Troy and I went to a wedding last weekend and will be going to another wedding this next weekend and another in August. The people getting married are all his friends. I will be attending two weddings with my family as well. It's a good think I enjoy weddings!

Troy and I are really growing close and I am happy with it. I have good feelings about our relationship and I am excited. I really like him so much. Life is just fun with him. I know I feel genuinly happy when I am with him.

After going on a double date with his friends, meeting a close friend from back in the day, and meeting and hanging out with some of his old close friends and their family, I feel I am really starting to socialize better. I do not feel as awkward anymore and that makes me happy. I can actually talk to people pretty decently!

I am also learning a lot about myself. I like that I am not hanging out with a lot of people that I used to. I hear about a lot of them hanging out and not calling me and I feel it is just as well that they don't call me. I don't have fun when I am with them and it has taken so long for me to figure that out. It's all good though.

I am also learning my standards. I am getting better at locating my standards when I feel them. It's exciting since this is so different than me back in the day. It's amazing what filtering out a few people and getting in touch with inner thoughts does. I'm happy with what I am becoming and I am starting to see closer to what I think I want in life. My stomach is filled with butterflies of happiness and glee just thinking about the possiblilities of where I may go in life. This migh possibly be the first time I have felt even a bit on track with life!

LOVE.

I don't want to be questioned of my past friendships anymore. ... Why were you friends with so and so? Why didn't you hang out with people that have similarities to yourself? Why do you call those people your friends when they are like that? ... I know how the habbit formed. It was preschool. I know that. I want to change it. I want that best friend that I could hang out with and do everything with all the time and not get tired of them. I just have never hung out with people that are really that similar to me so I have never had that. I want that so badly. I want to know what job I want when I graduate college. I want to be that passionate person I have the potental to be but never show people because I built a wall and I have so much trouble breaking down that wall that I don't even know what my own passions are sometime or should be. My mind is so strange in how it has trained me to be. I wish so much could change quickly but it won't. I have been working on my "friends." Even Troy noticed that many people that I say are my friends do not treat me with the same respect I treat them with. I don't think I noticed it as much untill Troy pointed it out to me. I just want to be better and develop into the person I have the potental to be.

Ahh!

So much shit. I'm done with them. Unfortunatly all the things they have to say get back to me. Annoying.

I told him about everything and he seems short but he will have to accept it even though I'm sad and I will have to accept it as well. I just really want everything to work out with Troy so I don't want anyone or anything to get in the way.

Work. There's a lot of interesting things going on with that as well. I'm worried that this might not be the dream come true job I thought it was going to be. Sadness.

Happy Note: Troy comes back tomorrow!!! I'm really excited about it. I missed him way more than I thought I would and I can't wait for him to return! Passion. Also, I went to Marine World today to look at a new slalom that I am supposed to get for my birthday, even though that was a long time ago, I just haven't picked out the ski yet.

I seem to get on here whenever I have major things going on. The end of my first year at WSU is approaching quickly and I am stressed out about everything.

I have a huge paper due very soon, a research paper, business calc exam, and many other awfull things.

Good things: DU formal this Saturday, SAE formal in a week and a half, a possible job, and summer in two and a half weeks.

Life.

What are we doing here?

All I want is to not be stressed and happiness.

I do not like school. I think I would learn better if their were no tests, just lots and lots of homework. I would be ok with that.

The papers I turned in last week and te week before, I got A's on!!! I'm very excited about that. I got the same score I got on the last womens study exam that I took last week. I'm ok with that. I don't know what I got on my bus calc test that I took last week. I did nothing fun this last weekend in the evenings except the MCC sale (German food excitement in Hutchinson). The rest of the time I spent studying for macro economics. The macro test is this Thursday and I am not excited about it. I hope I can get a C on it but I feel like I will only get a D on it. That would not be good. I help with Jazz Festival this Thursday and Friday and need to read the rest of this macro book and write a paper on it for extra credit by this weekend. I also need to write another paper for English (that I've done a proposal/annotated bibliography with eight sources) due in the next two weeks, I assume.

Life sucks in school. I hate being stressed and it defienetly affects my happiness in a negative way. I am not happy and being stressed makes me depressed. I hate it. This is why I quit IB after junior year. I can't handle the presser and the stress. There were a few more pressers and stress I was dealing with junior year that I am not dealing with now but still, I hate it.

I hate macro so much and I feel that most of the business requirement classes are going to be aweful as well. The issue is that I don't know what else I would take if I don't do business. I feel like I am going to be unsuccessfull and unhappy when I get older and everything is going to be awefull because I can't handle the nasty stress and presser. Unhappy.

On a happy note, Troy has accepted the Band Director job at Collegiant and will also be dooing grad school at the same time next year. He will be super busy. He's successfull. Why can't I be successfull?

This was a lot of complaints and worry. I'm sorry to whoever reads this.