couple years.  I owe them both so much, just as I do my friends.  Thanks for everything, and here's to our bright, new, beautiful futures.  I know it's not all rainbows and butterflies out there..I lived in Hell for years.  But thanks to those terrible experiences, the rest of my life will be a fucking BREEZE.  And I can't wait to grab ahold of every opportunity and enjoy every minute of it.

<3.

February 17, 2007

Haha...

I push people away.
But it's not because I'm pushy.

It's because I care about them too much.
And they get scared...

But you know what?

So do I.

February 10, 2007

I was hurt tonight.  Completely, utterly, and indescribably hurt.

Picture this:  Imagine everything for which you've ever lived; think of every last moral, feeling, passion, emotion, etc.  Think about what you've spent your entire life believing; the years you've spent living and feeling and learning and growing with everything that life throws at you.  Now, imagine someone coming into your life at some random moment and persistantly telling you that you had not, ever, in fact, stood for any one of these things.

Would that not throw you off a bit?  Everything you've gone through would have meant nothing; the horrible relationships, the family crises, the personal self-betrayals, the many, many nights of philosophic pondering.  All of it, gone.

How can someone, anyone, have the right to tell you that you've not, essentially, lived your life?  Or, in other words, who has the right to say that they "know" you, they "relate"?

The answer is simple, kids...no one.

This evening I was made aware (thanks to the bittersweet evil that is MySpace) of some information, depictions, and accusations against me that were completely and, quite simply, unfounded.  I don't know what feelings are?  I don't know that pain exists?  I don't question the same philosophical bullshit that everyone else does?

Says who?  I am a human being.  I've lived for close to nineteen years on the same Earth on which everyone else has spent those same nineteen years.  I've felt the feelings that everyone else has.  I've felt the pain that everyone else has.  I've pondered the same unanswerable questions as everyone else.  Yet, I am told, I don't realize what the "real world" is really like?  Therefore, I have not lived?

How can someone honestly sit at a computer desk anywhere in the world and tell me that I've lived for nineteen years as a human being and not learned a goddamned thing in the process?  I'll spare the rest of the world my personal stories of love, pain, loss, and success, since you've already seen them before -- you've lived them.

The hypocricy lies here, in that, when lumping people together into a single group, you are also singling yourself out as well.  To say that YOU have lived and learned, but no one else has, is simply selfish, immoral, rude, and, above all, hypocritical.  To preach such things as acceptance, patience, tolerance, and compassion and to not practice them is lunacy in itself.  It's laughable, really, to think that someone can possess such ideals while no one else in the world is allowed, or even able, to do so.  In that respect, the accuser is dumbing down and degrading all of humanity itself -- they claim themselves superior while the rest of us remain inferior.

Well, it doesn't work that way.  I am quite sure that there are PLENTY of people in this world who simply float through life, not really caring about one thing or the next, and never taking anything from the decades they've spent here.  But the majority of mankind HAS taken something from all of this.  We have LIVED.  And in using the term "lived" so vividly, it is implied that we have learned something as well from the circumstances we've come across.

How DARE anyone tell me, Joe Berns, that I don't know what it's like to be hurt.  I could talk your ear off for days about how my mother hated me for most of my childhood years, or how one person made me feel some kind of love that could, quite possibly, never be replicated, and then about how they took it away from me almost literally overnight.  I've cried for those reasons and many others.  So don't tell me that I haven't any idea what it's like to feel pain.

How DARE anyone tell me, Joe Berns, that I don't know what it's like to feel completely alone.  There were days in my youth that I felt that my existence was simply unnecessary.  Depression isn't limited to one person; it is a disease.  A sick and terrible disease that affects more of us than we like to think.  I was a victim of depression, and everyday I would will myself to disappear and simply never come back, or, in the event that I did, come back as something much more beautiful than what I was -- a fat, nerdy singer from a small town in Illinois.  So don't tell me that I haven't any idea what it's like to be depressed.

How DARE anyone tell me, Joe Berns, that I don't know what human compassion is.  I don't care about the human race?  I could give a shit about other people?  Then, riddle me this: why would I have devoted SO many years of my life to protecting the people I love?  The answer?  If I, indeed, DIDN'T care, I wouldn't have.  How many school nights at 3am could I have ignored my best friend's phone calls?  How many hours have I spent listening to some of my closest comrades and family members cry, coming to me, of all people, to help them solve their problems?  You know, it would have been so FUCKING easy to hit the little red Ignore button when Jill would call me at all hours of the night, and it would have been so easy to try to find something "better" to do than listen to someone cry.  But I didn't.  I don't have any sense of human compassion?  Fuck.  That.  So don't tell me I haven't any idea what it's like to connect with other human beings.

And, above all else...

How DARE anyone tell me, Joe Berns, that they truly "know" me.  People pass judgement all the time, it's a natural instinct.  We don't realize it, but we do...I'll be the first to admit to it. But until you have read every single word I've EVER written about EVERY aspect of my life, you DON'T fucking "know" me.  Don't assume that, because I am such young blood, I don't know how to think.  Take a couple hours and sift through some of the highlights of the last few years of my life; they're all online.  Be my guest, that's why I post them there.  Just take a look back and see just exactly what I do know before you start assuming that I am unintellectual or immature or simply a child.  Because, newsflash, I'm not.  I can relate with the best of them when it comes to intellectual grandeur, so don't call me out just because I'm younger than you.  I have a brain.  And a heart.  So when you belittle me in front of not only myself, but my peers...it gets to me on such a personal level that it would make one's head spin.  So don't try to tell me that you "know" me...because chances are very likely that you don't.

If there is one thing I hate in this world, it is a hypocrite.  If you don't know the definition of this word, or its usage, I suggest you look it up as soon as possible; it might open your eyes a bit.  Don't preach human compassion and then toss me aside without proper trial and judgement.  Don't pretend to support openness and understanding when you refuse to talk to me about anything.  And don't pray for individuality and freedoms, then lump me into a category along with millions (or even billions) of other people.

I can think for myself.  And what I think right now is that this is some utter bullshit.  I've never concealed anything, as I've told Jill, but merely "beat around the bush"; the evidence was always there, but only just general enough to be non-specific (much like the post you are reading right now).  This is a great contrast to simply avoiding the topic altogether.  This gets nothing done, and when put off for so long (for example, many months) makes matters even worse.

In short -- look before you leap.  Before you start making sickening, appauling, and basically untrue statements, accusations, and condemnations, look at the whole picture.  First look at yourself to be sure you are not practicing hypocricy by accusing me of actions you yourself have taken in the past.  Then, look at the facts -- look at me.  What is it that you believe I did to make you convict me in the manner in which you did?  Once you sort these things out, talk to me, because then we might have a plausible case on our hands.

In even shorter -- don't be a hypocrite.  Oh, and get over yourself.

If anyone (and I mean ANYONE) needs further explanation and/or commentary on the subject matter of this post, feel free to contact me via a different medium of communication.

Currently Listening Whitney Houston - The Greatest Hits By Whitney Houston "Didn't We Almost Have It All" see related

February 7, 2007

Dear You, Thanks for being my best friend.  You've gotten me through so much shit in the last five years..I'll never forget all the crazy shit we've done, all the people we've messed with, confused, and cracked up.  You are seriously one of the most beautiful, strong, and wonderful people I've ever met.  I'm glad I can call you my BFF..and that means forever. --Me Dear You, Don't you GET IT???  I had a fucking CRUSH on you.  I FELL for you.  And what do I get in return?  "Oh, that's nice."  What the hell is that?  I thought we were getting pretty close..I mean, since August when we "met" I thought that maybe over the last few months we'd formed a strong friendship.  But with you coming in and out of my life randomly here-and-there, it's just too much for me.  Once I got up the nerve to tell you how I felt, you shot me down.  Granted, it was in a naive, innocent sort of way, but come on.  I think you and I could have made a GREAT couple.  But now I see that you have maybe more issues than I'm willing to deal with right now.  So I'm jsut going to leave you alone, and let you come crawling back to ME when you need a friend, a hug, or maybe just a good cup of coffee. --Me Dear You, I miss Summer.  You and I were pretty much inseparable.  Wherever we went, there was a party.  We have SO many memories from those two short months we spent together -- the dynamic duo.  Remember before we even met, and we would tell each other over and over again how cool we were?  God, we were douchebags..but it was so much fun to finally get to meet you.  You introduced me to some of the greatest people ever, got me through some tough times, and made a lot of memories with me.  Thanks so much.  Let's hope this summer is HALF as good as the last.  I love you. --Me Dear You, Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  It's sad that I don't have anything else to say to you right now.  I suppose I do have PLENTY I want to say, but I'm too civil to do it here.  I guess I just have to ask..why?  Or, even, how?  What the HELL did I ever do to you, or ANYONE to deserve what I got?  Ugh.  Well, I guess that's three questions.  But if you can come up with a valid answer for any ONE of them, I might be willing to hear your side of the story.  Might. --Me Dear You, I fear we're drifting.  I really hope not.  You've given me some of the best memories I've ever had..from our trip this summer to the movie nights we spent at your dad's to the nights elsewhere that we spent participating in various "other" activities around Dubuque.  I miss that.  You seriously have changed me, and I only hope that we can be as close again as we were before we have to say goodbye for good.  God knows I'm gonna miss you so much..you're beautiful.  And I love you. --Me Dear You, I'm pretty sure we've ALREADY drifted..and that really sucks.  I called you my best friend for a while, and I really meant it.  But I don't know what it was..maybe a boy, maybe your obsession for illegal substances..that made you decide we weren't going to be that close anymore.  It really sucks to think that I can't just call you up anymore and ask to hang out.  I miss the good old days when we could be friends.  Can we give it another try?  I'd like that. --Me Dear You, Recently, I've been thinking more and more about you.  I really miss you.  It's been so long since we last chatted or hung out or did anything civil that friends often do.  I remember all the good times we had and I want them to come back.  I miss grade school where we would be complete badasses and get in trouble by our parents because we stayed out after the street lights went on.  Haha, those were good days..goddamnit, I miss you.  Please..let's be friends again?  I love you. --Me Dear You, Thank you for being one of the best friends I could ever have hoped for.  I know we've had our share of spats and awkwardness, but doesn't everyone?  This summer was so lonely, because it wasn't the three of us anymore..it was either you and me or me and her, and it was MUCH too awkward to all try to be in the same place at the same time.  It really sucked, but I'm so glad it's all better now.  I love our heart to hearts at Panera, Miguel's, and even the Dubuque County Democratic Office.  "How's school?"..shit, you'll never live THAT one down.  I miss you so much and I remember last year when we had each other everyday.  But I'll be seeing you soon enough.  I love you, stay beautiful. --Me <3.