Here is yet another true story - it is an older story from my archives, but it did actually happen. It is unfabricated and another example of how funny life can be.

So there I was, practicing my clarinet around 1030pm at school on the only floor of the practice building with windows. The room I was in had about 40 feet of windows. I had an audition coming up, so I was just going through all of the rep on the list: mostly short orchestral excerpts. It got to be about 1150pm and all of the the sudden, three faces appeared in one of the windows.

There was a girl and two guys. I looked over and they said, with a twang of drunken splendor, "Keep playing, serenade us, can you come open the window?" So, I humored them and went over to the window only to find that I could not open it, so I tell them sorry, but they insist that I keep playing. I say to myself, what the hell, these guys are wasted and probably don't know much about classical music anyway, so I play a few excerpts and they clap and ask me to play something else, "from the heart" making a special request for music from Mr. Holland's Opus - which I don't know at all. At this point, I decide to play them the opening to Rhapsody in Blue by George Gershwin - for those that don't know it, find it online or rent Fantasia 2000....it's pretty hip.

This particular excerpt includes a schmoltzy glissando that any clarinetist tries to milk for all the sexiness that they can. I began playing and as I hit this glissando I see out of the corner of my eye that the girl begins stripping off her shirt and was waving it around above her head a la exotic dancer. Yes, she ACTUALLY did this, I could barely contain the laughter, but I finished the excerpt, blushingly looked over and she said, "I'm sorry, it sounded so sexy that I just couldn't help myself!" While laughing so hard that I am nearly peeing my pants, they ask me to play it again, so I do. The girl continues waving her shirt above her head and then prompts the guy to do a sultry strip dance too.

Upon finishing the second performance, the second guy says, "You are so sexy, will you marry me?" then the other two say, "You're a rock star, you're going to be famous! You rule!" I tell them to go to the bars and drink more and the girl introduces herself and says, "Seriously, that is the best music I have heard in 12 years."  Then they leave.

I am still laughing my ass off when I inevitably get kicked out of the building by the janitor because the building closes at midnight. But apparantly, the janitor witnessed the whole thing and was also laughing his ass off. He told me how drunk they were and that they were listening to me play for about 30 minutes and dancing around under the window before they even showed their faces.

So here is yet another tale of the humors of everyday life. It is also the story to how I officially unlocked the secret to getting girls to take off their shirts: alcohol + schmoltzy clarinet solo = half naked women.

Well, it's been a while since my last blog, and right now, I am only blogging because I am in a state of panic. I am a perfectionist. I have known this for a long time. I set really high standards for myself and if I ever fail to meet them, then I am harder on myself than a drill sergent on a new soldier.

I have recently had a moment of not meeting my standards, well, rather not meeting the standards of my day job. My job is a simple one, really. I am an agent, so my job consists of making sure that everyone is following the laws and that those who aren't are being sought out and held responsible. Sometimes, when I am doing an investigation for instance, my job can get a little tough trying to decipher what is being done illegally and how to go about catching all parties involved. It also can get tough, and rough, if, when finally making an arrest, someone decides to become violent. But in both cases, I have been trained and know how to handle myself. I keep my standards high, making sure I resolve issues quickly and efficiently.

However, I have just done something absolutely stupid. One of the easiest parts about my job involves ensuring that things are secure. Like buildings, confidential infomation, and important people. Easy stuff, honestly, as long as I follow a mental checklist, I am fine. So what happens if the mental checklist doesn't remember something? I forget to secure something which means that any number of assets are at risk and no longer secure. I did such a thing last night. As stupid as it sounds, I forgot to lock a door. Forgot. To lock. A door. And now, I won't be able to sleep because I feel like I should get fired.

At this point, nothing seems to have been jeopardized, since there are checks in place for such stupid mistakes, however, I still forgot to lock a door and put assets at risk. My coworkers are saying that I am human, that I have been working 6 days a week and over 40 hours a week and have been sick and that things like this happen. Things like this don't happen to me. I am not stupid, I don't make stupid mistakes, I don't like excuses, and while I am human, I don't fail or put things at risk. I don't forget important things, yet somehow I did.

So what am I supposed to do? I have been told that I am not to be fired, but I deserve to be. If not fired, then I deserve to be written up or suspended or something. If I do get written up or suspended, that will jeopardize the transfer and promotion that I have been working so hard to get. So while part of me knows that I should be punished - afterall, that I what I do to people when they break the rules, I don't want to be, because I will have to start all over again. Earning back trust is a lot harder than earning it in the first place.

Should I stay? Or should I find another day job? Should I run away from the problem I created because I am too embarassed to face the fact that I messed up? Or should I try to correct the problem by trying to regain trust and prove that I am reliable? But how does one ever prove that? People forgive, but they don't forget. And if I can mess up something small, what is to stop me from messing up something big? Something that could put lives in danger?

So here I sit, hating myself for my stupidity and hating myself for no longer having a clean slate. A fucking failure, that is what I feel like right now.

We have all done it at least once: called someone when we were intoxicated and barely remember the conversation the next day. I have done it often enough that after a night of drinking, I check my outgoing call list just to see who I need to call and have a sober conversation with later in the week. Getting in touch with people has become so easy, that it pretty much allows for such conversations.

The most recent drunk dial I got was actually a voice message and it was as follows:

"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! It's Sean Cornello and I am hangin' out with Vince in the great state of Indiana. <<<laughter in foreground and background>>> I am wondering how you could possibly leave the great state of Indiana, there are so many exciting things to do here! You should have answered your phone because we are just having so much fun - insert sarcasm here. Call us back!"

This one is was litered with slurred words, naturally, but this was the basic message. This one, is what I call a "barely drunk dial"; meaning that the calling party was simply having a blast and calling all fun people associated with whatever activity they were doing at the time. Now, one of my all-time favorite drunk dials was from an ex-boyfriend. The message, loaded with slurred words, went somewhat as followed:

"Hey, it's Brent, remember me? The guy who cheated on you? Well, it's Oktoberfest in San Francisco and - ouch, i just slipped and fell on my ass - ha ha, ass.....you have a great ass. It's way better than my new girlfriend's. In fact, you're better in bed than she is too. I love your ass. It's so nice to.....<yells to friend:> STOP TRYING TO STICK THAT BEER BOTTLE UP MY ASS!! <friend screams back:> but you said ass!"

He still denies having called me, and unfortunately, but this is easily an example of the kind of drunk dial that one doesn't want to make - ever. I mean, I would hate to call any of my exs and telling them that my new man is not so good in bed. Not to mention, calling an ex, in general, is usually the worst drunk dial because, at least in my case, I am usually talking about how much I miss them. It often leads to crying, but not always.

Now, being a drunk dialer doesn't just include actual phone conversations, have you ever drunk texted? Me too, I do that more than I drunk dial now. My little brother once passed out, phone in hand, mid text. I have read some of the weirdest texts because the Word format is easy to use, but I am not always aware of what letters I am using and NEVER edit before sending when drunk. If its not that, then I do something really weird, like the time that I had drunken "text sex" with someone. I know, I know, pathetic, but this is why being a drunk dialer is a serious issue. There should be drinking insurance - not just for drunk dialing and texting. It could be for when you say something absolutely evil to someone, or maybe even make a move on someone who isn't interested. The next day, your drinking insurance provider comes and wipes out there memory. I could have used it the time that I drunk dialed my boss.....oops!

I can't imagine the whole drinking insurance thing is going to come out anytime soon. So, what are we drunk dialers supposed to do until then (besides stop drinking so much)? Fear not! It has come to my knowledge that there is something new that prevents drunk dials - at least ones that could be potentially bad.

Don’t dial Under the Influence!

Incoherent calls to exes, bosses and partners could be a thing of the past as Virgin Mobile urges you to get tighter with the right posse.

Dial 333 plus a phone number you don’t want to call when drunk e.g. 333 0431 123456.

Virgin Mobile then stops all calls to that number (e.g. 0431 123456) by blacklisting it until 6am the following morning from your phone.

To undo the action in an emergency dial 333CLEAR (33325327).

When blacklisting the number dial the number exactly as it appears in your mobile contacts book

How much is it?

<see website: https://www.virginmobile.com.au/services/duti.html>

This is a real thing! We are finally saved from drunk dialing! YAY! I have to hand it to Virgin Mobile for coming up with the idea. It really is genius - although, I imagine that someone who has a serious problem with drunk dialing would probably drunk dial anyone - so they might have to block their whole phone. They might even just undo the action and then call whomever they please. So, this might not work so well for a serious drunk dialer to do to themselves, however, this would be a great thing to do to your friends who are drunk dialers. You know, the ones that just can't get over their ex, or the ones that call their significant other constantly when its supposed to be a friends night out. Just snag their phone and blacklist whatever numbers you think are appropriate.

While it doesn't solve all problems related to drunk dialing, I guess that it is the best that we have - until someone comes up with a brillant plan to execute Drinking Insurance, that is!