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l_nel
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Name: Lesley
Birthday: 3/18/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: God, my husband!, books, reading, my Bible, people, golf, pictures, coffee, word of life church, trusting God, spontaneity, conversations, ice (yum), smiling, being happy, meeting new people, big dogs, good chinese, second chances, new beginnings, living passionately and authentically
Message: message me
MSN: l_nel@hotmail.com
Member Since:
10/14/2006
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| Everything good."For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God." -romans 8:20,21
We've been brought, and we're continually being brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God! That we might cry, "Abba, Father!"...."sweet Abba!"
Assurance.
Love.
Care.
Joy.
Comfort.
Calling.
Beckoning.
Secret place.
"Abba!"
Hope.
Fulfillment.
Reassurance.
Home.
Home with Abba.
Transparent.
Everlasting.
Child-like.
Food.
Supply.
Everything good.
My heart says of you, "Seek His face!" Your face, Abba, will I seek...
| | |
| The only place my heart comes alive...It's like I'm in this beautiful, bright meadow. The sight before me is
nothing less than absolutely breathtaking. As I look around trying to
take it all in, I see smooth, restful colors all around, with a soft
blue blanket as the sky, complimented by scattered cottony white
clouds. I’ve seen all these things before… a soft cloud-filled sky, and
beautiful flowers… but something is completely different now.
Something... or, someone… makes it entirely unlike anything I’ve laid
eyes on. I’m in this meadow, but something about it gives me a sense
that I could be just about anywhere and still be feeling like this.
This place is a plethora of all that is good, and all that I see is
goodness. My heart feels completely transparent, visible to anyone who
would look, boundless, and so alive. Flowers are all around me and each
one is a gentle, brimming smile. The sun feeds these delicate flowering
smiles, beckoning them, and allowing them to forever soak up the
goodness all around them. My whole being is overcome with the splendor
of the sight around me, but the feeling inside is matchless, and so
good. It makes me want to lift my hands and spin around, to dance in
circles as the sun fills me to the brim and overflowing... I feel so
free!
Somehow I instinctively know that this is where I was created to live…
and it’s not so much about what I see now, but the feeling of absolute
freedom that is overcoming me. It feels too good to be true! I wonder
what this place is, and why I get to be here. But I don’t wonder long.
My heart quickly tells me. Yes, it knows. My heart screams and jumps
within me assuring me over and over that this place is my home. I’m
embarrassingly excited, and my whole being begins to explode with love.
I’m so passionately stirred, and then I see Him. The creator of this
place. He’s nothing like I could have imagined, and I know I certainly
couldn’t have fathomed Him. He is Him, period. He’s not safe, but He’s
good! I see His goodness when I realize that He made this place, this
dwelling for my heart, just for me, just for you. The totality of my
essence exclaims to Him that I love it here so so much!
He’s glad I like it here, but He delightfully says this is nothing yet…
there’s so much more to come. At this I become so giddy that it makes
me feel shy. But suddenly, something makes me wonder…
My excitement almost begins to fade, and my smile starts to
decrease as I become conscious of the fact that I did nothing to
deserve any of this. I begin to become sad, almost depressed because I
love it here so much, and I know I won’t be allowed to stay. I
recognize that now everything is hopeless without this…without Him… I
have nothing… I am nothing. My eyes fill with tears, as I reason all is
now hopeless. I’m afraid this meadow will shortly become just a meadow
and this feeling I have will soon fade.
But just then, suddenly and firmly He looks straight into my eyes and
the tears that have been welling up stop. Do I really get to stay?
My whole being is now vanquished by His love.
I feel as though I will burst! My heart leaps with unspeakable hope and
joy because of what I see. I realize this love is unlike any other
love. I thought I knew what love was… but now I see His eyes and I
simply cannot fathom it.
I realize that He knows. He knows who I am and what I’ve done. He knows
what I look like, inside and out. And the love in His eyes has not
dwindled one bit. He knew all along, and He still brought me here. His
eyes tell me that He’s always been right by my side and that fact
suddenly makes me ashamed at myself. I think of how so many times I’ve
ignored Him. I think about all those times I’ve totally went about my
life and forgotten about Him. I think about those times I’ve failed to
acknowledge Him because I was thinking all and only about myself. So
many times I have spit right in His face with my thoughts and actions…
and those are only the things that come to my mind right away. I know
I’ve done so much more to be indifferent to Him.
But that’s not even what gets me the most… what really rips at my heart
is what He was doing while I was spitting in His face. All the while,
He’s been loving me and prodding me to come to this place with Him.
This place that I now never, ever want to leave. He’s always been
loving me, and the way He looks at me makes me feel beautiful and
whole. The whole time I was ignoring Him, He was waiting for me in
anticipation, and the moment He saw me turning to Him, He poured all
this love on me.
He doesn’t even tell me I don’t deserve it. He just longs for me to have it all...
Right away I feel it, and I believe it with everything in me. I am now
a pure and innocent child who is resting assured, and full of trust
that my Creator tells what is true. What He wants for me is the best. I
feel it, and with all I am I believe it. I will not doubt whatever He
tells me. After all, He created this place. All is lovely, and it is so
peaceful here. It captivates me to the fullest measure. This is where I
want to live; this is where I need to live; this is where the most
shallow and deepest parts of me come alive. And I never, ever want to
leave…
Please, come with me. | | |
| Part 2: When God Writes Your Love StoryIt's been quite awhile since I've been on here, but that just seems to be how I work with xanga.... so anyways, I decided to continue my last blog a little bit so if you haven't read it and are reading this, you might want to read it first so this makes more sense...
I had dreamed of a beautiful love story for as
long as I could remember. And somehow I
knew that letting God write my love story was exactly how to get one. (Again, the last blog will help explain this). I knew
right then that I only wanted to date one guy… the guy, my husband, that God
had created just for me. All I had to do
was follow God, give him the pen of my love story, and He would script it. The thought of someday meeting him and being
able to say He was the only one I ever dated excited me so much, and at that
point in my life (around 13 or 14 years old), it seemed easy enough.
But as I got older, many challenges awaited me.
There are many situations that tested that decision and I'll share some random examples... I'm not sure why I'm sharing because I'm not sure who even reads this, but that's okay! I journaled a lot back then (and still do!) and I always wrote about everything....
It was November, 2003 and I was a sophomore. This particular situation all began on Thanksgiving Day. There was a guy who went to my church who started liking me, and here's what happened...I wrote about it in my journal on Thanksgiving of 2003:
“He’s been on my mind lately
because I think he likes me as more than a friend. He’s just been acting very
friendly. A little too friendly. He emailed me two days ago and all it said
was “Hi”. And he just doesn’t seem like
the type to just randomly email people and just say “Hi”. The weird thing is that I find myself wanting
to like him. But really, it’s not that I
like him, but more that I like him liking me.
He’s not my type and I’m not going to date even if he was my type, so I
think that’s what my problem is. So, I’m
not sure what’s going to happen with this situation that I have.
God—Your will be done in
this situation! I plead the blood of Jesus over my life, and over his
life. Lord, do as you need to do! Do as
you need to accomplish YOUR will for both of our lives!! No matter what that means.”
While my
prayer seems very “good”, I’m not sure my motives were really that pure. I kind of knew deep inside of me that I was
going to keep emailing him back, and I knew that wouldn’t be good for me, but I
did it anyways. We emailed and instant messaged
a lot. It did to a point start out
innocently enough, as he was just a friend and we were just talking on the
internet, something I did with many people.
But we began to talk and email a lot more than what just friends
typically do. It began to be an exciting
thing for me as I would wait in anticipation for his next email to see if he’d
say anything implying that he liked me. But God had his hand upon my life.
November
29th, 2003:
“God, it’s like I’m running
from you. This whole thing with [this
guy] is really just messing me up. I’m
thinking about him all the time and I’m getting addicted to the internet. I think back to camp and how I have changed
since then. How I’ve fallen spiritually
since then. Sure, I’m still a Christian
going to heaven, but so what? I don’t
want to live a worthless life!!
And I know I have to make
the move and open the door for you God, but I just don’t. Or rather I’m having a very hard time of
it. I can get to the door, and even
start turning the knob, but I just can’t seem to open that door. It’s just, I know that there is so much more
to this ‘go to church’, and ‘read the bible’ stuff. There is our relationship. A tender, loving, wonderful, gentle
relationship with the Holy Spirit, with You, which I haven’t experienced enough
of. And there is communion with You
God. How sweet and wonderful it is
too!! Why do I screw it up, God? Why do I have to give in to the devil’s
temptations? Lord, if there are things
I’m doing wrong, let me know. I have to
remember to do what I know to do, regardless of how I feel. Help me, God!”
The thing
is, I knew God didn't want me to be doing what I was doing.
My mind was being consumed by this guy and the internet, and it was
taking from my relationship with God. It
was sucking out my very life source, and I really did know that deep down, I just didn’t want
to stop. It seems very ironic. I knew what would make me close to God again,
but I didn’t do it because I wanted attention from a guy. It was my own fault,
and I really did know it but I kept crying out to God. I was going to write a prayer for my future
husband but instead I found myself just writing to my future husband instead.
December 1st,
2003:
“I’m kind of struggling
right now. This thing with [this guy]
has got me into a detour, I guess you could say. I don’t even like him as more than a friend,
and I know that! I think I just like
that he likes me. I hope God lays me on
your heart to pray for. I need patience
to just wait, just chill.”
I
struggled with this for months. I knew I
needed to just tell him I had to stop, but I didn’t want to do that at
all. Instead I tried to fight my way
through it… to have my cake and eat it too.
I tried to live my life all for God, and focus on Him, at the same time
emailing this guy and anticipating emails from him and being distracted. At times I felt free of it, as I would write
things like “I saw him tonight and I
didn’t even feel like I liked him like that”. But then it would start back up again even
though at the same time I was writing things like “I know I would like it a lot better if instead of “liking” him, that I
could pray for him, and get to know him as just a friend. That would be a lot better, and much more
productive.”
December
21, 2003:
“I’m having trouble with
this issue again. I’m absolutely
positive that he likes me, and I’m really struggling with my feelings toward
him. I do not know why I’ve struggled
with this so much, but I have. I don’t
even like him that way! He’s not at all
my type and I don't think he’s strong enough spiritually right now to be someone I want
in a spouse. He needs you! Like me, I suppose!—He
needs to truly get to know you more! God, do what you want in our lives. The truth is, I want to like him, but God, please
take that feeling for him away and replace it with something else that is
good. I should be reaching out to him in
compassion instead of liking him. Lord,
Your will!!! I don’t know how to make
these feelings go away. God, take my
feelings and emotions, and move them to what you want them to be. And God, I want to give you everything. Even the places that I don’t know about... The places I don’t even know exist. Purify me Father God- purify me. Purge out my heart and life. Make it ever true. May I be like You, God—I’m just the clay!
I’ve tried being the potter, but it does not work at all!!”
After much
struggling with this situation, I began getting tired of it, thanks to God’s
grace. And despite the fact that I
didn’t really want to, I knew I had to stop.
I wrote this in my journal on March, 8th of 2004 (just ten
days before my birthday):
“I finally told [this guy] that I
couldn’t and didn’t want to be more than friends with him because I want to
keep myself completely pure for my future husband, and focus on God right now. Because I know that even right now all of me
belongs to my husband… plus, my goodness, I’m only 15! (But almost 16).”
The
internet would later become somewhat of a problem area for me several more
times, as I liked to type and I was always better at being more “talkative”
while behind a computer. (Not to
completely disregard this form of communication, though, because it’s how I
first started talking to my husband).
After this incident I tried to simply just focus on God because I knew
that was the best thing for me to be doing.
I had frustrations, but I kept growing and God kept teaching me. I wrote about most of my frustrations and
wrote down a lot of prayers in my journal.
On April 10 of 2004 (now 16 years old) I wrote this:
“Father, I think I need to
endeavor to be completely satisfied in you without a guy, or the thought of one
because I think I’m way too focused on meeting my future husband, when all I
was really created for is to be completely dependant only on you! God- this is
something that is really hard for me to say but God, if you are calling me to
be single, I’m fine with that. I want
your will to be done- if that is to not be married, then good, I won’t be,
because it’ll have worked out for my own good.
You’re all I need Jesus!! You are it!
You know my heart and know that I want to get married, but I give this to you
Jesus.”
When I’d
think of guys, my heart softly nudged me to look at the Cross, to look upon
Jesus. Even though I did already know it, I was actually realizing more and
more that what I really longed for was never ultimately going to be found in
any guy. And I knew I couldn’t tell myself ‘oh,
we’re talking about God’ as an excuse to talk to him more, when I knew where
my emotions were really going. I could just say that we are “brothers and
sisters in Christ”, and talk to him way more than necessary. But deep down, I
knew that wasn’t really my agenda.
I began to
feel that what my heart desired the most was for what I was finding in the
sweet presence of Jesus. In His presence
he assured me that I was his princess…that I was worth so much more than I ever
knew. That he loved me and adored me.
That I was so beautiful to Him… He was my comfort, my shelter, my peace. He assured me that He would always, always be
there and that we could always be together, no matter what. And this love I felt was beyond reason. It spoke to the deepest part of me and I knew
this was all I had ever longed for and more. To be continued...
| | |
| When God writes your love story...
By the way, how is married life? I love it! I love my
husband. He's my favorite and he's the best. I'm so blessed with him in my
life. God is so good and so faithful. I've prayed for Erik since I was
probably 14. I of course didn't know who he was but I've always prayed for my
husband and I've always done my very best to stay faithful to him and him
alone. Proverbs 31, speaking of "the wife of noble character"
regarding her husband, says in verse 12, "she brings him good, not
harm, all the days of her life." That's what I've tried to do
all my life.
It all started one night when I was talking to a cousin of mine about dating.
We were young and the idea of actually dating was slightly foreign to us, but at
the time we were noticing how a few people close to us had started dating
someone and we had noticed how much they changed... their personality, their
spirituality, etc. That night we decided we wanted God to be in charge of
that area of our lives. I guess at that point, it wasn’t so much I had
decided not to date but that I had decided that God was going to be first, no
matter what.
At the time I really didn't want to date anyone anyways, so
it was easy for me to think that way. Plus, my parents probably wouldn't have
let me date anyone (like I said, I was 13 or at most 14 at the time). As years
went by, and the closer I got to God, the more so this seemed like a fitting
thing to do. And while thinking of relationships/dating, I discovered books
such as "When God Writes Your Love Story" and "I Kissed
Dating Goodbye". They ringed true inside of me and I said yeah,
that's what I want to do. (Ironically, one of the books is written by
"Eric and Leslie Ludy... and my husband and I are Erik and Lesley Borger..
haha). After sorting through my own thoughts and thoughts from these
books, I knew I wanted to let God write my love story.
Since that time, I had always believed that God had created someone for me,
someone who was just for me. He had written a beautiful love story just for
me.. a love story better than any movie, better than any book and He would read
it to me... all I had to do was let Him.. all I had to do was give Him the pen
of my love story and let Him write it, trust Him to do so. I had high
expectations for this man who would be my husband and I had decided I wouldn't
compromise those expectations and standards because I trusted God and believed
that only one man would measure up to them when the time was right.
At times this was hard. For one, there aren't too many people who actually
do this and when you live in a small town where most everyone knows everyone,
some think this concept as very weird. But I also saw many many of those people
date many guys and only ended up getting hurt. They gave their hearts away to
guys who didn't really even care about them at all and they got deeply hurt and
gave parts of them away they couldn't get back. This is really sad to me
because at a time in a girl's life when she is constantly changing, longing for
love, for approval, for affection she many many times only ends up getting
hurt. When all along, God is there longing to be her source of love, of
acceptance. And He has such a great plan for her life... He's got something
unimaginable and captivatingly beautiful awaiting her. I wish I could
tell girls that through experience, there IS something better. There IS a
prince charming out there who will treat you like a princess.
Now on with the story...
It was pretty easy to not date anyone when no one was around that is interested
or that is interesting, but I distinctly remember the first defining moment in
my whole thought concept when I actually had to explain this concept to a guy
who asked me out. The phone rang at my
house- my sister answered it and then gave the phone to me telling me who it
was. I answered, not having a clue what
he would want. At first there was a
little bit of small talk and then he very nervously said, “Will you go out with
me?”. Man, I sure didn’t know what to
say! After, I’m sure much silence, I said no and something about how I didn’t
want to date anyone at the time. Our
conversation quickly came to an ending and I remember really sorting through my
thoughts and emailing him later to explain more, as I felt bad and don’t like
hurting anyone’s feelings. Many more
incidents like this occurred over the years, and with each incident, I
grew. And goodness, it’s not to say I
wasn’t interested in any of these guys because of course I had crushes on
people and having a guy like you is very flattering, and being like most
teenage girls, I did love the attention.
But I always had to take these situations to God, and each time, I knew
that deep down what I really liked the most wasn’t the actual guy, but the
attention I got from them. And each
time, I had to keep in mind the standards I had set for a guy who could be my
future husband, and honestly, no one had even come close to measuring up.
It got lonely sometimes.
I mean of course ultimately all I needed was God but I still craved that
attention from the opposite sex. I wanted someone who loved just me, who adored
me, who was captivated by me and thought of me as a princess. And at times like those, I would write. I had a journal in which I wrote to my future
husband… things like, “I don’t even know you, but I really miss you
today”. I wrote whatever was on my
heart, on my mind, etc and that really helped me. Because I knew I was writing to someone who
was real, someone who was really out there somewhere. And it made me want to save myself for this
guy all the more.
There is much much more to all of this, but I’m finding it’s
hard to condense it all. Bottom line,
God is so faithful. He is so good. I
believed Him for my future husband, the man he had made just for me. And I knew that He would write the best love
story of all, better than anything I could come up with, so I just kept
trusting Him and kept doing my very best to not get in the way. If I stumbled along the way (and I did!), I
would just give that pen back to God, and He lovingly kept writing.
I met Erik last July and the more I got to know him, the
more I realized he was different than any guy I had come across. He was what I
had always dreamed of in a future spouse. There is so much more I could say
about us getting together, but that would be another huge long blog… maybe
longer than this. But basically, God was
faithful the whole way… He wrote our beautiful love story and continues to
write it every day. God is so good. And though some may think it weird, I proudly
say Erik is the only guy I have ever dated, the only guy I have ever kissed,
and I’m so happy to spend the rest of my life with him.
I say none of this to toot my own horn, or to say I’m better
than anyone else, because neither of those things is true. I’m no better than
anyone else, and I’m not saying this is the only way to do it ‘right’ because
nor is that true. I’m just amazed at
God’s faithfulness in my own life and I can now stand and say there is a
sweeter love worth waiting for… there is a love that doesn’t compare to what
this world tells us is the right way to date.
And no, you don’t have to date around to figure out what you want and
don’t want in a mate. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the
desires of your heart. Go after God, I mean really, and seriously, and you’ll
know what God wants for you in a mate, and that very thing will be what you
also desire in a mate. Besides, love on
God’s terms isn’t even about ME… it’s about giving, it’s about the best for
others.
Being where I’m at now gives me a heart for young girls who
are at that stage of wanting to be accepted, wanting to feel loved, wanting
attention, etc, because I know what it feels like to long for those things and
I know they can experience them without the hurt involved with the endless cycle
of temporary romances. Because each of
those temporary failed romances continue to shatter an innocent heart that has
dreams of true, real, and good love.
Each of these beautiful hearts are so precious to God… He wants to show
them real love, and real affection. And
ultimately, His love is the only love they will ever feel completely fulfilled
in.
I could definitely say so much more, but this is way too
long already…maybe I’ll say more later…
| | |
| For God, not man"For we speak as messengers approved by God to be entrusted with the Good News. Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines the motives of our hearts." -1 Thessalonians 2:4"And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father"-colossians 3:17
Those two verses are very freeing. Whatever I'm doing, I'm not doing it for man, but for God. My purpose is to please Him and care about His approval.. and His alone. I've always been mostly a pretty shy person and I'm not one to just strike up a long conversation with someone. I've been around people my whole life, like my sister and best friend, who are very outgoing and very talkative. So they've rubbed off on me a little bit, but none the less, that just doesn't seem to be who I naturally am. And for someone like me, remembering that what I'm doing, and what I'm saying isn't for me or them is, like I said, very freeing. All I need to worry about is pleasing God.
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