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Verse of the Update (2008/04/05):
Psalm 74:20:  “The dark places of earth are full of the haunts of cruelty…”
Jeremiah 10:19:  “Woe is me for my hurt!  My wound is severe.  But I say, 'Truly this is an infirmity, and I must bear it.' ”

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Video of the Update:
The Karen of Burma and Thailand   (http://blip.tv/file/405015)

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Link of the Update:
Thailand Traveler Homepage   (http://thailandtravelerhomepage.blogspot.com)

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Quote of the Update:
“You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end – which you can never afford to lose – with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.” ~James Stockdale

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Stuff of the Update:
Feel free to check out the video I have listed above, “The Karen of Burma and Thailand”.  This video is a music video about the Karen people, and it is relevant to a portion of the following entry.  (Note: the video contains some graphic images.)  Also, check out the Thailand Traveler website I have listed right after the video.  It has some great information and multimedia about Thailand and the Karen.  A great read, indeed!

At this time, I’m too hesitant to post the following entry on my main website.  Perhaps I’ll do it later, but right now it feels a bit too much to share with the general audience.  I apologize in advance if it is a bit heavy, but I need to get this stuff off my hairy chest, I need to try to make sense of the things I've seen.  So here we go:

I want to talk about tremors.  What is a tremor?  Dictionary.com defines it as the following:
trem·or (-noun):
1.    involuntary shaking of the body or limbs, as from disease, fear, weakness, or excitement; a fit of trembling.
2.    any tremulous or vibratory movement; vibration: tremors following an earthquake.
3.    a trembling or quivering effect, as of light.
4.    a quavering sound, as of the voice.

The longer I live, the more I get a sense of a certain tremor that runs through all of Creation.  I cannot put my finger on it, nor can I accurately describe what exactly it is.  I can only convey some of the various ways I see it manifest itself.  But I tell you again, as I live longer, as I see more of the world, as I gain more understanding of the nature of this existence, as I observe more people and witness their life experiences... the more I sense this Tremor.  What is it?  I cannot easily describe it, so I will first describe some ways I have seen it manifest itself:

1.  Extortion: The local politicians promise the poor villagers that they will receive their National ID cards after local elections this December if the villagers just pay $1000 to cover expenses, plus one poor woman's computer that was donated for her work with sick and diseased people.  Without the ID card, the villages are not free to travel outside the district.  December comes, and the politicians promise the cards will be finished next March.  March comes, and the politicians promise the still-waiting villagers that the cards will come in a few months after the next round of elections.  At that time, the villagers will just need to give some more money, and then they'll get their cards.  If the villagers ask the politicians to give a written guarantee as a receipt for the money they pay, the politicians will accuse them of lacking trust and reject them.  The politicians continue to string along the poor villagers and use their hopes for citizenship as a way to gain money and election votes.  The villagers cannot do anything about it.  If they vote for new people, the money they’ve already paid is definitely put to waste.  The villagers just accept this reality that is set upon them.

2.  Tension between Good and Good:  There is a Buddhist family of three that lives in a village.  The mom and dad have faithfully and lovingly cared for their only son for 17 years.  The only two things they ask of him are to make merit for them by becoming a monk, and to take care of them during their latter years.  Recently, the boy became a Christian and began following the Most High God.  Upon turning 18, the mom and dad expect the son to become a monk to earn merit for them.  However, in doing so, the son understands that he would have to deny His God.  The mom and dad are crushed, and live the rest of their lives in bitterness and sorrow that their only child would deny his parents who have loved him so faithfully.  Their feelings of rejection make them want to reject their son.  The mom and dad cannot understand why any god would ask their son to hurt and deny his parents.  The son feels immense guilt that he would have to deny his parents one of the only things they have asked of him, at the same time feeling guilt that he feels tempted to deny his God.  The son lives in the tension between honoring his Maker who loves him and created him, and paying back his parents for the sacrifice they have shown him.  Another example: cults doing good.  People who twist the image and nature of God make me feel sick.  When they do good things for people in need, I do not know how to react, and I feel even sicker.  I feel enraged when people distort my God, in the same way that a Thai would be enraged if you stepped on a picture of their king, or if you desecrated an image of the Buddha.  I see such distorters doing wonderful things that God would love, that I would love, that anyone would love.  Yet they teach that God is the collective consciousness of all sentient beings, or that God is a spirit father and both Jesus and Satan are his spirit children, or that if you are not one of the 144,000 chosen ones you cannot go to heaven, etc.  I feel caught in the middle of despising a false prophet and loving a good deed.  The tension between the two tears me apart, even while the call to love even the despicable is whispered in my ear.

3.  The disease:  A young man and a young woman recently married.  Not long after their consummation, the man begins to suffer from excruciating headaches and other strange symptoms.  He goes to the doctor and finds out he has cancer located on his brain stem.  He does not have enough money to pay for reliable treatment; the only treatment available to him is extremely dangerous and does not have a high success rate.  He now must live each day of his young life hoping that the cancer does not grow any further.  In another case, a talented 28 year-old woman with a bright future ahead of her begins to experience strange symptoms in her body.  She goes to a doctor and finds out she has stage-4 breast cancer.  The cancer quickly accelerates, and she is bed-ridden, awaiting death.  As an only child who lives in a culture where elderly parents rely on their children to care for them, she lives the rest of her short life in guilt and sorrow wondering who will take care of her poor parents after her death.  Sudden destruction and guilt are the end-reality of this once promising woman.

4.  The terror:  One hour west of me lays a region scarred by years of war.  The Karen people sit oppressed and under the terror of the brutal Burma army.  Okay, enough with loaded words… how about just some facts:  Citizens targeted like soldiers.  Villages razed.  Churches burned down.  Landmines laid in rice fields and storehouses.  Mothers raped in front of their husbands.  Children killed in front of their parents.  Villagers forced to work for soldiers.  A man shot while rescuing a drowning woman.  A woman’s husband shot and killed while she was pregnant.  A baby’s father stabbed, his skull crushed by soldiers.  A woman’s husband shot in the leg, then executed with a knife stabbed through his stomach.  A child’s mother shot by soldiers who proceeded to cut off her hand and ears.  A woman’s husband shot on sight by the military for no reason.  Villagers fleeing from an advancing army on a regular basis.  Refugees taking flight deep into malaria-infested jungle without food, medicine, or shelter.  A young teenage girl’s leg blown off after stepping on a landmine while gathering vegetables.  A woman’s grandma ripped in half by a landmine while fleeing the military.  A woman raped and beat until unconscious, only to have a sharpened bamboo pole thrust up her vagina.  A woman’s daughter kidnapped and buried alive in a pagoda by soldiers...  The reality the Karen face is an ever-present weight over their shoulders, a terror always lurking behind the next shadow.  Try looking into the eyes of some of these people, or any oppressed people for that matter.  You might catch a glimpse of this Tremor I’m talking about.

5.  The losing team:  Christians say they are victorious.  Christians sing and dance like they've won the World Series, the Super Bowl, the Championship, the gold medal at the Olympics.  However, everywhere I go, I see a fractured and divided team.  I see a team that bites more against itself than it does the kingdom of darkness.  I see so much doctrinal cancer infecting the team that I feel like even the most advanced therapy could not treat this disease.  I see the real players using doctrinal steroids and drugs to enhance their game, only to build fake heroes and card houses in the end.  I see poser-teams (e.g. the afore-alluded cult groups, etc.) doing more than the real team, being more united than the real team, and gaining ground on the real team.  I see the losing team acting like a winning team, covering its eyes from the reality of the game only so they can continue singing their happy songs of celebration, revelation, and illumination without a sense of conviction.

6.  Me: I often encounter situations that place me outside of my regular sphere of existence that I know so well.  These stretching experiences crack me open and let me see just a glimpse of who I really am.  One peak inside, and I’m terrified.  When was the last time you saw who you really are?

7.  … :  There are many other manifestations of this Tremor that could come to mind quite easily.  However, I feel that what has been mentioned already is sufficient enough for this discussion.

Some people refer to all of this as sin, or the result thereof.  Some call it the devil.  Some call it karma.  Some call it bad luck.  Some call it suffering.  Some call it reality.  I call it “the Tremor”, because it seems to encompass so much more than any given word, and I don't know what else to call it.  It’s an ever-present trembling of the inner soul and physical world that is as ubiquitous as it is difficult to describe.  It’s as obvious as it is obscured.  It’s the actions of evil.  It’s the lethargy of the good.  It’s the effects of darkness.  It’s the failure of the light (note the small “l”).  It’s the tension between good and good.  It's the hate that subsists where love ought persist.  It’s the perpetual and interminable unease.  It’s the state of things not being right, the state of unsettledness.  It’s the sting of reality, the death of hope.  It’s the big man screwing over the small man.  It’s the small man screwing himself over.  It’s the happy mask over the crestfallen spirit, the band-aid over the gaping wound, or perhaps the refusal to recognize the gaping wound.  It's everything that isn't as it should be, all that isn't as it could be.  It's that which isn't as it would be if only the world was as it should be.  It’s the power of those who devour the earth with fire, the frailty of those with fire in their hearts to be the cure.  It’s the cynicism born out of idealism, despondency born out of disappointment, depression born out of regret.  It’s that damned dragon from Revelation that still has power over the kingdoms of earth.

Re-read the list of seven observations with this description in mind.  Maybe you'll get an idea of the gut feeling in my stomach that is the explanation of this Tremor.

I’ve recently been listening to a new album by Delirious called, “Kingdom of Comfort”.  (Note: Delirious is the band that wrote the classic worship songs, “I Could Sing of Your Love Forever”, “Did You Feel the Mountains Tremble”, “Majesty”, etc.)  “Kingdom of Comfort” chronicles everything ranging from the band’s experiences in reaching out to various third-world countries over the past couple years, to the various hardships in their own lives.  Witnessing numerous manifestations of what I call “the Tremor”, Delirious encountered many thought-provoking situations that caused them to question their outlook on life, the world, and their faith.  The ensuing thoughts, emotions, inner-struggles, and prayers are captured and conveyed through word and song in a way I rarely see or hear.  Many people resort to the typical, “You fat lazy idiots… get up and feed those frickin’ poor people.”  As I listen to the album, I hear something different.  I hear the voices of men grabbing this monster by the horns, staring it down, and honestly asking the Lord God Most High what He would have them do about it all.

As I see this monster rampage through lives around me, as I feel this Tremor ripping through my life, I cannot help but pray to Christ the Most High God,
“Is there,
Is there a place in Your arms of love
Strong enough?
Will You carry us
Carry us through?”

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Picture of the Update:

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Addendum

It would seem that even Jars of Clay has felt this Tremor:

“Sometimes I cannot forgive
And these days, mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep

While I lay, I dream we're better,
Scales were gone and faces lighter
When we wake, we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other

Sometimes I can close my eyes,
And all the fear that keeps me silent falls below my heavy breathing,
What makes me so badly bent?

We all have a chance to murder
We all feel the need for wonder
We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the thunder

Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to make of heaven
All the times I thought to reach up
All the times I had to give
Babies underneath their beds
Hospitals that cannot treat all the wounds that money causes,
All the comforts of cathedrals
All the cries of thirsty children - this is our inheritance
All the rage of watching mothers - this is our greatest offense

Oh my God”

~ Jars of Clay, “Oh My God”