kohlmine06's Xanga

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 06:40:30 GMT

Im feeling rough im feeling wrong in the prime of my life.

Lets make some music, make some money, find us models for wives.

Ill move to paris, shoot some heroin and fuck with the stars.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young

Weve got the vision, now lets have some fun.

We are fated to pretend.

I miss the play ground and the animals and diggin up worms.

I miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world.

I miss my sister miss my father, miss my dog and my home.

Yeah i miss the freedom and the boredom and the time spent alone.

There is really nothing, nothing we can do.

Love must be forgotten, life can always start over new.

We are fated to pretend.

I am hurt.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 22:47:34 GMT

So the Navy...Paid me 800 bucks to go out into the desert for 3 weeks....to play ping pong, sleep, eat, workout, and watch movies. Not a bad gig. My anger is gone. The feelings are still there, but the anger is gone. I sleep, for the most part, relatively well at night now. As much as i have done, and from all out what ive found, i still feel a part of me missing. Sometimes, with you not knowing, it kinda hurts. Sometimes, i pick up my phone, and pull your name and number up....and i wanna tell you what ive been up to...what ive accomplished, what ive failed, what im doing. And i wanna know too....what have you been doing? how are you? Whats new? But i know you dont want to talk to me, so i just hang up. Things are going as good as they can be right now i guess, but it just doesnt seem all quite right wihtout sharing these things with you. Its hot out here. 110 during the day, 90 at night. I feel evil going home, and not even driving by your house. But, this is life, and this is what we get sometimes. Things are going well, real well for the most part. Ive done all my complaining. This is what is left. I love my job.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 11:14:28 GMT

Road trip, Kenny Chesney, Brad Paisley, Northern Cali, Southern Cali, Lake Tahoe, Nevada, Casinos, Skydiving, Mt. Biking, Hiking, Beaches, Parties, Movies, Being Home, Spending time with her, Family, Church, Working Hard, Working out, Swimming....I could go on and on. For not having much free time, we sure can squeeze a lot into the weekends. So far, summers been great. Yet it still cant go by fast enough. No one is loving life more than me right nowwwwwwwww. Cant wait for the 4th of july. Think your clever? Think again. You missed something. Cant wait to get home again and see the woman and my boys

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Sun, 18 May 2008 09:51:22 GMT

Everything you are about to read....I had written beautifully in my head about an hour ago while having an in depth late night conversation with my roommate. But as usual, it probably wont turn out as good as what i thought up. Does it ever?

As of right now, at this point in my life...This stage, this place that im at right now, whatever that may be....

I do not believe in God. I believe in luck, i believe in chance, and i believe in what becomes of that. I believe i am very lucky, therefore, i take big chances. So far, i cant complain of what has become of that. I am a visual person. I know of the stories, of the records, and of the bible. I dont get many things right the first time. Never have, probably never will. I never learned things the easy way. Ive always repeated, and have learned the hard way. I believe something horrible will happen to me. And i like to think, that if there is a god, he will show me what will be. And because of my risks and chances taken in this only life i have been given, I think the only way is to die. I believe that I will. But I believe that i will have an experience where I die, and when i die, I hope that whoever god is will show me what is waiting, and what will become of me. And than i hope that i come back to life, so i can understand and know whether or not something actually happens to you after death, and that you are not just lying in the ground 6 ft into the earth, until the earth is no more. Right now, I am hoping, that at some point i do redline....hopefully see whats up there, and than come back to live a life of change in perspective. I will not change, but i will change a few things. That is, if my eyes see what will become when i die. He has thrown many curveballs my way, and ive knocked most of them out of the park. (thats funny because in real life i never could really hit a curve ball.) So, call this a challenge if you will. May not be the smartest thing to do, but, I believe it is the only way. I am not convinced. I need to experience this personally. And due to random late night conversations, im convinced it is the only way. I dont want to read it in books, i dont care what the records say, and i dont want to hear it from others. I need to see it. God if your there, prove it.

Call it dumb. But these are my beliefs, and that is how i feel.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Fri, 09 May 2008 07:24:38 GMT

There used to be a daily schedule. I had a routine. I may not have been the most happy with it...but i enjoyed it. As annoyed as i got, it still was normal to me. Now normal is just a word, rather than an action. Thats all this is. Words. Breeeeeaaaaatttttthhhhhhheeeeee. Im on track. 3 months. Than pinned. Than the door will be opened completely. As for now, ill keep my foot in it. just breathe...do...and accomplish.

If you want something in life, reach out and grab it. The end will justify the pain it took to get you there.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Wed, 07 May 2008 17:43:00 GMT

there is no heroism in this. there is no good move, bad move. There are no choices. There is what there is and all that is left, and thats it. Youve left me feeling empty and lost and i just dont know what im doing anymore. My mistakes get bigger everyday. Not much makes sense to me anymore. A lot of things came crashing down at once. But im glad your laughing. Have the last laugh. I deserve it. At least one of us is getting better. Baby, despite what facebook says, what myspace is doing, what anyone says....im more lost than ive ever been. And if we cant be together, ill be damned if i lose you as a friend. My moms dying...worse than ever. I dont have a home anymore. They bought a house in florida a few days ago. They move really soon. We broke up. Things just arent makin much sense to me anymore. I need you. At least as a friend. A close friend i hope. You cant just block someone out after over four years.

love,

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 10:06:14 GMT

So there is a point in life....when everything is so clear, but nothing makes sense. You work so hard, but you still go home at night and sleep alone. One mistake leads to another, soon, your tangled in a web. A web of lies. And it consumes you. You try to make everyone happy and the truth is you cant. No matter how hard you try. I never knew a heart could be so swollen....hurt this bad....and not make any sense at all. My mind looks down at my heart, and says, i know exactly what your feeling. But my heart looks up to my mind and says, what the hell are you thinking? And try as you might to make sense of everything going on around you....its just blurry. Its hard. Kohl your cold. You dont deserve much at all really. You probably shouldnt ever date again. You were on a desserted island for 35 days. Your now in alaska. Your going to be in the desert for a month. And than your going to war. No one can handle that. And than there is that mind of yours. Which always makes sense to you...usually...but no one else understands. Its hard to please everyone. Funny how much of your life you had planned out...how far in advance you had things set for. Now...its you, and you alone. And you are cold and lonely pursuing a dream that few even imagine of obtaining. Your status will be high, there will be a lot of gratification and many hand shakes and toasts proposed to you. You will be the life of the party. Despite all these things....you will still go to bed at night feeling empty. Screw your head on straight. Get a grip. And as someone once directed to you..."fucking grow a pair". Time for you to grow up kohl. Time for you to get things straight. Do what you want, but remember what matters most. That feeling of love will never go away, never die. And now you must possess that feeling without her. Grow up, and when ready, go get her. But do this as fast as you want....she wont be there. Probably ever again. Game over...you lost. And just like years ago, its your fault. You lost the one thing that mattered most. And now you will go through all over what you went through in 8th grade...9th grade...and most of 10th grade. Except now its 100 times worse. You had what a lot of people are searching for. And now its gone.

Sometimes, in this game we call life...you just gotta throw the game board, grab her by the arm, and runaway together. Now im running away from it, but alone, and so lost on where to go. The safety net is gone and you are dangling from the rope. You have no lifeline anymore. No one left to tell you everything will be ok. You are in this still, but you are in it alone and you have only yourself to blame. Fix yourself, and try again when your in it to win.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 01:48:29 GMT

He said its cold out here and im all alone.
didnt make the short go again, and im comin home.
I know ive been away too long.
I never got a chance to write or call
i know this rodeos been hard on us all
She said dont bother comin home
by the time you get here ill be long gone.
he said im sorry its come down to this
theres so much about you that im gonna miss.

If i were to write....on this blank white page right now....The words typed from my fingertips would blow you away. You wouldnt understand, you wouldnt know, you wouldnt get it. It would be something so unique and so intense, you would think that i copied it out of a book. The feeling i have...lonely. I havent experienced complete loneliness like this in over 4 years. I made the same mistake again. I lost again. Game over. Life lessons learned...the hard way as usual. I wont say im not gonna peak over my shoulder, but im not walking backwards. Its too fast right now. In a few months, ill be in the greatest struggle of my life. Now i can do it with a clear conscience. I can take that mission no one wnats to take because they have families and loved ones back home they want to return to. I wont have a future wife at home i will have to take into consideration. I wont have to think twice about taking that bullet for a buddy. And if i ever got the medal of honor, i would want you to have it.

Dont feel bad, right now, its just better this way i guess. Im sorry for everything, and hopefully someday, you can find that guy who will heal those holes i have put in there.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 08:26:54 GMT

Funny how things seem so simple, yet never have seemed so difficult? Welcome to my life. Its past midnight and i am in the coldest weather ive been in for over a year. im in alaska. Things here are great. This is the trip of a lifetime. Everything outside seems so clear....so easy....but in my mind....its like things turned into confetti and are being blown around. Part of me says....wait. It will come around. You need her. You are nothing without her. You will never love again. And the other part....which is very small....says....your a kid. you are at two completely different stages in life. you are both chasing dreams, and your just too far away. Than i think to myself...i may be a kid, but i grew up fast. were in two different stages, but weve always been at two different stages. Were both chasing dreams, but we push each other, encourage each other, motivate and help each other. Were doing well because we are each others safety net. I tried to give her a way out a year ago, she didnt take it. im so happy that she didnt. Now is another time in life. A much different time. The next time i leave, i may not come back. Things arent too well with us right now. They could be, but they arent.....they will be, but we might not have that time. Now here it is again.....I love you. Forever. But things are coming up soon. I need to know. In a few months, there might not be a next time. Heres your chance. Get out now, like i know part of you is thinking....or stay and figure things out. We often just forget what its like to be together sometimes because were so far away. However, i have tried all i can, now heres your chance. The choice is yours. I love you so much, however complicated this post may seem, i love you.

this world never seemed so small

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 03:31:45 GMT

its been a long time. Up until now i had forgotten how much this online journal really relieved me. I know no one really reads this anymore, but its a good way to vent and it makes you feel like someone out there might actually really be listening. I spent 10 days at home. I have been in california for 8 months, and it felt so good to be back home. Its bittersweet though. Coming home you always know that at some point, you will have to go back. I live for the day when i wont have to go back. The day where I can go to sleep next to my baby and hold her and not have to worry about leaving to go away the next morning. Save tonight. Thats all we can do. It felt good seeing my family, especially my mom. Seeing my girlfriend for 10 days straight was an amazing time. I got a good, long, overdue cry out. She is the only one i can do that around. Thats a comfort level thats hard to get to for me. Wendy, i need you. We went up to chads cabin, had a great time. I saw all my best friends, and all the people who matter most to me. I had a great christmas, and a great new year. I saw wendys apartment...I wish i lived there too. Its amazing. I was really impressed....the pictures dont do it justice. What a neat place. I loved it. I bought a truck. I had my lover ride shot gun right next to me, as close as could be at all times. Hand in hand, thats how i like it. I had a great time at home....

Now im back. Sunny California. big task in front of me tomorrow....and all of a sudden, im lonely again. I feel the hands of everyone at home pushing me forward, giving me that little extra somethin....but still....something is missing. There has been a gaping hole in my heart for months. for 10 whole days, that hole was filled. Filled by the love and touch and smile and smell and breath and body of someone who means everything to me. Now were 3000 miles apart again, and im suddenly cold and alone. If i could ask 1 thing, i ask this...wait for me. Dont ever leave me. I know its been hard, and at times fucking horrible. But dont give up on me. Your dreams are my dreams and for my dreams i need you. I need you. I need you. I need you. My compass is set and you are on the horizon. I see your face at all times. I see you smile and i hear you giggle. Life is so much better with you. so much sweeter with you, so much more worth living for with you. Big Fish. We dont fish wendy but thats what were after. Big Fish. Right now we both have that fish on the line, and although we are not there for each other in person, were both helping the other reel it in. I love you beyond all meaning of the word. I love you to no end. I love you, I love you, I love you. I dont go 5 seconds without thinking of you. Southern california has never been so cold. I love you. I want to cry. I miss you more than ever. Someday though, we wont have to worry about leaving in the morning. We can stay up together in bed all night, and sleep all day side by side, hand in hand, legs tangled together like the worst knot youve ever seen. Im living for that day. I love you angel, you were sent here for me. I believe that 110 percent. Im so much better for having you. I love you.