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| My Late Night Conversation with GodThis is about as close to a written form of this conversation as I can do. I was hesistant to post it but maybe it will mean something to you. If you think of it, please pray for me about these things as I am struggling so much with them right now.
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I'm tired God. I don't think I
can make it.
What's up?
Everything is
falling apart.
'Everything'?
Pretty much. I can't do it.
Does this 'everything' include Me?
I
guess not...
You guess? Do you remember who you
are talking to? Read the last chapters of Job and then look up at
the stars. I don't think you quite remember Who you are talking to
here. I don't guess. But I love you anyway,
and that's why I'm here, as always. Care to share specifics of what
exactly 'everything' is?
Oh,
You already know it all. Why bother bringing it all up?
Because I'm interested; this is our
special time. Besides, you know that you won't get too far without
talking to me about it at some point. You've learned that lesson
enough times by now. Would 'everything' by chance include finals,
AlphaOmega, work, and her?
Yes, yes, yes, and
definitely yes.
Tell me about them.
Well,
I'm locked in for a C in one class, bombed a final on Monday, and
need to get an A on the next to get an A overall.
You already forgot about the other
two A's you have, the C is likely to be curved—as far as you know
it might end up a B—and the other not one person finished
completely and may be curved as well. On top of that, you already
have the “cheat sheet” for the last final because your friend is
taking it early and gave you a copy. If you're diligent you'll be
fine.
I
suppose that's good. But what about AlphaOmega? I messed up a lot
this semester; I was the most forgetful president ever! I missed
senate meetings, missed the deadline for a table at Woodduck Days,
and couldn't get that speaker set up when You laid it out in front of
me—we even had Muslims willing to come and interested in hearing
the counter argument to their
speaker!
You worked those nights and we had
it covered most of the time, the club was not affected—you're
getting a $200 budget raise for next year, remember? You could
barely be at Woodduck Days anyway, and as far as the speaker goes,
don't worry about it. I have a plan that no one can comprehend.
Just listen to Me more and I'll tell you what to do.
I've
been working take out since the new year and it is getting
embarrassing at how poorly I can do it. I panic in the back.
You worry too much. Stop working
for the praise of your supervisors. Don't worry about messing up;
just take time to learn and not give up. If you do your best for My
sake (regardless if is 'poor') you will be better off than if you
simply give up now. Keep giving it to me and you'll find it really
isn't so bad.
Yes, thank you
Lord. I will give you all these things. Help me do it because I
can't do it alone. We had a long talk about giving it all up and
being real. Well, I've been trying to do that. I'll keep trying.
Thanks so much for everything. In Jesus' Name-
Hold up.
What? I'm done
with the prayer; I need some sleep.
Wasn't there something else?.
I would say no, but
it's really hard to hide stuff from You, being omniscient and all.
Be real with Me.
It's
the girl, Lord.
What's wrong with her?
Nothing
with her—that's the problem. She's perfect.
I don't make mistakes.
Well,
not perfect like You are...but You know what I mean.
Yes, I do.
Tell me, why she is a problem?
Because she's taken
Your place. A year ago I was walking on clouds and I thought I
finally was at the top of the hill. For eleven months now I've been
falling down that hill—and I'm still tumbling! It feels like I've
hit the bottom with a thud but then I keep rolling! I know it's You.
Only You could orchestrate so many events crashing together like
that.
Do you know why My Hand was between
you two?
I know You're a
jealous God; You want me back because I am Yours and Yours alone.
I'm tired of running away all the time and I'm sorry. I'm so
hesitant to bring this to You because I know the answer is
going to be “the best for me” and yet exactly what I don't want
to hear.
What don't you want to hear?
You're
going to ask me to give her up—You've been asking that for a year
now.
Well, have you?
Sometimes
I think so. I took took the background off my phone...and my
desktop...and the photos by the bed...and the ones of the
bookshelf...and the ones on the wall.
More or less; I had your mom do some
because I knew you wouldn't. That's a start. What else?
I've
avoided her for much of the semester in hopes that the empty feeling
would go away, but it only got worse.
The reason I give people an empty
hole in their heart is because that's My spot. She can't fill it.
I realize this. I
always have but I continue to ignore it. When you challenged me to
be real, I was real. You challenged me to put it all in the open, so
I tried.
And what did you learn?
Well,
my assumptions were confirmed. I know for a fact that she was
avoiding me all year; she admitted that herself.
That was for your benefit and you
know it. Her intentions were good, and she even said she was sorry
for any hurt she caused by it—and meant it.
I
know, and I don't blame her for anything. It's me who can't think
when she's in the room; it's me who envies every guy who she
interacts with because they have her attention and she gives them—not
me—a smile. It's me who has the reoccurring dream about when we did a waltz together last year; it's me who continually replays in my mind the one hug she ever gave me. How
much more pathetic can I get, God? It feels like I'm fourteen all
over again. I let all the stupid things bother me and I'm sick of
it. I can't even put my contacts in as well lately because my eyes
aren't used to crying.
I know. It hurts. Do you know what
to do?
Yes, and that makes
it even worse. I want to give it all to You but my body refuses. I
know that You're the only One who can fill my hole and raise me back
to life but I continue to push You away. Why do I know all this and
have so much trouble living it out? I want to be like my mom, Lord,
when she was engaged to be married at age twenty. You intervened and
stopped that; You told the man that she was not to be his and he
honored her and You. Not only that, but he continued to love her as
a sister in Christ and was very excited when she got married to dad.
I want to hear someday that my friend is engaged to a man that loves the
Lord and is going to bring her closer to You—the love of her life—and praise and thank
You for it with all my heart because I will be excited for
her! It's just...that's not the case right now. I'm a selfish brat; I
want it all for me. And, it hurts to pray this, but please continue
to break me. Crush every selfish desire in me—it's not welcome
here. I'm sick of being so hard all the time; I'm sick of being into
me rather than You. Soften my heart. Bring me to the desert so that
I become so thirsty for You. Make me cry for You like I've never
cried before.
Get some rest, Joey. Come to me
again in the morning, afternoon, evening, and all the times in
between and we'll talk some more. Even when you walk away I'm still
waiting right here for when you come back. I do want you back, so
don't give up trying. But always remember: I have loved you with an
everlasting love which is way more than you think you love her. Try
measuring how long, wide, and deep that love is. I will raise you up
once again. Be still and know that I AM God and that NOTHING can
snatch you out of My Hand.
| | |
| The Irony of Genuine Humble ConfessionI was able to make it to two nights for the Bible Quiz Fellowship
National Tournament (it was in MN this year) and my friend Gary from
Mexico was able to drive up with some of my Mexican friends and his
pastor, Chayo, (who is awesome btw--we just have a small language
barrier). It is so refreshing to be around those guys...and super
convicting, too. My friend Tom (awesome cook who helps at Dellwater
for a week each year) was also there. I'm not sure anyone can be in
the same room as Gary, Tom, and Chayo and not feel blessed and reminded
how AWESOME God really is. They have amazing testimonies, attitudes,
and lifestyles and I pray that someday I can have that kind of faith,
love, and hope in God. I was helping Gary get some movies from his
laptop in his room while I was listening to them talk. The phrase that
really jumped out to me and stuck in my mind since then was something
like, "Every real revivial has always began with prayer, confession, and repentence. Having all three in abundance is essential."
That
line has been in my head ever since, and I agree with it. It makes me
think of when some of my friends would come to me and were all excited
about God after worship rallies or summer camps or missions trips,
etc.. They (and I'm included--I'm very much like this) will come and
tell me all about their experience they had with God and how amazing it
felt. Of course I'm glad to hear about it, but, at least in my own
life, I wonder how long that feeling will last. Don't get me wrong,
I'm not anti-emotional spiritual highs--I love them! It's just
that...there has to be something more to life changes than emotional
highs. Within three weeks you're back doing whatever you promised God
you would never do again. (At least, that's how it is for me.)
Emotional
highs are good, but I know from my own life that the biggest long-term
impacts came not from the emotional highs, but from the lows--when
confession and repentance was the most sincere. Most of you know that
I can brag up Camp Dellwater more than any other place. I've had
plenty of "highs" there--twelve weeks worth--but of all the years that
made the most difference, I distinctly remember my second year and
third year. My counselor Gary pulled me aside one night after the
ralley (prompted by God) and we talked awhile. It was there that I
learned about the power and freedom of confession and repentence. Next
year when I came to camp I was able to see fruit in my life. I've seen
this power in some of my friends' lives, too. One night a friend of
mine pulled me aside after worship ralley and told me that he had been
molested as a kid for many years by his neighbor and couldn't even tell
his family or friends about it and was sick and tired of carrying
garbage around in his life. I'd never seen him so weak and sincere in
my life--yet that was the most mature thing I've ever seen him do. He
ended our conversation with, "Joey, I want to-want to follow Christ...I
just don't know if I can fix up my life." It was in that moment of weakness when he open his heart up and exposed some of his greatest wounds that I saw him start on the path towards freedom and healing.
So, confession, prayer, and repentence (just noticed the acronymn is CPR) are needed for real life change. What, then, does true confession and repentence
require? I find it simple to admit generic faults: "I'm really, really
bad at basketball. I can't draw anything but a stickman--and that's on
a good day! I procrastinate pretty badly and I don't do all my
homework." I also find it relatively easy to admit generic "Spiritual"
faults: "I'm a very bad person; I'm horrible; I'm evil; I spit in God's
face everyday. I struggle to keep God as my first priority." Well,
duh, I'm human--you already know I'm a 'bad' person by definition of a
post-Fall-of-Man human. While it is critical that you know you are a
bad person and that you need the Savior, I think that confession is
more sincere in specifics. It's also relatively easy, for me anyway,
to admit very visable and well-known faults. For example, my tongue is
pretty sharp. I'm not being modest when I say that. Two weeks ago, in
front of 90% of the core members of AlphaOmega, I cracked and was able
to send a good friend off teary-eyed with about two or three harsh
sentences. I wanted the floor to eat me as soon as the words left my
mouth. I didn't mean it and thankfully our friendship is good so
things were made right within a few minutes--but my tongue is extremely
sharp. Though it is hard to admit to being weak to something like
that--especially when some people claim I only have nice things to
say--it's relatively easy for me to confess that I'm a hot-head because
it's....well, hard for me to hide all the time.
I guess I can't argue that those aren't "true" confessions, but those are all able to be known without me
telling you about them. I'm not saying you shouldn't repent of a bad
temper or careless words--it is absolutely necessary !--but I don't
think it should stop there. James 5:16 says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so
that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and
effective." The things that are eating you inside and out--the HARD confessions to make--are the struggles you're in right now.
Which, if you're like me, that's the last thing you want to share with
someone. I mean, couldn't I just confess big issues of the past?
Most people don't know that I used to cut myself. It was never super
severe--I was too scared that I would permanately damage myself and I
didn't want to have to talk to the parents about it--but it was really
tough back then. I only brought it up with about 4 or 5 people at the
time and God used them in a big way in my life. It doesn't make my
heart rate race over 250 bpm anymore while talking about it because
Christ set me free from that prison. The thing is, my past of cutting is not the area of my life that needs the healing--by God's grace that's done now and healed.
The genuine humble confession that Christ wants
from you and me--the kind that makes your heart go crazy, your pride
flushed down the toilet, and your head hang at the thought of
sharing--is the garbage that you're dealing with right now.
(Carrying garbage from the past counts as long as you continue to hang onto it.) It hurts to carry and struggle with stuff. We all know this;
it's not like this is big news. But, if you're like me, it's
absolutely terrifying to find an accountability partner and be real
with them. What's ironic is that I know why I get worried about it: I
don't want to lay down my pride and be weak. I'm scared
to call up my accountability partners at midnight and tell them that
I'm weak and struggling with pornography. The ironic part is that when
I actually do it and become vunerable to a trusted friend, I expect to
be hurt more and feel more ashamed than before, but the opposite
happens EVERY time--the burden gets lighter and healing starts. It has
never made sense to my human mind. I just know that's how it
goes--"confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that
you may be HEALED." The things that need to be confessed are the
things that need the healing--and it's usually the trash you're holding
onto the hardest.
What is frustrating is that I "know" all this
stuff. I know that you and I are broken, hurting people in some way
shape and form. We know where and how to get this healing; we know
we're supposed to cast our burdens at the foot of the cross and lift
each other up; we know we're supposed to let go and give everything to
Christ. And, well, I don't really have much of an excuse for doing
otherwise. I have the choice every day to hold onto things or let go
of things. I'm tired of going through the cycle of:
fall into
sin-->discouraged-->put up front/hide sin-->decide it's not
worth keeping concealed-->confess/pray/repent-->get hyped about
God-->go on emotional high for a week-->emotion wears
off-->run into temptation-->fall into
sin-->discouraged-->etc..
I hate that cycle--especially since
I continue to be in it. I know only God can get me out, and I know
that confession needs to happen before I'm going to be healed. I don't
know why--and maybe you feel this way too--I can't let go of my pride
and become vunerable and real before God and people.
I
was reading some Psalms the other night wondering what we would cover
for the last Tuesday Bible study for this semester. I read Psalm 32
and as I read it I almost fell off my chair (and I'm not joking). Not
to be selfish, but I'm pretty sure God put that Psalm in there for me  . Especially verses 3-5:
When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Selah Then
I acknowledged my sin to You and did not cover up my iniquity. I said,
"I will confess my transgressions to the LORD "— and You forgave the
guilt of my sin. Selah -Psalm 32:3-5
I looked around the circle at the last Tuesday Bible study meeting this
spring after sharing some of this stuff and I saw some tears and it hit
me AGAIN how stupid I've been. I have plenty of trustworthy brothers
and sisters in Christ who would love to help carry burdens to the
cross...why didn't I let go before? The longer you resist to give it
all--and I mean it ALL--the more it hurts. It's like turning in a late
assignment--it's still good that you did it, but it would have been so
much better if it had been on time.
I share this with you guys because I want to be real and I want to challenge you to not live
in a cycle of sin. If you want to be free and if you want to be healed
from all the pain, man up and be mature enough to get help. Don't be
like me and avoid the cure for your brokeness. Find at least one
person you trust and pray together, confess together, and repent
together. As long as you hold back even one ounce of your life from
God you will never experience freedom. I'm sick of holding things back
from God; I'm sick of being broken inside all the time. Jesus, take
what I don't have the will power to give You. Help me
let go.
| | |
| Forgiveness = ?I am struggling with an aspect of
forgiveness. How does one know that he has truly forgiven
someone? Saying, "I forgive you" means NOTHING to
me. I can say lots of stuff. I can say lots of
great ideas at Bible study; I can say all the Sunday school answers.
I can say I love God and that I'd follow Him to the ends of the
earth.
But it's meaningless if I keep saying it. There
must be some action required to prove that I mean what I say.
Jesus said that a tree is known by its fruit (Luke
6:43-45, Matthew
12:33). So, I would think someone's actions would be
able to authenticate their forgiveness. Saying “I forgive you”
doesn't count as an action. There has to be a bigger, more obvious
fruit that would tell me the truth about forgiveness.
That's the problem I'm dealing with.
I'm not certain I know what that fruit looks like. I thought I
knew—and maybe I do know—but I've interacted with some Christians
who seem to have a different view. I don't agree with them all the
way, but I'm human and maybe I'm the one who is wrong. (Maybe
we both are, who knows?)
To me, forgiveness is not a “been
there, done that” type deal. Since I like simple analogies, I'll
say it's similar to an addiction of any kind. Your goal is “to
quit” doing whatever it is you're addicted to. You set a goal,
seven days. When you accomplish that, you go for fourteen. Then
Twenty one. Then three months. Then six months. You make it six
months and go “I QUIT! I DID IT!” and, to celebrate, you go out
and take part in that previous addiction. Your friends come up to
you and say, “wait, didn't you quit doing that?” “Oh, yeah. I
quit. I went six months. I did it!” That's stupid; you haven't
quit! So you stayed away from it for six months, but you're back
again. You didn't quit it all the way. Now, maybe your definition
of quitting is going for six months then you can do it once and then
maybe go six months more...but that's not really “quitting”
exactly*. That's lowering your consumption of your addiction.
Either define your words or change your actions, but don't think
you've really quit. Relating back to forgiveness, you don't
“forgive” someone and then tell them (and yourself) you did it
and that you don't hold anything against them and you're all cool,
but in six months something reminds you of that offense and you get
mad all over at them for it. Have you really, really
forgiven them?
I
guess my response is the same as someone who said they quit their
addiction but continued to do it sometime afterward. Depends on your
definition. You may have quit for a period of time, but you can't
say you've “quit” now (assuming by quitting you meant removing it
completely from your
life).* So, no, you haven't really forgiven them. It's a continual
process. There may be a turning point where it becomes easier for
you to actually forgive them just like after you've quit your
addiction for several years it often becomes easier to continue than
when you started—but it is a continual process.
*(I
suppose I should grant that quitting an “addiction” may only mean
not doing it all the time or everyday. I guess I am thinking more
harmful addictions: drugs, pornography, unforgiving spirits,
etc.—things that should be removed completely from
the life of anyone who claims to be a follower of Christ. If you are
thinking of quitting an addiction to shoe shopping, texting on your
cell phone, or video games, then my analogy won't work. Those
things, in moderation and their basic form, are not inherently evil
(though shoe shopping comes close ). You can play W.O.W. a few
hours on weekends and I wouldn't call you an unhealthy addict.)
It's
like “being” a Christian—when you prayed and asked Christ to
come into your life you may say you “got saved” or whatever, but
it's what you do that
makes it real (James
2:14-26). You
did not pray and, poof, you're a Christian. You did it! No, you've
just started to follow Christ. You need to keep following the
entire way. You never get to
say “I did it! I quit my sin!” until your dead. Not only did
you “get saved” back then but you “are saved” today. My
favorite verse in Isaiah
(43:25) says, “I, even I, am he who blots out your
transgressions, for my own sake,
and remembers your sins no more.” I love it—it's all present
tense! God is willing to blot out my sins when I repent; He won't
ever bring them up as a charge against me since I've asked for
repentance. He's not going to let it get between me and Him and our
relationship, and I can't thank Him enough for that. When I step
back and think about that, I get excited (and you should too if
you're a child of God)!
So,
I'm trying to take that model of a perfect forgiveness and apply it
to my life and toward others, as I'm commanded to do (Ephesians
4:32). This is where it has gotten fuzzy with the previously
mentioned group of people in paragraph three: how does one act in a
forgiving manner and continue to love a brother/sister in Christ when
it would appear, to them, that the brother/sister has given up on
doing any repairs to the now broken friendship? This friend came to
me and explain part of the situation and spent fifteen minutes
defending themself and making it clear that the real problem was the
other person (they didn't use those terms, but that's what it sounded
like to me) and then finished with, “but, Joey, I have forgiven
them.” My heart sank when I heard the last part, which is what
inspired this post in the first place. I told them that, to be
honest, it wasn't easy for me to believe that they had really, truly
“forgiven” their friend after they brought up so many offenses
their friend had committed months ago. (In the “Love Chapter” it
talks about love keeping “no record of wrongs”--1
Corinthians 13:5) I can't judge hearts, but from the tone,
attitude, and words used I just couldn't actually
believe this person had forgiven them no matter who much I wanted to
believe that. I believe they thought they had and I believe that my
friend wants to
forgive their friend.
I'm
not sure I said the right thing, but I told them that I had trouble
seeing the forgiving attitude. From what I could see, the two of
them ignored each other and avoided each other at all costs. I
brought up the two passages from Matthew (5:23-24,
18:15-22)
about having something against your brother and vice versa. In both
cases, whether you're against him or he's against you, it's your
responsibility to make it right.
(I've never enjoyed that part myself because, um, I like to pass the
blame too  .) They told me that they had tried but the other
person didn't listen. “Now it's between them and God...” I
believe they put it. I told them that I thought they should not stop
their, but continue to try to make it right. Encourage them, help
them, be a friend to
them like they were before this mess.
Their
response was interesting to me. They said they could not “encourage
their behavior/actions” (not direct quote but the same meaning as
what they said) and, apparently, being friendly or giving high fives
or hugs or, dare I say, talk to each other was wrong for them to do
until this person repented.
“But I tell you: Love your enemies
and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your
Father in heaven...if you love those who love you, what reward will
you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you
greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do
not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly
Father is perfect. (Matthew
5:43-49)”
I
guess I didn't agree with that attitude. The passage we had been
talking about in Bible study earlier that week became so loud in my
head it was almost audible to outsiders “Be completely humble and
gentle; be patient, bearing
with one another in LOVE.
Make EVERY
effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace...”
(Ephesians
4:2-6; I only quoted v2-3, but read the whole section anyway  )
I mean, I can understand the idea of hanging out with a “good
crowd” so as not to become like them, but I have a hard time
believing this is quite like that. Jesus went to the sickest, most
perverted people—He ate dinner with them and hung out with
them!—because they needed help. He didn't wait for them to come to
Him. He told us to go out and do the same.
What's
embarrassing is, these aren't non-Christians fighting...these are my
brothers and sisters who are very, very dear to me and it has broken
my heart for months now (though since Feb-early March it was gotten
significantly worse). I've lost sleep over it, I've fasted about it,
and I've pray to God in tears over it (and continue to do so and beg
you all to do the same as you think of it). By this time my friend
(I think) had enough of me and decided they “had to go” and our
conversation ended with what seemed like little change of anything.
They “said” a lot of nice, Spiritual things and it sounded
good for the most part. It just
wasn't accompanied by appropriate actions (at least, what I had
thought to be appropriate actions). Maybe they went through the
motions of forgiving and letting go—and just took it back later. I
don't know—I don't really know anything come to think of it.
So, if
you still have time after reading all of that and would like to share
what I'm missing I would be glad to hear it. Do not ask me who is
involved, how many, where, what, and why because I'm not interested
in gossip. I'm simply using this story to help illustrate what I'm
struggling with. I want to know:
A)
What, do you think, is the fruit of forgiveness (or unforgiveness)
that I'm looking for?
B)
Where am I right/wrong with my current understanding of forgiveness?
C)
When is giving up on a friendship (among believers) over a dispute
“the right thing to do”?
If
it's too personal or you'd rather email it to me, that's fine.
Oh,
and please don't forget to pray. Lord's will be done! | | |
| *Increased horsepower!*You're just jealous 'cause they didn't pimp your ride...and put a Clip-clop on it
Yes. Eric, Travis, and Amber duct-taped a horse to my car in the Century parkinglot.
| | |
|
