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So now i must make the decision.
Child Psychology, or FLIGHT?
Reasons to take Psychology
I love psychology. It is my favorite subject that I have ever taken. It was my favorite class last year. It is what I want to study in college. It is some of what I want to do in my life. I get to work with kids. I don’t like children, but I am trying to like kids other than Imelda and Jack. It would be a good class for me to take after last years psychology class. I could take the AP Psych exam AGAIN! (it was the funnest exam EVER!) And my parents want me to take it, and I will get an A in it.
Reasons NOT TO take Psychology
My parents want me to take it, and so Imight not just to spite them… I want to be a FLIGHT leader really really really bad. Im going to be studying Psych in college anyway, so whats the point of stressing right now? I don’t like children and would have to deal with them three days of the week. pretty much everyone says it’s a joke class and a waste of time. I won’t have Mr. Sparrow again, and that’s sad because he is the best teacher I have had… ever…
Reasons to take FLIGHT
I like leadership. I like service. I like mass. I like The roles that I have been given for the group. I Like the people in the group. I have already started To connect with them on a deeper/ spiritual level. I Worked really hard through the application process To even GET INTO IT. Then I rocked my interview. I went on FLIGHT retreat. People expect me to do it. I expect myself to do it. I’ve been looking forward to It, and I never ever look forward to anything. I feel Obligated to do it. People are counting/ depending on Me now, and many people will be disappointed if I do not. My Parents don’t like FLIGHT and I am trying to get away From all of the crap that they do like. AND I have argued with them like, 27 times to let me do This, and I finally won, (sort of… they got what they Wanted with a conflict… they were hoping for one) and It would have been a waste of time and yelling (I tried Not to but they make me so pissed I just want to scram) If I didn’t go through with this. I would be pissed with myself.
Reasons NOT TO take FLIGHT
It would put me in a better relationship with my parents and they might be more lenient with the whole LIFE thing (we’ll get to that in a bit). I would get to take child psych which I wanted to do even though Sparrow Is not teaching it, because he probably expects me to and I don’t want to disappoint him because he has been nice to me ever since the first day of school junior year when he asked me a question, I made a comment and he said that I had a good point. Then, lol, he asked what I thought that that meant and I said that it meant that I was right and that he was wrong and that that was just the way that it was going to be. Im also not sure if I am called to FLIGHT or what? I mean… what is the purpose of this, and would the group just be better without Me? My ‘issues’ have already affected them once….
And that is my chart. I am not sure what to do in this situation. I wish that FLIGHT was a different period besides first, so that I could take both classes, but sadly, things don’t always go the way that I want them to (in fact, they hardly ever do… I am trying to recall a time when they did…) This decision is totally going to impact my schedule when I get it. By the time I am done figuring out what elective to take in the place of child psych or FLIGHT my whole schedule will have to be rearranged and I will probably end up taking a class that I do not even want to take.
I am also looking at applying to schools. College of Charleston is still the number one choice, but I doubt that that will work out. My other applications are going to be sent to Loyola, De Paul, UD, OU, Ole’ Miss and Saint Mary’s. I wonder why I am so worried about applying to these schools when I really only want to go to College of Charleston. I supposed that I should probably not be so devoted considering that I doubt very much that I will be excepted at all, and I will probably be disappointed no matter what happens, which is not a very optimistic view but I guess that that is just where I am right now. And it sucks. A lot.
So I am grounded again. The reasons for this are too trivial even to go into at all, and that is not fun. These are the conditions of being grounded. No phone (cell or house). If one of my friends calls the house, I am allowed approx. two minutes to tell them that I cannot talk, because I am grounded. This conversation is to be held in front of one or both parents so that I can not insult them behind their backs (now WHY, I wonder, would I do that…?) My cell phone is in my parent’s possession at all times except for when I am at the Donnelley’s. Except that kind of died because I have it now, so forget the cell phone thing… not that it matters because I cannot talk on it in my house anyway because I don’t get any damn service here. My grounding also includes not being alone. I am not allowed to be anywhere alone, except for my room, and I am only allowed to be there when one of my parents is home. I follow my parents around from work to running errands all of the time, and that is so not fun. I have spent more time in the car with my mother in the last two days than I have in perhaps a year.
We were in the car and stopped about 20 cars back from the light. In the lane next to us were about 6 men in a pickup truck with one of those things that lawn mowers ride on. You know, the things. And there were some lawnmowers and this was a lawn company etc. So anyway. They saw me, and i dont know... you know what happens.
Anyway there was mucho noise and looks from the truck towards me in teh passenger seat and my mom was like:
MOM: look laura, you could marry one of them
Laura: what?
MOM: yes. your life has no diretion. you could just marry one of them
Laura: why would i marry one of them?
MOM: (as if it explains everything) because
Laura: because...
MOM: well they didnt go to college
Laura: and...
MOM: and well (she is struggling to see where this conversation is going)... you are not going to college... YOU WOULD BE PERFECT FOR EACHOTHER! (she says this with great satsifaction, as though she has trumped the conversation)
Laura: (attempts to look out window away from the person that is her mother but then realizes that when she does this, she is looking right into 6 pairs of eyes, so she stares down at her hands instead) right mom...
MOM: you know Laura, if you were more mature adn more responsible then we wouldnt even have to have this conversation... i never have these conversations with your sisters...
Laura: right mom
MOM: you could do so much better laura, you just dont apply yourself, so thats what you get stuck with
Laura: yeah but what if one of them was my soul mate?
MOM: (laughs a little) dont be rediculous laura... those kind of people
Laura: what kind of people are they mom (very loud callings from the adjacent truck... laura unrolls her window)
MOM: laura what are you doing!
Laura: can i HELP you?
TRUCK PERSON: you sure can baby...
MOM: (quickly rolls window back up) what were you thinking?
Laura: just getting started. if im not going to college and if im going to marry one of THEM, then i thought i might as well be the first to start conversation
MOM: dont be rediculous laura...
So LIFE, yeah,…. What can I say about that? Umm… my parents don’t want me to do it, and have done practically everything they can this summer to not let me go to the meetings. I went to one but they didn’t know I was there because I told them I was going to work. They really hate that I do it. They don’t like that Lisa wasn’t accepted, and that I was. They think that that is my fault. They don’t understand why I would want to tell people about myself, ie: my witness (which was probably, looking back, about the most horrid experience of my life, and is going to occur, yet again, on Kairos). But I don’t know. They arent going to stop me from doing it during the school year. But im not allowed to go to the mandatory meeting next Tuesday because I am grounded until four o’clock that day, and supposedly, if I don’t go to that meeting im not allowed to be a leader next year, which really sucks because it applies to other people too, which then means that Will is not going to be a leader because he sure as hell isnt going to be there. He wont be back until about five on the 16th from Michigan, so I guess that it will be him and me not being there. I don’t know. Maybe I can work out a way to be ungrounded early. And speaking of being grounded, the rest of that includes no hanging out with the friends, no tennis, no LIFE, no FLIGHT things. No extra curriculars. No doing anything. Ever. I might as well die… which when I considered really would not be all that different except that I would be a lot more comfortable. I mean. Surely you cant text people when you are dead?
So I am just not in a happy good positive place right now. In fact I think that I am very bitter and angry, which I don’t know why I am typing because really I am fine. This is standard for me. When I am 18, my parents are considering having me leave. On the 27th of September. The day after my birthday. I was surprised when they said this, because they actually forgot my birthday last year, and so that they would remember the day that I might move out is very interesting. They must have a countdown chart or something! Now normally I would be all for getting away from my parents, but there are problems with this. The first is that you cannot go to CJ if you do not live your legal parent or guardian. So where am I supposed to go to school? Am I supposed to just NOT GO? I mean, I hate school but I understand that that is where I should be. The next problem is, where to stay? People are always like, oh well STAY WITH ME! But that would seriously never work out. I know that im expensive. My parents remind me of this all of the time. I can just go and live with somebody else. So basically I am feeling that I just have to suck it up and be the ‘other laura’ for all of my senior year.
I guess that what I am really trying to say here is ‘Sorry.’
Cause its about to get bad. The person that I have been evolving into for the past two years is about to die. I am about to go back to the way it was 8th grade and freshman year, minus a certain male party and parties in general. So I am sorry in advance. That is what I am saying. You guys are all seriously about to hate me.
Ok god that is depressing,
No more typing. That thought that I am about to revert has just only occurred to me, and now its settling, so I think that I am going to have to go upstairs and to my closet now. God. It seems silly to cry over this. Its just me. Im used to being left. Im just sorry that now I am leaving myself.
Ok.
I guess this is goodbye to myself. Lol.
God this is getting pathetic. I don’t know why im typing this. Nobody really cares about it. You all think that I should probably be institutionalized, but believe me, that idea has also already been considered, and planning is occurring even as I type this.
Im not sure where I will be a year from now. Taking steps back isnt always a great thing to do. Not only have I sat back down in the boat, but I am beginning the process of picking up the oars and going back to shore.
But now it is night and I have just been upstairs to check if my room is cooling down. Its not. I opened the doors to my balcony, and the air between my balcony and the lower garage roof seems charmingly delightful. Only molecules, the knowledge of which Chemistry inspired me, gone from my mind, and Gods warm hand between me and what will somehow someday be my inevitable. That day is not today. That night is not tonight.
And those are my thoughts.
Laura | 
