My complex fucked it up

Things were apparently going well with Will, but my "no one likes me" complex kicked in again and fucked it up. (Bangs head against door, then bangs head against bedpost, then screams and feels worthless).

Thing I facebooked to him:

   Hey Will,

        Sorry about how I acted, it was a classical obsessive compulsive moment of mine. It's just that I've never been in a long relationship (I consider two weeks really long), so I freaked out when I found someone that I really liked. 1 day without talking seemed like a sign that you weren't interested because that's just how it always was for me in New York. Gay men scare me lol, I don't know how they think (funny, considering I AM ONE!). Relationships in general is still a new thing for me.

        I guess just a few things to get straight (haha no pun), this is more to clear my mind than anything else. I didn't want you to think that I was obsessing over you, because I wasn't, I was obsessing over the possibility of a long term relationship. It appears that being obsessive is my bodily response to things that I fear. I made up so many stories about things you did and didn't do, as I am known to do. I spoke for you, instead of asking you outright was was going on.

        Leave it to me to work up a drama in record time of knowing someone lol. My flaws are apparant, but they never control my interactions with people except on rare occasions where i begin to like someone. I really suck at this trying to explain myself thing, so bear with me here. I ramble on when I could probably sum up what I want to say in a sentence.

        You can probably tell from the discussion we went to tonight that I have insecurities about myself. These little insecurities sometimes lead to me to expect the worst from someone's intentions. i expected the worst from you, I never really had anyone be interested in me, I've always gone out of my way to date someone (well at least that is what it's felt like).

      I think I'm beginning to formulate what it is that I really want to say. I wish I knew how to act properly in showing someone that I like them. I kinda wish I also had some experience in that field, but I don't. I'm one big klutz. If dating was dancing, I have two big left feet. There's another little story in my head now (maybe it might not be a story), that is telling me that I missed my chance with you and friendship is the only option.

      I'm not going to lie, I would love to get to know you as someone more than a friend, but the point of this writing to you is for me to clear my emotions and my head. Maybe we could do the little small tiny innie winnie little detail of going out on a formal date, no strings attached. If not, well than that's that, I can get sad for a few days, and then get over it. That's life.

      So I'm trying to think of anything else that I had to say. That's it. The only other thing I can say is that I'm at least happy that I had the courage to facebook you, that in itself was a huge step for me lol.

- Kevin

There's always a first

  So I imagine that the last 48 hours was my first real screwup relationship wise in college. Moved too fast with this guy named William Rodriguez (see if that name means anything 5 years from now). We made out on the 1st "date", then it just got weird after that. He seemed to be purposefully avoiding me, almost actively trying to get it across that he wasn't interested. He still hasn't said it though, which makes it so confusing!

The avoidance was a killer, but whatever, I'm not going to bitch about a guy I've only known for 48 hours. I was hoping he'd be interested, I liked him, but whatever. I'm not even sure if he wasn't interested at that, that's how vague he is when I talk to him.

You think that his bitching about relationships when we first hung out would have been a warning sign for me, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt being the first time I met him in person.

That's been a damper on my day, but otherwise I've felt very cozy. One thing about work at American is that you never ever catch up to your work. It keeps on piling on and on, especially for my perfectionist self lol. It's not stressful for me, because I really have planned it out, but I just love to get work done in advance.

I started organizing for the AIDS walk today. I feel very optimisitic about it. It might be my way of proving my organizing skills to the GLBTA activists on campus lol. What is it with my and the constant need that I have to prove myself?

My activities reminded me of how contributive I can be towards others, and that moping over boys who don't give you a second's thought is the stupidest most emo teen thing you can do. I deserve better, and I'll find better.

I saw V for Vendetta today, which also fueled my thoughts. I sat next to this guy who I swore flirted with me. I wish I flirted back now lol, but coulda shoulda woulda lol. Thank god for Methodists (the ones who sponsored the event).

I'm going to go to bed now, because every day brings the possibility that I might find someone to go through this world with. I'm hoping tomorrow's the day!

First Day of Classes

If one ever wonders why it is so amazing to be a college student, here's why. This time in life is a perfect blend of youthfulness, freedom, opportunities and growth. It is the most productive time of a human being. The classes in college are more interesting, and the school days are much shorter. One can leave and come as they please, hanging out in the city, or just in their dorm hall.

I had my first macroeconomics class today, you know, that class which teaches you how the world works and how we survive. It is such a huge class, which makes me dissapointed. The class just screams impersonal, but at least the teacher is organized, nice and interesting. We'll be "traveling"- as the professor put it- from the paleolithic era (where humans were nothing but hunters and gatherers) to the cybernetic revolution today (crazy term used to describe our world today lol). He shocked me with some of his facts, like how African-American men... AMERICAN citizens... live an average life that is less than the average life expectancy of a man in one of the poorest countries in the world, Sri Lanka.

He reminded me today that economic conditions influence social conditions, and thus the way that we think. Thus, economics is inherently linked with my interest in social activism.

My other class today was Views from the 3rd World. I am indeed very excited about this class. My writings on the 3rd world are some of my most favorite writings ever. The entire class exemplifies what I wish to make my life about, learning about the perspectives of the disadvantaged and exploited. I feel my life's calling in that class, and it feels so good to recognize that feeling.

I started planning for the AIDS walk today, and I am so excited about it. I cannot wait to hang out in the GLBTA office a lot. I will practically live there. My activism is kicking in again. It is arising after a summer of complacency. I embrace it with open arms. And now the time comes when I must sleep and wake up for yet another day of classes. Wish me luck. Ciao guys.

Life Is This

Life is this. It is nothing exciting, nothing horrible, nothing especially glamourous. Life is this. It is what you possess as long as you breath, as long as you are sentient. Life is this, what you do with it is everthing.

Waking up in a different room after being sexiled for the weekend made me jealous. I love Jason- my roomate- and Bobbo- his boyfriend- but they always conjure up this image of ugliness that I see myself as. I live, walk and interact with people with this feeling of unworthiness and ugliness. It pulls at me every day, and hides cleverly behind my gentle smile and good manners. Behind the image of me as a people person, I am someone who craves love, and never feels that he gets it. My daily mood swings from happy and energetic to depressed and tearful.

College has begun, and I'm struggling to create sense from a new way of living. The people that I now call friends are the most accepting bunch I know. My floor has bonded more than I ever have with my family, and my family is indeed close. To say that I feel alone is not accurate, I just feel as if I am alone in the romantic sense. I've reached over half the year without dating, and its tearing me to pieces. I want a relationship because it is for me an anchor, almost a sign to remind me that I am not unworthy or ugly.

My roomate and his boyfriend are the cutests couple I have ever seen. Both are fit, white gays with good looks. I hate them for that, I am so jealous. I'm still going through this phase in which I am accepting my skin color. My skin color is one of the biggest definitions of who I am. I have intense pride in my South Asian heritage and my identity as a minority. At the same time I cringe whenever I think of how many gay guys write me off before they get to know me because of my skin color.... wow... wait... read that sentence again and then continue......

....one thought later....

  Why would I ever want guys who think like that? My skin color is a blessing because it keeps those type of men away, while leaving others open. This thought just came to me, and it seems like I should have noticed this all along. My identity is one of a giver, a nurturer, but also ones who desires to be provided for and nurtured. In essence, perhaps every human being shares this personal preference, but our actions and way of living rarely show this. Some refuse to show their emotions, others help others without having any consideration for their own well-being. These imbalances are life. We spend all our lives learning how to show how we feel, when really that was the only lesson that we came into this world with.

Life is art. Life is so beautiful and yet oh so frustrating. It is a bitch and it is a Godsend. Life is this. Life is this. Life is this.