|
| Going home. Edit :: Home, nothing like 4:30am and not sleeping. | | |
| I want to see my dad again. And If I had the energy I would curt up my wrists beyond repair, I would swallow everything I could find, I would lay in the snow naked until I turned blue, I'd run into traffic blind folded, I'd swim in waters of depths unknown, I'd play russian roulette 5 times over, I'd try it all just to get to you daddy cause I need you and I don't know how to live or how to be or how to do anything without you. I had so many dreams, and so many ambitions and I watched myself throw them all away and I watched you sit and be dissapointed in me and then I fucking watched you die. I just wanted to make you proud, I wanted to be something to you, I just dont see what the point in trying is anymore, your not here to see me succeed? Or am I just suppose to believe that you see me and that you know what I'm doing. How do I live each day knowing that your last thought of me, your last memeory of me was dissapointment, how do I function with that as my memory to you. | | |
| For the first time in my life I'm actually scared about where my future is going. I thought this move was going to be so good for me and I was going to find a good job, and have time to do schooling and everything else and I'm just so scared that if I stay here I'm going to end up working a job that I hate and never get any school done. I left a boy behind and I thought it was the right thing to do, I dunno why, but I'm having the hardest time even functioning without him...I'm so pathetic. Is it shameful to just go home? Or should I face the fact that I moved here now and this is where I gota stay? 
:Edit: Hard to go back to a place where your not wanted...and not missed. Fuckin heart break.
That's all I got to say. :Edit: *again* It's not that I never gave it a chance cause I could live here, I could be here and I could be ok but I'm sick of being ok. I'm sick of floating through life with no real ambitions and no real motivations. I'm sick of looking to the future seeing nothing but darkness and I'm sick of knowing and realizing that if I keep walking this same road I'm going to be feeling the same way for the rest of my life. Nothing is ever going to get better because I'm not making a effort to make it better and nothing will ever improve because I'm not giving it the effort that it needs to improve. I could of had an amazing relationship, with a boy who truly loved me and truly just wanted nothing but the best for me but I gave it up and I threw it away because it could have made me happy. Truth be told, I miss my mom. It was to early to try and leave after my dad passed away. I don't want to struggle in times where I don't have to, I'm not ashamed to say now at this point in my life that I need help. There are going to be plenty of times that I'm going to have to struggle in the upcoming years and there is going to be a day when I will have to leave and I won't be able to come back. I don't want to make my life more complicated than it has to be. Not right now. I can't do it. I just can't. I can't. | | |
| I use to think that moving out here would make things different and I was so set on it that I packed up everything I owned and I shoved it in my car and I got in and I started driving. I didnt even know if I'd make it here cause it's the dead of winter and I had no idea how things were going to go but I made it, alive and kickin. I got here and I was excited and I was happy and I got to see a person that I love and I was happy and I came back in my house and I closed my eyes and I fell asleep, and I was happy. My life is just filled with delusions, and sometimes it takes a bit for my mind to kick into gear and realize that everything is exactly the same, you can't run away from shit, you can't leave it behind, it follows you or you find exactly the same shit where you were before. You leave people and you leave scenery but there is no way to leave yourself behind, no way to let go of your habbits or your views, no way to say goodbye to all the things you've always thought about yourself, no way to believe that things will be better, it's all the same shit. Love is just as fucked up as always, you can't change places and think its gona have a different tempo, I was foolish, and I was stupid and now I'm stuck somewhere I don't belong even more so than the place I left. Fuck. Oh well. Life will go on, as always. 
| | |
|
