I'm getting pretty fired up about this bailout thing.  I was so surprised when it wasn't passed on Monday!  But now that it won overwhelming favor with the Senate, I'm sad that the mere 12 votes they need to pass it will, more than likely, be obtained.  I'm disappointed that officials and some American citizens fail to see the bigger picture - that our dollar is crumbling under the weight of our national debt and so forth.  People are looking at the present situation and only caring about the here and now.  No more lending!  No more jobs!  Ahhh!  What will jobs matter if money becomes worthless??  What are people going to loan to you then??  Our economy needs total reconstruction, not more spackle work.

So that goes without saying, we need to pray for our nation's current state.  Not only that, we need to be contacting our congressmen and senators.  We saw on Monday that our government is still our government.  We have an effect on what happens nationally.  So everyone, go email or write or call your congressmen, either thanking them for their "no" vote and imploring them to stand firm on that, or reminding them that their position in the House is up to you, the voter, and that they will certainly not receive your vote next term due to their ill representation of the citizens by agreeing to such a disastrous plan.  If you don't know who your elected officials are, you can go here, type in your zip code, and find them.

He's really loving this whole bathtub thing.  (We only had a shower at the other place.)  For a time, he thought there was a dragon inside the drain.

I had my six-week post-partum check-up (holy hyphens!) last week.  Things have been so chipper here with the new apartment that I almost forgot what it was like to feel overwhelmed.  It's been a serious improvement for me though - to be happy and not skeptical of blessing.  I had run a few errands prior to the appointment, so I was feeling accomplished and good.  I finally get into the exam room and the nurse confirms my delivery date.  "And everything went well with that then?"  Hmm, how do I answer this question?  So I think for a minute and just repond, "I had... a... stillbirth."  And with that response comes a serious rush of chills as I never thought I'd ever have to utter that sentence.  The nurse was a total sweetheart, but I was struck with sadness when she responded with no awkwardness whatsoever.  It hit me that these things are certainly not a rarity.  She was sweet though and told me that she remembered hearing about our news that day, even though she hadn't served a real purpose in our visit then, and was so heart-broken.  She mentioned that she had fallen in love with Jacob and his McQueen shoes and what not.  It was nice, especially to be remembered like that.  It makes the doctor's office feel more personal.  After she left, it was a slow progression into an emotional upheaval.  I totally didn't see it coming.  I glanced over at a newspaper article on the wall about the link between miscarriage and caffeine consumption.  Dr. Pepper was a major craving of mine during this pregnancy, so you can imagine where my thoughts eventually led me.  After I had shaken that off, my eyes just started wandering around the room.  All sorts of diagrams and things.  A three-part picture of a woman with a baby in her belly.  Then there's the month-by-month magazine articles that give you an inside look at growth and so on.  Tears just started welling up in my eyes, and in the next few minutes it took for Shelley to come in, I fought with myself so hard to just hold them back.  I just wanted to get through one visit without looking like a basketcase.  Oh good, here's Shelley.  "And how are we today?"  haha  As she looks at Tammy Faye Baker who just nervously smeared her make-up all over her face in an intense effort to fight away the crying.  Another lost battle of controlling my emotions.  One of many more to come, I'm sure.

I was eagerly anticipating that visit though, and it was good.  We talked about getting pregnant again, the possibility of genetic counseling next time, and the whole nine.  I left feeling relieved, in a way.  Of course, it re-hashed my current struggle with God.  Because in dark times and in our fallen state, who wouldn't constantly wonder why this has happened?  What did I do to make this kind of thing happen?  Was this an inevitable consequence of some unseen sin?  There's got to be some explanation for it, and I'm sure it's got something to do with some error of mine.

There's that verse that says, "Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?"  That was the main verse that Evan brought to mind during this whole trial.  He would often listen to all my rants, some intelligible and others not, and tell me that this is not a stone.  After Abel and Noah's burial service, it was customary that everyone came up to us with something to say and/or a hug.  An old friend gave me a long hug and looked into my eyes and said, "Jesus loves you".  I think that she really didn't know what to say, but she said it, with a weird kind of severity, and it cut me.  It made me realize that I didn't really believe that.  I felt completely forsaken and forgotten.  For goodness' sake, I'm a 24-year old child, and I'm standing at the smallest gravesite I've ever seen, burying my own children.

It takes faith to believe these truths - that Jesus does love me, I am his child, and this is not a stone.  And so I am like the man in Mark 9 - "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief."

I can't wait for this move to just take place (tomorrow!  yes!).  I really am so tired.  We've been up from 8ish in the morning until 1-2 a.m. these past few nights.  And the days are just filled with work, work, work.  The downstairs rooms at the new place are all painted and ready to go though, which is excellent.  I'm still packing here at our old place.  We like to pack up the car with stuff everytime we go to the new apartment, so it's been awkward to live these days.  I never can remember what's here and what's there, so I'm especially looking forward to tomorrow, when I can feel as though I live in just one place.  Even if it's all in boxes, at least it's all located in one zip code.  There's so many cons about this place that I like to remind myself about.  Especially lately, now that the move is 100% certain.  Our shower drain incessantly backs up because the drainage system here is from 1922.  I always have to rinse out the shower of food particles after I do the dishes.  Gross.  We have somewhat of a jimmy-rigged septic system so everytime we flush our toilet, our kitchen and bathroom smells like crap.  I don't know if they've yet discovered and/or named the species of spider we see in this place.  I took a picture of said intruder once.  Be warned!  This is not your typical feathery house spider, so click at your own risk.  I've stained many a wall and carpet killing these suckers.  The mold here is getting out of control, too.  I really had no idea until we started packing things up.  I've done all that I could to try and keep it at bay these past few years but to no serious avail.  And last but certainly, certainly not least, I truly cannot describe my anticipation to live in a place with windows.  Real windows that I can reach and open whenever I want to!  This is a basement and all, and we've done so much to keep it cozy and home-like these past four years, but I am so ready to make the transition to regular, above-ground living quarters.  Goodbye, my cozy little cave.  You've been (mostly) good to us.

There are highlights and perks in almost everything, even in the grueling task of putting the whole of your household goods into boxes.  I've been working on Jacob's room the most since there's not a whole lot in there that needs to be left out.  He's been content to play only with his two favorite dinosaurs for the past three weeks now, so I don't feel like another week or so of the same choice is going to hurt him.  While emptying out his closet yesterday, I felt a flood of nostalgia as I pulled out bags of packed away hats and booties, half a zillion neatly folded blankets, with the smell of sweet baby Jacob still lingering on them, and all the copious amounts of other tiny things that once accessorized my now oh-so-grown-up boy.  (I cannot believe he is going to be three in just a few months!)  There was one particular item that not only took me back to such fun memories but also aided in a little silly playtime (and some great pictures) for the J-man.


Jacob really enjoys being silly and we specially love that about him.  We're going through another sorta miserable stage with him again, but it doesn't stop us from laughing at all the funny things he says and does.  He talks a lot better and more often nowadays.  It really is kinda funny to think that just months ago, he wasn't really saying much.  And what he did say then wasn't as easy to understand as it is now.  A new frequent response to any "why" question we ask him is a fiercely enthusiastic and adorable, "Puh-caaause!"  Though he almost overuses it now, it still makes me laugh out loud when he catches me off-guard with it.