kariiiiii's Xanga

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 14:47:16 GMT

suddenly, dreaming of paris. of art museums. of decadent beauty. of faded imperial glory.

one day I will be there again on my own. And I will not be the high school girl ignorant about love. I will go there and I will see what you said I would have loved to see had I been right there with you.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 16:41:15 GMT

we make too many decisions when we are young and ignorant, decisions whose consequences we do not yet fully comprehend.

Does it finally dawn on you now, how disproportionately devastating the effect is becoming, of that act of impulse of yours? Does it begin to frighten you now, how difficult it is for me to ever get over it?

Or are you still failing to see? How selfish does your passion have to be?

perhaps we are still too young to know how big this matter will one day grow into, how lasting its impact will be.

the mere fact that I am still crying my heart out, still having emotional breakdowns after almost half a year is beginning to frighten me badly.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 16:26:51 GMT

weighed down by the monstrosity of Memory

may i ask when,
when will this relentless feeling of suffocation end?
when will this nausea leave me? It's not the cold coffee, I know it.

The fact that LIFE IS STILL GOING ON, that THE WORLD IS STILL TURNING
how can this be? should it not have collapsed? the everydayness of of my whole existence, that I still go to the movies and hang out with my friends as if my universe is still complete and whole and perfect... it just scares me how absoultely pretentious I have become.

Just extinguish my thoughts.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 16:47:21 GMT

how can i explain how i feel... i feel so tired, so old, so drained.
I am 21. and have my whole life ahead of me, but my footsteps are already feeling heavy, I walk now with a burden that I used not to bear; but it is here now, and I can't shrug it off.

Because no matter what magical power one holds in hand, one can never, ever change the past.
What has come to pass cannot be altered; we can do everything to make up for it, but is it not better to not do anything? For any action would not help anyway, and the eventual failure which can be foretold from the beginning only serves to highlight the futility of it all.

Why not just let the whole matter settle the way it is, I wish no longer to excavate the ruins in my heart. Let the ruins be buried, why should one dig them up only to be reminded of the glory, the happiness, the contentment that is no longer? Why make the past so painfully present? Why force me to live with it?

I am so tired. The whole thing has cost me so dearly, I feel like I have aged in the brevity of four months. I have aged too much, to the point that I can never again laugh so light-heartedly as before. I just want to journey through life with a companion, one who can be ever true, why is this so difficult? Is it too much to dream of, to wake up to a smiling face that you know will always be there, to fall asleep to a voice that you know you will hear for the rest of your life? It breaks me apart to imagine myself trying again, after all these years, I have spent all my energy and all my youth.

I know I can never ever love again with such innocence, with such vigor, with such intensity, with such oblivion. Call it naive and immature as you may, yet this youthful, high-school love will never come again. Those declarations of love that came so easily then can never be spoken again, with the same simple-minded faith in a future that will always be bright and beautiful.

Do I still believe in that future? Can I still believe in that future?

Even if I love again, that love will never be the same.

It's just tiring.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 17:15:26 GMT

so now I realize, there is really no one who can replace you
There is no presence that can fill up the vacuum, no voice that can enliven the hollow within

The emptiness is only magnified, for the more I talk with other people, the more I see what is missing
The gaping hole presents such a mocking reality, but I can't choose to bury it.

who am I trying to lie to, when I say I don't miss you at all.
and who I can talk to about how I am feeling, but you yourself, since you are the only one who will understand.

crappppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 16:54:00 GMT

____incandescent.

i am always against usng lyrics to convey one's feelings. but this is definitely the song for you.

知足

怎麼去擁有一道彩虹
怎麼去擁抱一夏天的風
天上的星星笑地上的人
總是不能懂不能覺得足夠

如果我愛上你的笑容要怎麼收藏要怎麼擁有
如果你快樂不是為我會不會放手其實才是擁有

當一陣風吹來風箏飛上天空
為了你而祈禱而祝福而感動
終於你身影消失在人海盡頭才發現笑著哭最痛

那天你和我那個山丘那樣的唱著那一年的歌
那樣的回憶那麼足夠足夠我天天都品嘗著寂寞

當一陣風吹來風箏飛上天空
為了你而祈禱而祝福而感動
終於你身影消失在人海盡頭才發現笑著哭最痛

如果我愛上你的笑容要怎麼收藏要怎麼擁有
如果你快樂不是為我會不會放手其實才是擁有　

知足的快樂叫我忍受心痛

Friday, May 25, 2007

Fri, 25 May 2007 11:47:10 GMT

you, heartless.

how can i be so stupid as to even entertain the THOUGHT of letting it happen again.

drown me wilde with your beautiful otherworldly prose to save me from misery.

i do not want to think about it.

how dare i even think that i will want to think about it?

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Thu, 17 May 2007 17:08:02 GMT

what ignorance, what ignorance, what ignorance.
i should shut up before I say anything wrong / outrageous / "conservative"

what aldous huxley said in ape and essence is materializing in front of my eyes

"but man, proud man,
drest in a little brief authority
most ignorant of what he is most assured
his glassy essence - like an angry ape,
plays such fantastic tricks before high heaven
as make the angels weep"

don't even let such absurdities appear on newspaper worldwide
what jeers, what insinuating laughter would be hurled upon us

laugh die the rest of the world.

okay shut up karita.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Thu, 17 May 2007 16:57:44 GMT

SHAME ON HONG KONG

Friday, May 11, 2007

Fri, 11 May 2007 15:13:23 GMT

my ability, or rather, willingness, to be thankful and accountable has reached an unprecedented low.

what is wrong with you?