Best Birthday Present Ever.

[Sorry for the lack of picture for the 'Currently Watching,' that's the only one I could find using Xangazon Search.]

Today the Form 6 name list is out. You can go find out which school you're sent to through the Ministry of Education website. Just type in your IC number or, if you still remember it, your SPM angka giliran (okay, I don't know how to translate that; your...turn number? I'm not even sure what angka means.) and press Enter.

I'm not sure how many people know this, but I'm sure a lot of people wouldn't bother to check. That's because, they are happily studying in college now. So, checking for myself aside, the busybody me went ahead and checked for a few other people, guessing and using their SPM 'turn numbers.' And from the results, I see that, quite a number of my ex-classmates are sent to the school next door--yes, STAR. No that anyone bothers, anyway.

I got sent to STAR too, btw. But I cannot believe my mom actually wants me to print out the offer letter and go register at the school next week. That means I'll have to go shop for school uniform, cut my hair (again!), and spend money to buy books. I don't want to do all that. I don't even want to get into Form 6. I'll get a scholarship and fly myself over to somewhere overseas.

And that's my problem, and the my mom's point in asking me to do the abovementioned thing: I'm not looking at things rationally. I'm not considering the possibility of not getting a scholarship; I'm clouded by my confidence, my overconfidence--my arrogance. I'm just thinking that I am getting a scholarship--no, scratch that: I'm thinking I am getting all of the scholarships that I've applied for. I'm already planning so far ahead, training my English to get a natural but subtle and non-local accent, thinking what I would want to get myself involved in when I'm there, if I should bring along all the books that I've bought but haven't read, and even what I would miss about home and what I would promote to my future mates abroad.

I'm not thinking at all that with a simple 'no,' all that I've been planning is going to shatter like it never existed; with a simple rejection letter, I'm going to cry all day, all night, be upset and unhappy about going to school, but I'd still have to be there every single, miserable, dreaded day--just like a kid, only I'm not afraid of the homework and teachers anymore, and I won't whine about being forced to attend school. It'd just hurt so much, however happy I might be, having company from new, and maybe even old, friends even though I'm sadly stuck in Form 6--because as much as that's heart-warming and contentable with, that's not even faintly what I want.

I'm seeing all the good if's as when's, and not even bothering the bad if's. I have so much dreams of myself; so much faith in the future; and so much hope in the destiny--that I have in my mind. And now, suddenly thinking about otherwise, the potential total opposite of what I hope for and dream of and have faith in, I'm...scared. Not just normal sweat-breakingly scared, but coldly, traumatisingly scared. My mouth goes dry, my throat feels like something is stuck inside, my stomach either lurches or feels empty, I can't breathe easily, my heart skips beats--I am terrified. I really don't know what I would do if I didn't get a scholarship, when all I've been thinking of is when I study abroad under a scholarship.

I guess what my mom is asking me to do is the wise move: register for Form 6 first; no matter what happens, I'd know I still have something to hang onto, even if it isn't remotely what I want--let alone being the last thing I want. But I really don't want to put effort, and more importantly, money, into something that I might leave in a couple of weeks' time. Might? Oh great, now my mom succeeded in shaking my faith--before this I'd say, '...into something that I will leave...'

I really don't want to even start Form 6, because that would really make me lose my conviction in scoring scholarships--if just talking about registering for it shakes my faith, imagine actually sitting in the hall listening to speeches during orientation week/day.

Please, please, please, just let all the scholarship letters bearing good news come by my birthday. I'm making a birthday wish now: I want a scholarship that sends me to the States for my 18th birthday. Anyone getting me that? It'd be my best birthday present ever, I'm telling you in advance.