| I don't know how much faith I have left in humanity. I don't know how much love I have left to give. The idea of a God has done nothing but perpetuate every feeling of hate my inherent moral conscience has convinced me is wrong. Am I really so against the grain? When I look in their eyes they feel such a passion for something I can't feel at all. I feel broken. I feel alone. Most of all I feel scared. I'm scared that I will never feel truly and unconditionally loved by another human being. Even those that claim they have found that in God, show little of the actual trait in their life, when coming in contact with other human beings. What good is the idea of being unconditionally loved by something you cannot see, when you don't apply it to the world around you? It has always seemed such a convenient way to quiet that little part of us that is always looking for acceptance. If you have the acceptance of an invisible, higher being...what more do you have left to do on earth. I see you with your faith tattooed on your body, your Bible tucked so securely under your arm, and one finger pointing accusingly to the person who has the gall to disagree with you. You break that sinner down with disrespect and with pity. You overwhelm them with love, but love that has a limit and love that has a time-line. You are incapable of seeing behind their eyes, because nothing in your truth allows room for understanding the nature of "sin", except to disregard it as "sin". No one has shown me in my lifetime yet that God results in the breakdown of sadness and hate. No one has shown me that goodness comes from acknowledging a higher being. I don't want God to be my scapegoat. I want to find my peace, but when I am continually told that there is only one way I can find peace...and that peace continually disappoints me...then where else is there left for me to look? I'm sorry to those that I've let down. I know you really care about me, and want me to find the same peace that you have found...but please, I can't keep trying to live up to your standards. I can't be someone that I am not, and I can't have faith in something that perpetuates hate. Maybe some day I will discover how love works with God, but right now I have to discover how love works.
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| This is really difficult without our promises. Our security. I'm coming undone.
I will run away for two years, and come back a better person. But, if everything still doesn't make sense I will have run out of places to run.
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| I am...
Nostalgic. In love...I always seem to be desperately in love...I always seem to be uncertain and insecure.
Watching my parent's marriage fall apart has been a majority of my childhood and home life. Now, I'm not sure what to expect. I'm feeling that uneasy and foggy feeling, and a true wonder if any person ever lives for more than themselves. I don't want religion to be the only true answer...I'm having a hard time accepting that, and I'm wondering when it's going to feel right to cave in.
I can't feel good enough anymore.
I wonder how much of that is attributed to my past.
I wonder how much of that is my fault.
I wish I could be that person who writes to solve their problems...instead writing makes me more confused, sound more cliche, and delve me further into self pity. I can write anything but what's on my mind...
Let me write about sociology, biology, body language...anything...but my own personal life.
P.S. Personal update on life: College sucks. I'm an emotional basket case. Relationships...still hard.
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| XANGA! Some things have changed. So have you! |
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| This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody would have. |
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