today was really hard...harder than its been in a while.
i had a crazy dream about jay last night. another one of those where he's dead and i know he is, but i'm still able to talk to him and he responds.....
so he shot himself in the woods and all that right, so in my dream he has this video of me and him walking arm and arm OUT of the woods...and we just went for a swim in the woods....what does that mean? i hate it....i love dreaming about him, b/c i see him and hear his voice again, b/c its defintiely HIS voice in my dreams, but i hate it b/c then i think about it all day long, it makes me really emotional and really stressed out. i cried the whole way to work and warned my manager ahead of time that if i broke down then i was sorry.
i know the reason i dream about him so much in the since that he's really dead but somehow alive, is b/c i didn't get to see him and i didn't get that closure.
in the dream i was talkin to him and i said "jay, i miss you soo much. i can't handle it anymore. i need you back with me" and he said "katie, i understand completely. i am miserable without you here" i have been repeating those words in my mind all day long.
why did he have to go ya'll. why did he do it? what is God's blessing out of all of this, what good can come of it? why did it have to be JAY...the most amazing, smartest person i've ever met.
i can't wait to get to Heaven and ask God all of these questions.
i wanan be thankful for many things this Thanksgiving. and i mean I'm thankful for every memory with Jay, every conversation, every picture, every hug, every kiss, every "i love you"...everything, but i can't bring myself to be all that Thankful...you know?
i miss him more than i have the power to explain! | 
