I watched Titanic tonight, alone, just curled up in my chair. I bawled for the last twenty minutes of it, and all I could think about is the Spill Canvas line:

Follow me into the sea
We'll drown together and immortalize you and me
Leave behind this lonely town (eternally)
We're both better than this, it's not worth being down (eternally)

I don't know what's wrong with me lately, but I'm working on figuring it out. My feet are terribly cold right now and I just want a goddamn hug.

And perhaps my checks would be nice. I overpaid the school about three hundred fifty dollars and they're being bitchy about giving it back. They returned a call I left two days ago this morning, then I got transferred to Housing, then Housing's Bursars office, who told me to go to Russell and talk to the Carolina Card office, who told me that they're working on it and I should be getting it soon.

Damn, I wish I would. I could go get my nose pierced then and be done with it. Not worry so much about it and how dead my mother will kill me.

Tomorrow I'll write about my epic morning and why I was woken up at 7am on a Wednesday for no damned reason.

I have about fifteen minutes before our hall meeting. So this is a quick one.

I'm rather confused. Because I just got a text from a boy who knows who he is, saying "I could love you".

A) Who would fall in love with me?
B) Why would you want to fall in love with me?
C) Both A & B combined.


I'm terribly muddled now, because I don't know what to do. It's not like I don't care about this boy, but my last long distance affair went terribly awry. I'll be back in NH for about a week or two this winter and that's all.

I don't want a long distance thing. I like you, I could love you, but I don't need this now. I don't want a relationship. I'm not getting into a relationship with anyone. There were a multitude of reasons why I broke up with Steve, one of the biggest being that I need to grow on my own, independent of any man. I want to know what makes me happy, what I like doing for myself. I spent over three years with someone just because I was afraid to hurt him and in the end I did anyway. I don't want that to happen again. And it will, I know, if I try to commit myself to someone who lives so far away from me.

I want to be able to wake up next to you in the morning. I want to cook you dinner, see your smile, mess up your hair and feel your arms around me when I need a hug. And I don't just want that for a week or two, I want that, need that, all the time. That's who I am, how I am, and I want to be sure of the man that I'm with before I get into that.

And really, I'm not even sure of myself.

Got Breaking Dawn today. Used my textbook money to do it.

And I just finished it. I read for about two hours solid when I got it, about an interspersed hour between getting dressed, and then two hours once I got back from Lip Synch.

So yeah. Beat that mother fuckers.


Lip Synch was pretty great, sans our CD skipping in the middle of the performance and fucking our Boot Scoot and Boogie off. We got the Ashlee Simpson award though, for best synching (pity award, anyone?).

I miss Matt.

&& my joints ache like I just ran ten miles, so I'm off to bed and hoping I feel better en la manana.