krissytin16's Xanga

When It Rains, It Pours

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 22:54:13 GMT

About a month ago, my husband was in a motorcycle accident. He had the right gear on through, not just shorts and a t-shorty so many nutty people wear. So, he needs a new helmet (which saved his life!), new leather short, and whatever he had on that day. They had to cut his clothes off while he was in the trauma unit. He had to have surgery for his knee, which was cut open down to the bone, which chipped a little. So they cleaned that out and sewed him back up. His right arm was in a cast until today, and now he just has a have a little splint on it. He's allowed to take that off as he feels comfortable. It has been about 1 month since his was admitted to outpatient therapy.

I'm so glad we set up some guidlines for stupid things like chores and what not, before we got married. I hear other people have spats or argue over the stupidest thing, like who's turn is it to do the dishes. He helps me carry laundry upstairs, because I can lose my balance at any moment. Stupid drugs!

So the rain turned into pouring rain, it was mom who was in the hospital. This time it was her husband who called me. Apparently, her pain wasn't just a normal: she had a liver infection and gall stones. still went to group, because I could give some something more than by staying home and isolating. So, I chose to go to Al-Anon, because it was very comfortable, and it was nice to talk to people with basically the same mental health issues. I'm going to try to find more Al-Anon groups, or go to a support group through NAMI. I am going to need a broader support system and try to meet more friends before I'm discharged from the Adult Program.

I am blessed, however, that my mom will recover quickly and 100%. The other good news is that my husband bends over backwards to try to please me. We each have our own hobbies and such, but we are also best friends. I'm glad I have such a great mom that I can talk with about whatever.

So, here's to brighter future!!!

Lonely again

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 18:01:32 GMT

Sometimes- well, most of the time- I feel so lonely no matter how many people are around me. It helps to be in an outpatient therapy program right now, so I'm in a group of people where pretty much everyone feels alone. It helps to know I'm not, and that there are others who feel the same kind of pain I feel. It definitely stinks that anyone has to feel that way, but it's still good not to be alone in it. I'm tired of feeling so weak and pathetic, even though I would never call another depressed person such horrible things. But, that is how I feel. I miss my old self that was so determined and strong and still had dreams and a purpose in life. Now I just don't know what's going on. I feel like the future is even more confusing and elusive than ever. I mean, I know the future will come, but I just wonder with apprehension what it holds for me. I may never become a mother (most likely won't), and I'll not likely finish my MSW and become a therapist, and I don't know if I'll ever hold a position of pastoral care at the church. I try to just trust in God for Him to lead me to where I'm supposed to go, but it's so hard. Everything right now is just so hard.

I eat too much.

Fri, 23 May 2008 23:31:12 GMT

Why am I hungry so often? Is it because I'm trying not to overeat? It seems like watching what you eat is really an evil trap to fat-dom. Right this moment I don't really care, but the next time someone looks at me, I will. That really stinks. I hate being so self-conscious, and I honestly try not to be, but it's so difficult. I've stopped exercising for, like, the past 3 weeks or something. I was on a good roll, but I fell off the horse. Or wagon. Whatever. I am going to start exercising again! It feels good! Even if it sucks! Hooray!

"Motorcycle" and "whoops" should not be in the same sentence.

Wed, 21 May 2008 00:51:26 GMT

So, here it is, almost 7 days since my husband's motorcycle accident. He has gotten much better, more mobile, since then. He is learning to do a lot of things with his left hand, including very slow typing (he's normally quite fast). I am so grateful that the accident wasn't worse that is was. He was on his motorcycle, and was changing lanes from the left to right, because there were really slow cars blocking the left lane. (This was on a highway, of course.) All of the sudden a delivery-type truck was right in front of him. He had seen it, but he said he misjudged his speed, the truck's speed, and the distance he thought he had. He tried to swerve to miss the truck, but his bike hit the back corner, bending the bumper under the truck and crushing Jim's right hand. Then his bike hit a car, and the brake handle went through the side of it, tearing a hole in the side of the car and sending Jim flying through the air. He hit the ground hard, snapping the visor off his helmet and stratching it all up. I thank God it wasn't his head that sustained those blows. He got a deep gash in his right knee, straight down to the bone where the patella was chipped. He had to have surgery to clean out those two major wounds and get him stiched, screwed, and taped back together. When I got the call, I was in complete shock. I had a long drive to the hospital (almost an hour, should have taken 40 minutes, but the stupid traffic!).

Jim spent two and half days in the hospital and was then allowed to come home. Thankfully we live in a rancher, so he doesn't have to keep going up and down steps. He's allowed to walk with an immobilizer on his leg, but he can't use or put any pressure on his right hand/arm. He may have also temporarily dislocated his shoulder during his bouncing across the highway. Fortunately there was no one behind these people on the highway, so he didn't get run over. He is really lucky to be alive, and to have come out of it with somewhat minor injuries. His hand might not heal correctly and then need another operation or two, but hopefully it heals fine.

I am having a bit of a hard time dealing with all of this. He's usually the strong one; now it's my turn. I didn't cry that day until I got home late at night, had a panic attack and cried for awhile. I think I was just in shock and then was busy worrying about him all day that it didn't really hit me until then. I pray that I can stay strong for him and his healing is quick. We can only wait and see.

My Temporary Pringles Addiction

Tue, 13 May 2008 04:46:47 GMT

It is 3:57am. I've been up for awhile now. I ate some breakfast and even played a quick game of Farkel with Jim. He went back to bed and I'm sure is already asleep. I decided I wanted to eat some Pringles (original flavor). I had forgotten how much I like them, since I rarely eat potato chips and such. Oh, my! They are so delicious! I ate 1/3 of the can, and then I forced myself to put the lid back on the top. They are, however, on the table next to me. I want to open up that can of crisp potatoey goodness and munch away. It's now 4:04. I've been Pringle-free for 7 minutes now. Somehow that doesn't seem like enough time to kick the habit.

Update: 4:44am- the Pringles have been gone for a few minutes now. Yes, I ate them all in one sitting. I have never done that before! I ate two crisps last night, and the rest this morning. Holy crap.

Pills, Docs, and Paper Gowns

Mon, 05 May 2008 12:11:22 GMT

Today I have another doctor appointment. I had two last week, plus an appointment for therapy. It seems I usually have 2-4 doctor appointments a month, always trying to keep on top of my crappy health. I try to eat well and exercise, but I still get sick. I think part of it is the side effects of the pills I have to take for anxiety and depression, plus my underactive thyroid, migraines, and stomach problems. I am not trying to complain about being sick- I'm just sick of it! I miss being "normal," even though I've been a sickling most of my life, especially after age 15. Oh, well. It is just how it's going to be, I suppose. My conditions are chronic, so unless someone comes up with a cure, I'm stuck with what I've got! It sure could be worse, though, and I'm thankful it's not. Well, I had better go get ready for my appointment.

Letter to My God

Sat, 03 May 2008 23:20:48 GMT

At Easter my church had a prayer vigil. I got hit with a migraine the day I had signed up for, so someone went in my place. I did, however, spend "my hour" praying at home. I was having trouble concentrating on just praying silently or out loud, so I decided to write it down. Yes, it's kind of long. Here was the result:

Today my church is holding a prayer vigil. Well, it lasts for 33 hours, actually, so this is the middle of it. I am trying to pray and read Your word, but I keep getting distracted. So here I am, back to my old method of writing/typing. I am thinking about what I read in the books of Romans, and it baffles me, even though I already knew the information. It is just difficult to actually feel it. When I think that all my sins are forgiven because thousands of years ago a righteous man died on the cross, and then came to life again three days later, I can barely fathom such a thing. To know that accepting Christ means that my sins are not the actual me, but a sinful nature within me, is a lot of information to take in. I often wonder if my sins are too large or too many to be forgiven, but according to Your word they are not. I pray that I can accept this peace into my heart, to know and feel that I am forgiven. It has been especially difficult lately while working through a deep depression. I ask for forgiveness, Lord, for not seeking you during that time. I felt like I did not deserve to do so. I know in my heart that’s not true, but there again is the battle between the heart and the mind. It’s a difficult struggle for me, as I’m sure it is for many people. I pray for those people as well, that they know You are there with Your arms open wide, asking us to come to You with our troubles. It is an overwhelming type of love, all-consuming and yet not more than we need. We need it all. Every bit of forgiveness you offer is what I would like to accept. From my past until now, I wish for You to heal me Lord, to cast out every bit of darkness and fill it with life, to remind me every second that this life I lead is for You, to show Your grace and mercy to others on this earth. I want to love You by loving others, as this is your command. Through serving others I can feel Your love within me. It is the best feeling to know You are right here and I’m never alone. So often I feel lonely and forget to seek You; this is one of my greatest faults. This is something I would like to change about my sinful nature, and the evil work that Satan attempts to do within me. I do not want to be his slave. I want to be set free again through Your grace, the same way You saved me that day when I as 16. I felt the most amazing and complete peace in my heart. It was unlike anything I had ever felt before. I poured my heart out, tears flowing down my face, my knees aching from bowing down for so long. And then Your love descended upon me, and I knew my life had been changed forever. Over the years, I know I have been all over the place as far as sins and faith go, and I have not been a faithful servant for much of that time. Now I want to rededicate myself to You, right now through this letter. At the end of a church service when the pastor gives the benediction, he often says, “Go in peace. May one day the Lord say to you “Well done, my good and faithful servant. Enter now into the kingdom of heaven.” I want to feel like he is speaking directly to everyone in that room, including me. I want to be a good and faithful servant to you. Please direct me on how to do this, Lord, because right now I just don’t know. I feel lost and frustrated a lot of the time, because I can’t control the future, and I think by worrying about it, I can control it. I know I can’t. I know it is all Your work in Your time, and I just have to prayerfully follow You. I must rededicate my life to You. Here I am Lord, here I am. I’m Yours again, wholeheartedly. Please help me to remember that, to seek You, to walk hand-in-hand with You. When I stray, please pull me gently back to Your side.

Today was a long day.

Sat, 03 May 2008 01:23:57 GMT

The featured blog on depression really got to me. Well, the blog itself did (I can't imagine that kind of heartache!)as well as many of the comments that were made about it. I've only stopped social work a few months ago, and I had already forgotten just how incredibly ignorant people are towards it/about it. It made me angry then, and it got me all rawled up this morning! I think I spent almost 3 hours reading and responding to comments on that blog. I was so upset I even told my therapist about it. She too found it pretty sad that people are so cruel about mental illnesses. I mean seriously, if psychology was only a "pseudo-science" and psychiatry was a scam, then why are so many people benefitting from them? I would most likely be dead right now if I had no professional care and support like I do. Oh, I have to stop thinking about this! People are always going to be ridiculous, because that's just how we all are. I just wish that horrible stigma would go away and more people would understand and that those who need help get it (without worrying about what everyone will think!).

As I previously mentioned, I had therapy today. It's the cognitive-behavioral type, faith-based. I like my therapist a lot, because she challenges me. She doesn't just say, "oh, poor you," and then move on to something else. Her empathy is genuine, but so are the wisdom and tools for coping that she shares with me. I see her every week, and don't plan on stopping any time soon. I'm sad to say I'm still having a lot of problems, and I just don't see that light at the end of the tunnel yet.

I feel guilty about having such little hope about this. My faith tells me to trust in God, that He does all things for good for those who love Him, that He has a plan for me and will heal my aching heart through the power of the Holy Spirit. I know this, but too often I don't feel it. It's a leap of faith, but I also need that hope back that I had before I was sick this time. I've never been this bad, even having dealt with anxiety and depression before. This time is the absolute worst, and it is far worse than anything I'd ever experienced. It feels like a trap, like standing on quicksand. I have to keep climbing upwards- or face the consequence of drowning. I don't want that. God also says that the best thing for a man (person) to do is to be happy and do good while he/she lives. I have to keep telling myself that, and I hope that one day it will simply be an automatic thought. The is hope and grace in Jesus Christ. He does not abandon, He does not reject. He understands because He's been in our shoes, walking this earth and feeling all of the pain and hardships and joys that we do. That's how we can trust the He is truly faithful. I think this is beginning to sound like a sermon, or perhaps it sounded like that from the beginning. ;) That wasn't my intention. I'm kind of just thinking out loud to make myself feel better, realizing that the Truth in life is far greater than whatever else life holds.

Ugh! I have to go to sleep. I'm exhausted. Oh, and I decided to give the sleeping pill another try. I think it's kicking in. Let's see how long I can sleep tonight! Yea!

Friday

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 23:08:27 GMT

This has been an interesting day, I suppose. Jim went to a cook-out at our friends' house, and I was supposed to go, too. Unfortunately I got a horrible stomach ache and ended up in bed after taking a Vicodin. Yes, the doctor gave me that for the pain. Trust me, I need it! I get terrible pains that make me double over. Fortunately I feel much better now. I just missed out on going out. I think they'll have another one in July anyway, so that's so that is something to look forward to, I guess. It will be our one friend's birthday, and she ALWAYS has a party. I thought of having a party this year, just a group of people to hang out, eat our food, and maybe play games or something. I'm not a "party person" as it is traditionally interpretted, but I like get-togethers sometimes. I try to be socialable or something to that effect. Woo hoo! Um, yeah.

So, my new job went really well this week. I'm totally digging it, and I hope I get to stay there, either in my current position or another one. Our church is growing and they're adding staff, so we shall see! I'm sure the Lord has something fantastic in store for me, because that's just the awesome God He is.

Holy crap! It's a thunderstorm! Aren't I supposed to unplug all our appliances or something, or do I just shrug and say, "That's why we have insurance!" Ha, ha! I don't know. I've known first hand of someone whose tv's and such all got fried during a bad storm. He was actually happy, though, because the insurance company pays for the replacement cost. You know what that means! Hooray to new TV's! And hooray for the sales that allow you to actually upgrade, rather than just replace. How sweet.

My father- and stepmother-in-law went to Florida last week. Here's a crappy photo he took with his phone while the alligators weren't nipping at his heels:

I'm going to go write some more stuff somewhere. Tootles!

Earth Day/Anniversary

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 00:57:17 GMT

Hooray! It is Earth Day, the day on which I was married to Jim two years ago. I was just thinking about all of the weird/shocked looks we got when we told people we were getting married. After all, we had only been dating for about 2 months, and planned to marry 3 months and 1 day after our first date. Yeah, it was fast, but we just knew it was right and thought, why wait? My mom made a half-smarty, half-serious comment like, "Just see how you feel in a couple of years from now!" So last weekend when we went to visit her, I mentioned our anniversary was approaching. I reminded her of what she had said, and told her I felt pretty darn good about everything! Accepting Christ as my Savior was the most important thing in my life. Marrying Jim would be the second most important. I am a very blessed woman. I love being a wife to a good man. I almost got married once before, but that would have been a terrible mistake. The guy was a bum. But I never have to think about that again, because I have my Jim!