How, er, to talk?

BIGGIE VEGAS CONVENTION 2007!

We finally arrived at 12am - 3am eastern time.

homeless vagabonds look to caesar for guidance

females take a mighty long time getting primped

nice stems.

boyshorts are the greatest invention since guacamole

at Shadowbar. if you can't figure out why it's called Shadowbar, well I really have nothing more to say to you.

in front of the Snackus Maximus

Our lair.

Yoon loves the rotunda.

Mary and Lil playing.

using props to hide one's midsection is a time-tested method of boosting your self esteem

we would never be able to afford this $800 a night room without the help of Krissy's waterworks

why can't we sleeeeeeeeep?

we're hiiiiighhhhh .....up on the 44th floor

i wasn't sure if this basket was complimentary so i called the front desk and they just laughed

we monstered it in 5 seconds

testing our patience at Marciano while Sonya tries on 10 dresses and buys nothing. such is the life of a biggie.

Dustin officially blew everyone else's manpieces out of the water with this decadent display of three tone chocolate covered strawberries and champagna.

melvin, aaron, johnny, monroe and dean are going to have to do something really nice during the week to top this

the pains that taking this picture entailed were NOT worth it

i loved bread cooked in a pot and made to resemble a mushroom

Burke in a Box: fried catfish, sofshell crab, salmon rolls, stuffed pheasant and korean shortribs

angry lobster

cheesecake lollies

pool

mirage

rumble in venice

artificial sky is much more stunning than real sky

is that a gondolier or a joey fatone?

ghostbar at the top of the Palms

i'm in luv with a strippa

a lion!

shes's harmless...like a big conan

chocolate waterfall...nuff said

we monstered these too.

view from the other room

a mommy and a mami

i disappeared during this photo and no one even noticed

that's how we roll

that's right

this is so romantical

view from the top of the palms

CORPORATE CHALLENGE 2007

My design won the t-shirt contest!

I'm not sure what this is - all I know if that I love it.

Those gums are 100% real. The boobs on Kell too (considerably more believable).

in the parking lot.

this is the preface to my story about krissy and the scissors. krissy was simultaneously drinking soju+redbull and amstel light; nuff said.

The most beautiful girl in the world. Oh man, she is so lovely. And Akon is ripped. Who knew...his face is like a skull shape.

Mother's Day ::: The most beautiful lady in the world (over 40) and the most beautiful girl in the world under 25 and the most evil cat ever.

It don't run in the family.

.....

When I drew this, I thought it made sense. But it doesn't really, does it?

For some reason, both Krissy and I woke up, although in our respective homes, in the nude. I was holding a pair of scissors (the kind you use to trim your toenails in lieu of a toenail clipper) in my left hand. The origin of this particular pair of scissors is completely unknown to me.

It Feels Like You Pooped

Is it normal for gynocologists to give you unannounced rectal examinations? In the opinion of all of my friends - No. But it really isn't that bad. It just feels like you pooped and the poop is made of rubber. And afterwards you feel like a dirty hoe. I need to take a shower.

Seriously though, is my doctor Ruth St***berg (I chose her over Alexa Guptahajinaria in the Cigna directory based solely on the fact that her name is Ruth which is my best friend's name and also the name of Dr. Ruth - don't question me on this) taking advantage of me?

Random secrets and tips for being alive and looking presentable:

1. Don't wash you face with soap. Don't even wash your face. If you get pimples a lot or have oily skin, trust me this works. If you feel really disgusted, just wash with water.

2. Glycerin and rosewater is THE best moisturizer on the earth that is also mad cheap.

3. If you get warts, tie pieces of your own hair around them. After a couple of days they will fall off.

4. If you have body pimples, tan/burn them until they fall off (that is courtesy of Chad - I cannot be held responsible for his claims)

5. Want long, luxurious nails? Mix some pieces of chopped garlic into your clear nail lacquer. The only downside is that you fingers will always smell like garlic. But do you want nice nails or what?!