| | Comfort is NOT my Fucking FriendWhy can't I get that through my mind?
Let me explain. This last week, my friend got back from a missions trip he did on his spring break at an orphanage in India. He's been a missionary for as long as I've known him (almost 5 years) plus some, but going to this orphanage rocked his world. Talking to him this morning made me think about all the things I take for granted, all the different ways I've found to waste time, how comfortable I am, and what I could be doing differently. Since this whole conversation happened over IM, we only got to talk so deep. He's gonna give me a call from Korea (where he works as a missionary full time) tonight. Said it would be challenging and make me think about my priorities. Which is good, because a lot of times I think I'm too damn comfortable, spiritually. Then I thought about it and asked, what time he was going to call. Around 9, he told me. I'm a bastard, because despite all these earth-shattering revelations he's had that I'm genuinely interested in, what was I thinking about?
Missing an episode of Lost.
He thought that was really funny when I mentioned it to him, and told me he'd call right after the show (he's a Lost junkie, too), but still, it feels kind of fucked up to me. What are my priorities? My family, of course. My friends. Writing. Work is there, somewhere far below. I typically don't list my relationship as God as a priority, because I feel like it sets me up for failure and instead of giving it a number, I think it should be the foundation all my priorities are set-up on.
I'm telling you this because I'm genuinely a little bit frustrated with myself. Not because I feel like I've done anything wrong per se, but because I feel too damn comfortable. I'm not talking about contentment here -- there's a subtle distinction between the two. Contentment would mean I'm happy with my choices in life (which I think I am, generally speaking). And maybe not all comfort is bad (comforting others and others comforting you is one of God's finest gifts), but I'm talking about the kind of comfort that pacifies me, makes me forget, makes me fucking lethargic.
Examples: I'm frustrated with some of the things happening at the church we go to, so we don't go to church as much. Fine. I'm not really talking about ministries at church, because I feel like a lot of those committees aren't really doing anything and would only add to the problem. But I can't even be bothered to read my Bible. Not so fine with that . And I'm really not doing anything to push myself out of that comfort zone, and to be honest, I think comfort is to some degree my enemy. I live in Los Angeles. There's tons of stuff going on, people who need a meal or a kind word. But I'm too busy with everyday life.
I have no real idea how to solve this problem. Fairly certain dropping off of the face of the world isn't the answer, so don't worry about that. You're all stuck with me for a little while longer. But I know this is an issue. There should be an inherent conflict in my life, between my soul and my body. I think that conflict is the essence of my faith. But right now, I don't feel that conflict. And that really pisses me off.
I guess that's a starting point. |
