| | "I Need You To Love Me"
Barlow Girl
Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You
[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me
I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me
Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been
So maybe this song doesn't entirely encapsulate what I am thinking and feeling. But somehow it's really poignant. The need is there, it's palpable.
I remember hearing Lisa play this a lot at our old apartment. And it takes me back. I am always amazed at how a SONG, how MUSIC evokes memories, can bring tears, can induce a smile. Music is so powerful.
I realized last night (maybe re-realized for the first time?) that I lived the longest with Lisa and Erika than I have ever lived with anyone, outside of my immediate family. (A month shy of) 2 whole years. Dang.
They saw me after the barrier of nice roommate comes down, the day in-day out of some difficult shit. That was probably the most volatile, confusing period of my life up to that time, I would say. A few crazy things happened in my life, and of course, some of the waste of that processing (and avoiding) affects those who are around me the most. That would be them.
Sometime I look back on that time, and I wonder how in the world they put up with me. Really. There were probably times they wanted to kick me out. There were times I wanted to kick ME out. There were times I wondered if they regretted asking me to live with them.
But the crazy thing is, I woudn't trade it for anything. Nothing in the world. Even though I fought it at times, there was no one I was supposed to be living with but them. Though I moved out 8 months ago, there are STILL things I am trying to process about that period. Somehow I think there are nuggets of truth about myself that I never would've learned except in that boiler room. Which I just don't understand. But then again, there are things I will never understand.
Though there were probably times we all hated each other, and didn't speak to each other, I can honestly say I love those girls. They are a part of me now, and no one can ever take that away. Just don't show me the video footage. I already know what an ass I can be! |
| | Posted 1/23/2008 9:46 AM - 9 views - 0 comments
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