Does everyone remember this shot? It makes me feel so hopeful and I don't know why. Today I didn't do a lot of things I was meant to- I didn't work out enough, revise enough or call people I was supposed to call. I simply sat and read most of the day, wasting my own life to join the life of characters on paper, people whos lives seemed to be set straight by page 405. Wouldn't it be lovely if we knew we had a perfect, cliched ending waiting for us?

I cannot wait to clear my head of all these mindless facts and figures I need for the 13 exams that will define the next month of my life. I cannot wait to focus solely on having fun, and becoming perfect.

I weighed myself yesterday and I was 113 lbs. It could have been worse, but I find I have reached a never ending plateau in my weight, and no matter how little I eat, I stay between 114 and 113. If things don't change by thursday something will have to be done.

I apologise for this spacey, disconnected post, but I'm feeling quite strange today. It is as though I am living someone else's life, a life I am not used to and it scares me.

xx

So I am going to write again, since I have finally shifted this depression from my shoulders, at least for now, because the summer will make everything better. I need to now shift the twelve heavy pounds of weight from my small frame, pass the most important exams of my life, and this time, not fail in my goals.

Everyone is leaving school now, and I myself am leaving for a fresh start in a town where my name is not connected to any rumours or faces. Today it hit me that things are slowly changing, and I must start writing things again, because it is one thing in my life that can stay constant. I hope that you, in particular, are reading this, because today for the first time it hit me; I will miss people, and I will miss talking frankly with another girl at school, and will miss skipping lunch with a friend who knows more about me than anyone else.

You've all missed a lot in my life- a shitty relationship, shitty friendships, old friendships rekindled, a summer job at Vogue, thanks to a family friend, a new found love for working out, and desire- more than anything the desire to be more than this.

Things are changing, yet I weigh the same as I did when I firs t started writing, 114 lbs. My world fell apart for a while there, and now I am back. Fresh starts. Freedom. More time.

I am struggling to maintain a balance in my life- friends, schoolwork and weight never seeming to be able to work along side eachother. Do I spend my lunchtime on the treadmill, watching a film with friends or sat staring mindlessly at an essay on the computer screen?

It is a  constant tug of war, and for now, maybe I will have to accept that I cannot try to do everything. How can I produce the A* grade work I am expected to achieve, whilst going to parties and spending friday nights getting high with L? How can I do all this, and still have time to excercise, run on empty and not lose the boy I am simply having fun with?

The truth is, I can't. I have been pretending I can do it all, but soon, I think, something will give, something will fail. I am exhausted from the life I lead, and have had enough. Sleep nor running no longer gives me much relief.

xxx