My Late Night Conversation with God

This is about as close to a written form of this conversation as I can do.  I was hesistant to post it but maybe it will mean something to you.  If you think of it, please pray for me about these things as I am struggling so much with them right now.

I'm tired God.  I don't think I can make it.

What's up?

Everything is falling apart.

'Everything'?

Pretty much.  I can't do it.

Does this 'everything' include Me?

I guess not...

You guess? Do you remember who you are talking to? Read the last chapters of Job and then look up at the stars. I don't think you quite remember Who you are talking to here. I don't guess. But I love you anyway, and that's why I'm here, as always. Care to share specifics of what exactly 'everything' is?

Oh, You already know it all. Why bother bringing it all up?

Because I'm interested; this is our special time. Besides, you know that you won't get too far without talking to me about it at some point. You've learned that lesson enough times by now. Would 'everything' by chance include finals, AlphaOmega, work, and her?

Yes, yes, yes, and definitely yes.

Tell me about them.

Well, I'm locked in for a C in one class, bombed a final on Monday, and need to get an A on the next to get an A overall.

You already forgot about the other two A's you have, the C is likely to be curved—as far as you know it might end up a B—and the other not one person finished completely and may be curved as well. On top of that, you already have the “cheat sheet” for the last final because your friend is taking it early and gave you a copy. If you're diligent you'll be fine.

I suppose that's good. But what about AlphaOmega? I messed up a lot this semester; I was the most forgetful president ever! I missed senate meetings, missed the deadline for a table at Woodduck Days, and couldn't get that speaker set up when You laid it out in front of me—we even had Muslims willing to come and interested in hearing the counter argument to their speaker!

You worked those nights and we had it covered most of the time, the club was not affected—you're getting a $200 budget raise for next year, remember? You could barely be at Woodduck Days anyway, and as far as the speaker goes, don't worry about it. I have a plan that no one can comprehend. Just listen to Me more and I'll tell you what to do.

I've been working take out since the new year and it is getting embarrassing at how poorly I can do it. I panic in the back.

You worry too much. Stop working for the praise of your supervisors. Don't worry about messing up; just take time to learn and not give up. If you do your best for My sake (regardless if is 'poor') you will be better off than if you simply give up now. Keep giving it to me and you'll find it really isn't so bad.

Yes, thank you Lord. I will give you all these things. Help me do it because I can't do it alone. We had a long talk about giving it all up and being real. Well, I've been trying to do that. I'll keep trying. Thanks so much for everything. In Jesus' Name-

Hold up.

What? I'm done with the prayer; I need some sleep.

Wasn't there something else?.

I would say no, but it's really hard to hide stuff from You, being omniscient and all.

Be real with Me.

It's the girl, Lord.

What's wrong with her?

Nothing with her—that's the problem. She's perfect.

I don't make mistakes.

Well, not perfect like You are...but You know what I mean.

Yes, I do. Tell me, why she is a problem?

Because she's taken Your place. A year ago I was walking on clouds and I thought I finally was at the top of the hill. For eleven months now I've been falling down that hill—and I'm still tumbling! It feels like I've hit the bottom with a thud but then I keep rolling! I know it's You. Only You could orchestrate so many events crashing together like that.

Do you know why My Hand was between you two?

I know You're a jealous God; You want me back because I am Yours and Yours alone. I'm tired of running away all the time and I'm sorry. I'm so hesitant to bring this to You because I know the answer is going to be “the best for me” and yet exactly what I don't want to hear.

What don't you want to hear?

You're going to ask me to give her up—You've been asking that for a year now.

Well, have you?

Sometimes I think so. I took took the background off my phone...and my desktop...and the photos by the bed...and the ones of the bookshelf...and the ones on the wall.

More or less; I had your mom do some because I knew you wouldn't. That's a start. What else?

I've avoided her for much of the semester in hopes that the empty feeling would go away, but it only got worse.

The reason I give people an empty hole in their heart is because that's My spot. She can't fill it.

I realize this. I always have but I continue to ignore it. When you challenged me to be real, I was real. You challenged me to put it all in the open, so I tried.

And what did you learn?

Well, my assumptions were confirmed. I know for a fact that she was avoiding me all year; she admitted that herself.

That was for your benefit and you know it. Her intentions were good, and she even said she was sorry for any hurt she caused by it—and meant it.

I know, and I don't blame her for anything. It's me who can't think when she's in the room; it's me who envies every guy who she interacts with because they have her attention and she gives them—not me—a smile. It's me who has the reoccurring dream about when we did a waltz together last year; it's me who continually replays in my mind the one hug she ever gave me. How much more pathetic can I get, God? It feels like I'm fourteen all over again. I let all the stupid things bother me and I'm sick of it. I can't even put my contacts in as well lately because my eyes aren't used to crying.

I know. It hurts. Do you know what to do?

Yes, and that makes it even worse. I want to give it all to You but my body refuses. I know that You're the only One who can fill my hole and raise me back to life but I continue to push You away. Why do I know all this and have so much trouble living it out? I want to be like my mom, Lord, when she was engaged to be married at age twenty. You intervened and stopped that; You told the man that she was not to be his and he honored her and You. Not only that, but he continued to love her as a sister in Christ and was very excited when she got married to dad. I want to hear someday that my friend is engaged to a man that loves the Lord and is going to bring her closer to You—the love of her life—and praise and thank You for it with all my heart because I will be excited for her!  It's just...that's not the case right now.   I'm a selfish brat; I want it all for me. And, it hurts to pray this, but please continue to break me. Crush every selfish desire in me—it's not welcome here. I'm sick of being so hard all the time; I'm sick of being into me rather than You. Soften my heart. Bring me to the desert so that I become so thirsty for You. Make me cry for You like I've never cried before.

Get some rest, Joey. Come to me again in the morning, afternoon, evening, and all the times in between and we'll talk some more. Even when you walk away I'm still waiting right here for when you come back. I do want you back, so don't give up trying. But always remember: I have loved you with an everlasting love which is way more than you think you love her. Try measuring how long, wide, and deep that love is. I will raise you up once again. Be still and know that I AM God and that NOTHING can snatch you out of My Hand.