APRIL 13, 2006

I’m driving and have 4, seven year old girls in the back of my van.  As we get in the car we are discussing music. I tell them that I think that Metallica and White Zombie are too grown up for them. So I put in CCR….

I’m on the phone touching base with Grammy and Dad, and as I am, they are all SCREAMING “turn it up…WE WANT IT LOUDER!”

I glance back through the review mirror as I hang up the phone, when suddenly I get the most bizarre slide out of time and reality. The three girls in the back have known each other a LONG time (well long for their short little lives)….four to six years….

And I see features in these little girls faces over laid one on top of the other. Each layer not distinct and indistinct at the exact same time…the face of the baby… not quite moved away from the toddler and preschoolers...the face that I once knew…the bright vibrant young girls that I know now…that get excited over worms and skate boards, Polly pocket and play dough, books and learning…and the face that they are growing into …beautiful young women that I don’t know yet.

All three sets of girls were visible on their laughing faces at exactly the same time for a moment.

I could see glasses making way for contacts…

I could see the little tiny baby teeth that seemed to take forever to come in and remember the headaches and sleepless nights… now going missing with big gaps that frustrate them when they try to whistle and make them lisp…to the years to come with braces on and then off…

I could see the freckles across noses…that we aren’t quite so careful about sun block as when they were little tiny girls…Will they be covered soon with makeup as they become too old for the just plain cuteness?

But in that flashing as they sang along and head banged to the music (NO I’m not kidding they head banged, laughing out loud to CCR) I REALLY for a moment saw all that…And I hope to have the privilege of watching these girls grow for the rest of my life.

New friends and old, in and out of their lives…different schools and the same friends…I know this is exceedingly sappy, but for all the craziness of life, these are the little moments…the flashes that make more than worthwhile.

And as all of this flashed through my mind I pulled CCR from the CD player and popped in Metallica because if MY GIRLS are going to head bang then by God they are going to do it right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So if you saw a purple van decorated with fairies, screaming Metallica on this warm spring night, bouncing as four not so little girls air guitared and drummed, head banged and danced, well it was us…

And tomorrow we decorate eggs…

I think I like this age, when they still like dolls and legos, are learning to love books and scream and slam doors, boys are to be beaten and your girlfriends do mean everything…

I kissed you good-by

at the bus station

Like a scene from a music video

I worried

that you wouldn't notice my abscense

That your face

would fade

over time

In my mind.

Yet what I didn't realize

was the heart wrenching intensity

like

Electric

that would follow.

It stormed the night we set on the porch.

A warm thunderstorm.

We ran to our cars to check the windows

soaking wet with clothes and hair

plastered to bodies.

I love the Rain

It had finally rained

after

More than a week of thick heavy

Air.

With Lightening visible

from Sunset to Sunrise

with no Relief

A feeling of Tension

had

permeated

the entire town.

From the Thick, Hot Air

to the Dry, Red Dust

Sticking to Everything

to the smell of Ozone

As the plants Died in yards and fields...

SCREAMED

the NEED

for some type of RELIEF

My LIFE was feeling just as DEAD

greasy, hot job

no friends

brain Stagnating

in an Electric Storm of Ideas

that Failed

to give Birth to any Creation

Then A job a Real one,

a profession

The birth of four years of

Labor

Bleeding

coffee and cigarettes and smoke and drink

I had a date to take the largest exam of my life

The placenta of my labor

An afterbirth of dean's lists, exams, terror, and laughter

Then as the Storm came I had You

Believing that

Again

the Fruitation of labor was found.

Conversastion,

Intensity,

Friendship,

Creative Beautiful Mind

That drank bitter sweet wine

of words and ideas

filled with the meat

of Vocabulary and Language

Built upon this came the creative growth and flowering of ideas

That had lain dormant for a four year

Famine

Created by

Drought

and the Cold Winter of Science

Then a month One worth living

Learning to Live

in the Moment

Recapturing adolescent impulsiveness

Happiness and Peace...

Thought these Belonged to

You

Were from

You

Thats where the Gut-Wrenching

Thundering

Shock

came from

When you Left

Followed by Minor Squalls of

Lies

and

Dishonesty

Uncovered,

But Returning to the momements of the last month.

Of lovemaking

with the Mind.

Of Greater Truths

not

Invalidated by the Lesser Lies

that Could bury them

It seems from

Feces

grows a Plant that Flowers

and Brings

so Much

BEAUTY

on Every level of SENSATION

that the Stench

of the offal

is Buried and Disowned

Realizing

that the Source

of the Wastedoes not Change

that the Blooms

Roots

are firmly Anchored

Inside

MYSELF

Then one morning

As the Rains came again

Thunder and Downpour

on the day you left

Changing Nightly

to a more gentle rain

Finally simply a Fog

That the Heat

of a reddened Fall Sun

can burn Away

in a Few

Brief Hours

So had Your Face

muddied in My Mind

Fog obscuring Features

I Had no Wish

to Forget.

But as the Sun

of my Soul Burns

away the mist

The Thunder is Gone

and Your Face has been left behind

on the road

Somewhere

The eternal Wanderer

The Hitchhiker

that was picked up

for a 1000 mile

Ride

but left by the side of a Dirt Road

As Paths

Diverge.

Memorable Experiances

Forever Burned into The Mind

more likely

keyed by a Scent or a Note

Missed

but not Forgotten

Edges Blurred

Features

Softened