| | The Irony of Genuine Humble ConfessionI was able to make it to two nights for the Bible Quiz Fellowship
National Tournament (it was in MN this year) and my friend Gary from
Mexico was able to drive up with some of my Mexican friends and his
pastor, Chayo, (who is awesome btw--we just have a small language
barrier). It is so refreshing to be around those guys...and super
convicting, too. My friend Tom (awesome cook who helps at Dellwater
for a week each year) was also there. I'm not sure anyone can be in
the same room as Gary, Tom, and Chayo and not feel blessed and reminded
how AWESOME God really is. They have amazing testimonies, attitudes,
and lifestyles and I pray that someday I can have that kind of faith,
love, and hope in God. I was helping Gary get some movies from his
laptop in his room while I was listening to them talk. The phrase that
really jumped out to me and stuck in my mind since then was something
like, "Every real revivial has always began with prayer, confession, and repentence. Having all three in abundance is essential."
That
line has been in my head ever since, and I agree with it. It makes me
think of when some of my friends would come to me and were all excited
about God after worship rallies or summer camps or missions trips,
etc.. They (and I'm included--I'm very much like this) will come and
tell me all about their experience they had with God and how amazing it
felt. Of course I'm glad to hear about it, but, at least in my own
life, I wonder how long that feeling will last. Don't get me wrong,
I'm not anti-emotional spiritual highs--I love them! It's just
that...there has to be something more to life changes than emotional
highs. Within three weeks you're back doing whatever you promised God
you would never do again. (At least, that's how it is for me.)
Emotional
highs are good, but I know from my own life that the biggest long-term
impacts came not from the emotional highs, but from the lows--when
confession and repentance was the most sincere. Most of you know that
I can brag up Camp Dellwater more than any other place. I've had
plenty of "highs" there--twelve weeks worth--but of all the years that
made the most difference, I distinctly remember my second year and
third year. My counselor Gary pulled me aside one night after the
ralley (prompted by God) and we talked awhile. It was there that I
learned about the power and freedom of confession and repentence. Next
year when I came to camp I was able to see fruit in my life. I've seen
this power in some of my friends' lives, too. One night a friend of
mine pulled me aside after worship ralley and told me that he had been
molested as a kid for many years by his neighbor and couldn't even tell
his family or friends about it and was sick and tired of carrying
garbage around in his life. I'd never seen him so weak and sincere in
my life--yet that was the most mature thing I've ever seen him do. He
ended our conversation with, "Joey, I want to-want to follow Christ...I
just don't know if I can fix up my life." It was in that moment of weakness when he open his heart up and exposed some of his greatest wounds that I saw him start on the path towards freedom and healing.
So, confession, prayer, and repentence (just noticed the acronymn is CPR) are needed for real life change. What, then, does true confession and repentence
require? I find it simple to admit generic faults: "I'm really, really
bad at basketball. I can't draw anything but a stickman--and that's on
a good day! I procrastinate pretty badly and I don't do all my
homework." I also find it relatively easy to admit generic "Spiritual"
faults: "I'm a very bad person; I'm horrible; I'm evil; I spit in God's
face everyday. I struggle to keep God as my first priority." Well,
duh, I'm human--you already know I'm a 'bad' person by definition of a
post-Fall-of-Man human. While it is critical that you know you are a
bad person and that you need the Savior, I think that confession is
more sincere in specifics. It's also relatively easy, for me anyway,
to admit very visable and well-known faults. For example, my tongue is
pretty sharp. I'm not being modest when I say that. Two weeks ago, in
front of 90% of the core members of AlphaOmega, I cracked and was able
to send a good friend off teary-eyed with about two or three harsh
sentences. I wanted the floor to eat me as soon as the words left my
mouth. I didn't mean it and thankfully our friendship is good so
things were made right within a few minutes--but my tongue is extremely
sharp. Though it is hard to admit to being weak to something like
that--especially when some people claim I only have nice things to
say--it's relatively easy for me to confess that I'm a hot-head because
it's....well, hard for me to hide all the time.
I guess I can't argue that those aren't "true" confessions, but those are all able to be known without me
telling you about them. I'm not saying you shouldn't repent of a bad
temper or careless words--it is absolutely necessary !--but I don't
think it should stop there. James 5:16 says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so
that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and
effective." The things that are eating you inside and out--the HARD confessions to make--are the struggles you're in right now.
Which, if you're like me, that's the last thing you want to share with
someone. I mean, couldn't I just confess big issues of the past?
Most people don't know that I used to cut myself. It was never super
severe--I was too scared that I would permanately damage myself and I
didn't want to have to talk to the parents about it--but it was really
tough back then. I only brought it up with about 4 or 5 people at the
time and God used them in a big way in my life. It doesn't make my
heart rate race over 250 bpm anymore while talking about it because
Christ set me free from that prison. The thing is, my past of cutting is not the area of my life that needs the healing--by God's grace that's done now and healed.
The genuine humble confession that Christ wants
from you and me--the kind that makes your heart go crazy, your pride
flushed down the toilet, and your head hang at the thought of
sharing--is the garbage that you're dealing with right now.
(Carrying garbage from the past counts as long as you continue to hang onto it.) It hurts to carry and struggle with stuff. We all know this;
it's not like this is big news. But, if you're like me, it's
absolutely terrifying to find an accountability partner and be real
with them. What's ironic is that I know why I get worried about it: I
don't want to lay down my pride and be weak. I'm scared
to call up my accountability partners at midnight and tell them that
I'm weak and struggling with pornography. The ironic part is that when
I actually do it and become vunerable to a trusted friend, I expect to
be hurt more and feel more ashamed than before, but the opposite
happens EVERY time--the burden gets lighter and healing starts. It has
never made sense to my human mind. I just know that's how it
goes--"confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that
you may be HEALED." The things that need to be confessed are the
things that need the healing--and it's usually the trash you're holding
onto the hardest.
What is frustrating is that I "know" all this
stuff. I know that you and I are broken, hurting people in some way
shape and form. We know where and how to get this healing; we know
we're supposed to cast our burdens at the foot of the cross and lift
each other up; we know we're supposed to let go and give everything to
Christ. And, well, I don't really have much of an excuse for doing
otherwise. I have the choice every day to hold onto things or let go
of things. I'm tired of going through the cycle of:
fall into
sin-->discouraged-->put up front/hide sin-->decide it's not
worth keeping concealed-->confess/pray/repent-->get hyped about
God-->go on emotional high for a week-->emotion wears
off-->run into temptation-->fall into
sin-->discouraged-->etc..
I hate that cycle--especially since
I continue to be in it. I know only God can get me out, and I know
that confession needs to happen before I'm going to be healed. I don't
know why--and maybe you feel this way too--I can't let go of my pride
and become vunerable and real before God and people.
I
was reading some Psalms the other night wondering what we would cover
for the last Tuesday Bible study for this semester. I read Psalm 32
and as I read it I almost fell off my chair (and I'm not joking). Not
to be selfish, but I'm pretty sure God put that Psalm in there for me  . Especially verses 3-5:
When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Selah Then
I acknowledged my sin to You and did not cover up my iniquity. I said,
"I will confess my transgressions to the LORD "— and You forgave the
guilt of my sin. Selah -Psalm 32:3-5
I looked around the circle at the last Tuesday Bible study meeting this
spring after sharing some of this stuff and I saw some tears and it hit
me AGAIN how stupid I've been. I have plenty of trustworthy brothers
and sisters in Christ who would love to help carry burdens to the
cross...why didn't I let go before? The longer you resist to give it
all--and I mean it ALL--the more it hurts. It's like turning in a late
assignment--it's still good that you did it, but it would have been so
much better if it had been on time.
I share this with you guys because I want to be real and I want to challenge you to not live
in a cycle of sin. If you want to be free and if you want to be healed
from all the pain, man up and be mature enough to get help. Don't be
like me and avoid the cure for your brokeness. Find at least one
person you trust and pray together, confess together, and repent
together. As long as you hold back even one ounce of your life from
God you will never experience freedom. I'm sick of holding things back
from God; I'm sick of being broken inside all the time. Jesus, take
what I don't have the will power to give You. Help me
let go.
|
